Sick leave due to anxiety, been back at work 5 weeks and struggling again :(

[ple]

I had around 2 months off of work due to anxiety and depression. I posted on AIBU at the time and received a lot of helpful advice so I hoped I could return and ask for some more support/advice as sadly things aren't going well again.

I returned to work as I felt ready to and I was given such a slow, gradual return that it felt really feasible. I'm 5 weeks into my back to work plan and working 4 and a half days and I'm starting to really struggle again and I don't know what to do or say.

I have weekly calls with an occupational health advisor person my company referred me to, and it's helpful but most of the time the advice is to try breathing exercises and mindfulness, which did help me in my first few weeks but I feel like I'm struggling again and that's not enough.

I have weekly meetings with my manager and HR and they are keen to support me, and I have mentioned I have had some bad days in the last couple of weeks. They ask me how can they help support me and to be honest I don't have any idea what to ask for. My work has been really stripped back and simplified, a lot of things removed from my calendar and I'm still struggling. The anxiety hits me at weird times, and I don't really understand it. Today I was in the office and was able to chat to colleagues and go for lunch and from the outside I looked ok/normal. But I had to keep going to the loos as I kept feeling like I was going to cry, I just had this awful homesick feeling of wanting to go home and I started crying on the train home. I just feel awful again and I don't know why. I handed in my notice when I was off sick as I didn't think I could return, and now I feel like I need to hand in my notice again and tell my manager that the return to work isn't working out.

I feel so completely hopeless and can't stop crying. I don't know what happened today to trigger all of this

@ple the list of things ‘today’ I think is worth sharing with your manager. I would be honest. You have been/are unwell and they do need to understand. Not about blame. Being in office will get easier but I would say ‘coming in has made me think how behind I have fallen, your perfectly reasonable feedback has made the point more obvious and it will sound daft but it makes me think I’m worthless and you all shouldn’t have to put up with it’. As for second manager - they probably just don’t know what to say/worry about putting their foot in it.

Also - getting anxious about speaking up in the meeting is completely understandable. Please open up to your boss about this. Only then can they truly understand and help you.

please don’t beat yourself up - think how well you have been doing.

Thank you - this has all really helped me.

My meeting with my manager and HR got pushed to Friday due to some clashes, so I have a little more time to prepare for it.

At the moment, my plan of action is to mention that I feel like the last couple of weeks I've been starting to struggle again which has surprised me as I thought things would get easier as I returned. This week in particular has been difficult, I've found the increase in hours difficult and think I need to maybe extend the reduced hours as I don't feel ready to ramp up any further at the moment.

I think I'd like to also mention that I feel nervous saying all of this as part of me feels like I need to just get on with things, but I know I also need to be more open and communicate how I'm actually feeling rather than pretending everything is fine.

I think I'll leave mentioning about losing my confidence in my work until I'm in a 1:1 with my manager as I don't really want to say that in front of HR. I'm not sure. I'm conscious it could be used as evidence that I'm not fit for my job anymore? Whereas I feel like the things my manager and I discuss are more confidential and off the record.

If the job is making you so anxious, maybe time to look around for a new job?

I agree with @Riverlee

I've seen it in workplaces before that move on whilst another colleague is off with anxiety/depression - unless it's for a reason that they can genuinely empathise with I generally find sympathy in the workplace from bosses and colleagues is on the low side. At the end of the day they are picking up the slack whilst you are off/performing reduced duties. And then it's a vicious cycle that the dynamic between you and them changes and makes you more anxious again?

Is changing jobs possible? Is this a career position?

Having supported a number of people on phased return to work plans and also experiencing this myself following a period of absence due to anxiety and depression, I would say:

• Plans need to be reviewed and adjusted as required. There may be a need for a pause and/or to go back a bit. This is to be expected and is fine.
• you need to be honest with your manager and HR so that this can happen.
• Medical treatment/support is vital during this period - talk to your GP.
• It is not unusual to feel deskilled when returning after a period of absence, particularly when this has been for mental health reasons. With the right support, this will pass.
• you are probably being harder in yourself than other people are.
• Don't give up.
• When you do come out the other side and feel ready, do give feedback to your manager & HR about what did and didn't work. This may help inform how they do things going forward. Eg in my organisation a return to work buddy was offered in addition to the formal manager/HR roles.

I have this book downstairs and have been struggling with anxiety recently. Will give it a go!

Could it be that your job is actually causing the anxiety?

If you are really not well you could also go back on sick leave and maybe try to find another role that you might enjoy more.

How was today? Did you feel the meeting went OK? Hope there were some good points in it for you.

The meeting got pushed to Friday now, so I have more time to think things over and prepare what I want to say

Ok so that sounds good, having more time to decide what to ask for. This is one of my favourite resources about anxiety, hope it helps.

OP if your job is causing you this much anxiety is it not a case of just being in the wrong job? Is it something that includes trying to be someone who you're just not, public speaking if you're an introvert for example? It sounds like you need a change of career or if possible could you quit and try to find a low paid job for a while? Don't try to force yourself into being someone you're not. X

Hi, just reading your post and it takes me back a few years for sure, that homesick feeling I can really relate too, I wish I had an amazing answer for you but I can still struggle now, however I did leave the job, I still work in a similar role but at a different place and my gosh the difference is unreal, I work very close to where I live in fact I walk everyday, I personally look back and realise it was a staffing issue and a toxic work life balance ( I do have 2 children), I hope you get some comfort and find the right balance for you. I had CBT which was amazing and I did lots of selfcare and listened to podcasts I found it helped me understand anxiety its self. Take care x

Another difficult day... The difficult thing is I know my response is disproportionate, but I feel so vulnerable that the slightest thing sets me off.

Today I had some work that needed to be finished by end of day, I was taking in internal feedback and felt like I was running out of time as I needed to finish it before I logged off early (I'm on reduced hours still). I felt like I couldn't concentrate to finish it, and felt like the feedback I received was really basic things I should have known (and did know, before my sick leave) and I just felt that the work was rubbish. I was imagining my manager reviewing my work and thinking how terrible it was. I was in tears all afternoon whilst trying to finish it, I kept taking breaks to try and pull myself together and half of me was flummoxed as to why I was crying over a silly little word document...

How was your meeting?

I had out-of-the-blue waves of anxiety when I was coming off sertraline (reducing the dose over a few weeks). So that could be a factor OP.

It went ok. I felt that horrible feeling where your throat starts to hurt and you feel like you're going to burst into tears, but managed to keep myself together.

My manager emphasised that they expect my work to take me longer and not be up to the same standard as before after so long off, and that they have no concerns about that side of things.

They suggest I shorten my day in the office, and said to just message/email if I felt like I needed to reduce my hours on other days. I then spoke to the occupational health person who has been advising my company on my return to work, and they have recommended that my reduced hours are extended for a few weeks to give me more time to adjust

Your employer sounds very supportive op. Do you feel more reassured now?

This sounds heartbreaking. But do you really enjoy your job? Might it help if you find something that you really love doing, something that can take you over so much you won't have time to go into bad headspace at work? Maybe a kind of work that works better for you psychologically? More/less contact etc?

From what you're saying, I would try to keep going with this job. You've done brilliantly getting back into it. The negative things sound as if they are happening more in your head than in the job; they're incredibly difficult but unfortunately at the moment they would go with you into another job.

I really recommend a basic breathing technique for those throat tightening moments- any therapist will have their preferred ones, but I do 'in for 5 out for 7'. It really helps.

I feel better having got everything off my chest. I struggled to open up before as I always felt like I needed to 'be professional', but I feel like I have nothing really left to lose anymore.

I do enjoy my job, and things have gotten better since being back (e.g. I feel like I'm starting to bond with my colleagues, I've been better at maintaining a good work-life balance). I also find the work rewarding and it allows me to be creative and I can find it quite fun when I get into the flow of things.

One thing that is bothering me tonight is feeling inept and bad at my job. I mentioned this briefly to my manager and HR (I just mentioned it's been hard to get back into tasks and I've needed more time and guidance than before), but it's starting to play on my mind a bit more over this weekend. I keep having dreams of getting fired, or my manager telling me how disappointed they are in me. I think it's a combination of things:

• I started working on a new project around a month before going off sick, so I was already new and inexperienced but now I've returned because I've technically been on the project for several months I'm not recognised as a new addition to the team, yet I feel like a new addition.


• On my other project, there is a lot to remember (a lot of strategy and background information) and I've forgotten a lot of it. It's the type of thing I'll just pick up again with time, but at the moment I feel like the work I'm producing is not up to my usual standard, and I'm missing things (e.g. writing things that go against the business strategy).

I feel like my employer will just wish they had gotten rid of me and got someone new in, as I'm more hassle than I'm worth. I feel like a burden to my team and like I've let them down

Placemarking Op

I was in the same situation years ago. It sounds like your medication needs reviewing. I tried 3 SSRIs before I was settled on escitalopram which has less side effects

How are you now OP?

It sounds to me like you are reducing the depression tablets too early. I get that you have side effects but surely how you feel mentally should be priority

Sounds like the meeting went well,
The negative and intrusive thoughts are a natural feature of anxiety. Have you tried Headspace before? Worth a look at the free resources as can help you observe your thoughts and free you from getting stuck in them :).