I’m feeling so low and nobody is listening

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I’m really depressed. I haven’t felt like this since I had PND over the last two years. I’m not sure if it’s really ever gone away, but at the moment I feel so low.

I’ve posted before: I’m running a business, I have a DP who doesn’t work or do any housework (not even when my son is at nursery), my son, 2, is very delayed and suspected autism, and I’m burnt out and feel I’m becoming unwell.

I’ve felt like this for the past couple of months but it’s really hit me this week. I’m doing what I can, I called my GP who has referred me for CBT but was very dismissive, I’ve called my community mental health team (4 appointments cancelled on their end in 12 months) three times and each time they say they’ll come back to me and then don’t. I’m on medication that I feel is not working and needs to be reviewed and I’ve stressed this multiple times to no avail.

I’m working, trying to be a good mum, trying to keep up with the house but it’s becoming very overwhelming.

I’m finding today especially difficult because a client is not happy with me (due to a mistake that I genuinely didn’t make), and I saw a post from a girl I know telling everyone about her just turned 2 year old can count to five. My son can’t say a single word, doesn’t really understand and struggles to communicate.

I’ve done all the referrals - speech and language therapy; paediatrician, toddler talking group, health visitor, GP, I’m constantly asking the nursery for tips, and I feel like I’m getting nowhere due to the waiting lists. I’m going to get the speech and language therapy done privately now and am currently enquiring.

I’m encouraging my DP to go back to work and DS will do an extra day at nursery but he keeps telling me he doesn’t know if he wants to. I’m tired of him not even making an effort with the house.

I feel like a crap mum, like my baby’s delays are because of me, he is the most amazing little boy ever and is so so loving, and we do so much for and with him. I wouldn’t change him for the world, it’s just hard.

I don’t know what I’m asking for really, I just don’t know what to do and I’m constantly anxious and feeling so low.

I'm listening. And I hear you.

You are burnt out and at risk of becoming very seriously unwell. Your partner needs to step up Right Now.

Is there any chance of you getting signed off for mental health reasons, and booting partner with your son out to a friend's or relatives while you take some time for yourself and to work out what would work?

It sounds like you could benefit from partner working full-time so you can be home or be more part time. At least he's making a contribution to the family that way, unlike being at home but also not lifting a finger.

I'm so sorry. It sounds awful. X

I can't think of what to say off-hand, other than to say you have a quite terrible amount on your plate... And it sounds like you are doing an amazing job! - if you are pursuing those kind of actions for your son, for example, I just don't think you can be a 'crap mum'.

Would it help to look at it the other way round? - how many clients did you keep happy today, for example?

ah sorry to hear about all this OP! sounds really tough. I've been through low times and am old enough to realise that they were exactly that for me....low times, which passed.

Sounds like you're doing your best for your son which is 100% the best for him because you are his mum.

can you take a step back from the seemingly permanent situation of the house and do whatever it takes to help you to take a step back... have a day out, with or without son,do whatever you enjoy, in my case it's napping with a good book, seeing friends etc?

then once you have a bit of mojo back you can talk to your dh maybe and get some perspective.

Im not very good with the advice I can offer back but just to let you know I am listening and sending lots of hugs. 💐

I don't think any amount of Cbt or medication is going to make things better the whole time you are living with a lazy useless dick.

Best advice is get rid of your so called lazy for shit partner.

Yep!

Thank you for the kind words. I’m just constantly in a state of worry I’m not doing enough, working too much, lazy with the house etc. It just feels like there’s not enough hours in the day to do everything and I’m slipping behind.

I would absolutely love to just book a hotel for a night on my own to sit and think and take a breath.

Im listening op, this sounds really tough! It sounds like you are completely burned out.

I am no good with advice, but one thing i will say is ditch that good for nothing man!

What is your partner actually contributing at the moment?
I can't help agreeing that your life might work a lot better without having to carry them on top of everything else.

Don't think I can add much to what others have said, but just to say you sound like an amazing mum. Your son is very lucky to have you fighting his corner. It sounds like you need some time to just breathe and gather your thoughts. Could you get signed off from work or even just take some leave while your son is in nursery just to have a bit of time to yourself? Or any possibility of seeking mental health support or a GP appointment privately? NHS services are just so stretched at the moment and it sounds like you could do with some input urgently.

Sorry just realised you run your own business so that first suggestion may not be helpful!

I think you'd feel much better without your useless, lazy partner bringing you down. You sound like you are doing the best for your child, which is something you should be proud of. Your partner should be supporting you, not making you feel worse.

I would keep the pressure on the assessment for your son. If he has ASD it's not down to your parenting. You are a loving hardworking mum with no support.
Reduce social media.
Think dh has to go too - sorry. He's more of a burden.

Can you get a private assessment for your child I know money may not allow

Honestly considering ditching the DP - he doesn't seem to be contributing ANYTHING to your life

@Hoolahulahoop I’ve tried to go down the private assessment route and unfortunately I can’t find anyone who will even see an under 5 year old :(

This is true

It's beyond time for a chat with your partner. He needs to shape up or ship out. It's very unfair of him to leave this all to you. No wonder your mental health is on the floor.

Firstly, it gets better. Secondly, as hard as it is, don’t compare your ds to anyone else, he will follow his own path - autistic or not.

I wish I could come and help you in person, I have been where you are. My two children are both autistic, one was speaking in sentences before he turned a year old and the other didn’t say anything until age 4! Totally chalk and cheese yet both autistic. They are both amazing in their own ways as you say your little boy is. Also you did not cause any of his delays so please try to stop thinking that.

The journey is a difficult one, don’t get me wrong but you adapt along the way and learn so much, avoiding triggers, getting a routine in order that works for everyone etc

You can not do it all! My dh has always pulled his weight in regards to the house etc and is the main breadwinner but I struggled with his head in the sand attitude towards the kids having special needs in the beginning.
I only had my mum and childminder who agreed with my concerns. Once dh was on board, it was so much easier.

I haven’t been able to return to full time work since our youngest was born due to her disabilities (several other diagnoses alongside autism) there are far too many appointments, calls from school and nights where sleep in very sparse! So I am the main carer for my two children while dh is the worker. You cannot have one side of a couple doing absolutely fuck all! And I think it’s disgraceful this is what your partner is doing.
It is no wonder you feel the way you do.

I know exactly how you feel, I have been suicidal in the past during the early days of the diagnosis journeys we have been on when I had no support and no help and it was hell but I can promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark it seems right now.

If your partner cannot step up by either working and sharing that burden or take on the house side of things, he cannot just opt out of adulting, then he needs to leave because you would automatically feel better once that anchor has been cut! You’re doing it all anyway so him no longer being there would make no difference anyway.

You are a brilliant mum, you care - a lot, that is evident. You wouldn’t be feeling this run down if you were a crap mum!

I don’t really have any advice regarding your lack of help towards your own health as I’ve experienced the same, it feels like you’re screaming asking for help and no one takes any notice. Maybe look online at groups for Autistic children, not all groups require a diagnosis to offer help. The National Autistic Society is good and has lots of advice.

You could also see whether there are any metal health crisis teams in your area just so you can talk to someone. I also found letting it all out through a massive crying session helped alleviate the pent up frustration I felt, it enabled me to get through another day.

Thinking of you x

If you are under a community team, i would contact the single point of access if your trust has this and give them your details and say you need to speak to your care coordinator if you have one, if not say you need to speak with someone from your CMHT and that you have had the last 4 appointments cancelled by them. Say that you are struggling and need to speak with someone asap. They will send this to your teams CMHT duty worker or if you have a CC them directly. If it goes to the duty worker that will normally be the person on duty to cover all those who dont have a CC and anything else inbetween that comes up and they should either forward on the info to your CC or they should contact you directly to follow up your call to the SPA. Im sorry you have had so many appointments cancelled, this does not sound good at all. I wonder if they are really short staffed. I know the team above mine in our offices had no nurses at all for a while and our team had to cover their depot appointment etc. Was a nightmare. Not that it should be something you should have to worry about as you just need help and support. I hope something i have written is helpful and it makes sense. Take care OP

Oh my goodness….I hear you! xx

I work p/t and have a child with additional needs, just slightly younger than yours.

Spinning all the plates, the mental load and the guilt is overwhelming at times.

Your partner is being incredibly selfish. Is he honestly happy to sit and watch you crumble under the weight of everything? You don’t deserve that.

I haven’t read all the other comments but can you apply for DLA for your child? It’s a 40 page form but may open some doors if you don’t have this already. I don’t think you need a formal diagnosis but there are threads on here that could help.

Also have nursery done an EHCP? Apparently you can also start these yourself online if they are being a bit slow.

The main thing here is your partner though. He either needs to get a job so he’s out the house causing less mess(!) or do the lions share of the house.

Sorry you’re going through this.

CBT and medications won't help when the problem is your partner. Honestly, what does he bring to the relationship? If the answer is 'nothing' then you need to leave.

wow you've got so much going on it's not surprising you feel like you do.
have you joined any SALT facebook groups? i'm on a couple and they're really helpful - plus people who are in the same position as you ... young child, waiting for referral etc etc. and there's proper SALT on it who give loads of good advice. plus there are salts on instagram who are also really lovely and helpful.

can the nursery help you with SALT at all? what interventions are they doing?/is is things taht you can do at home?
i'm so sorry you've got so much going on. your partner sounds like a massive pain in the arse which is not helping anyone.

Why doesn't your partner give a fuck that you're feeling like this?

What would the practicalities be of splitting up? He doesn't seem to earn any money or do anything useful?

im sorry op , what stands out for me is the lack of support you have . You dp doesn’t help you round the house with your child nor the mental load why because he doesn’t want to ! .
I think he is making you feel much much worse because honestly nobody can do it all alone your not superwoman. The mental load alone takes a huge strain and it’s making you very unwell . What will happen if you get worse and worse will he step up then ? .
if he offers you no support whatsoever I think him not being under your feet will be once less thing to worry about .
i really hope you get the support and help you need I wish you luck .