In thinking he may re-think once things settle

Yellowcakestand · 2022-08-16T13:31:55+00:00

Big upheaval for DP. Fairly new (10 months) but strong relationship, think plans for the future/holidays/moving in together/spending time with families, easy, fun ect. Never had an argument. DP son has recently moved here from another country after 5 years of being apart. Massive, massive change for both of them. Cue DP breaking it off with me due to trying to fit it all in, travel between myself and DP is 1 hour, travel between DP and his DS also 1 hour...in the opposite direction. DP due to move closer to his DS...1.5 hours from me. He also travels around the country daily for work. DS needs to come first, they have missed out on so much time together. I fully understand this. He has all of a sudden broken it off with me, saying he is tired/exhausted/drained and just cannot do the travel all the time and somethings got to give before he can't cope anymore. Obvs cannot be his work or his DS. In an 'ideal world' he would pick us all up and move us closer to his DS but in the meantime he cannot carry on like this and its wearing him down. He is sorry and he loves me and wishes this wasn't the decision he has to make. He cried when he told me, very upset. I am hoping that in time things will settle, his DS will be used to it here and seeing family and splitting his time and he may want to re-evaluate the situation. Has anyone else had this experience?

Cakecakecheese · 16/08/2022 14:34

Maybe but don't put your life on hold waiting for him to get there.

stuntbubbles · 16/08/2022 14:35

I would reframe this as: do I want to wait around for this guy to get his life in order/ducks in a row? And once I’ve waited around, would I want to take him back knowing I’m not a priority?

It’s a shitty situation but don’t be the person who puts their life on hold waiting for some guy.

RatherBeRiding · 16/08/2022 14:38

I wouldn't hold your breath. if he was that bothered he would find a way to make it work. Just out of interest, how old is his DS?

Whataretheodds · 16/08/2022 14:39

Never had an argument. but then breaks things off with you instead of letting him know how he feels, talking things through to see if a solution can be found. That's a concern.

He's doing the right thing by his son.

He might 'come round but be damn sure in the meantime you haven't been waiting /hanging on for him. And get clear on what you want and what needs to be different.

AllFreeOwls · 16/08/2022 14:39

Just be conscious that he's keeping you as an option at the moment. Don't put your life on hold in the hope he changes his mind.

Schooldil3ma · 16/08/2022 14:41

If he's been mostly apart from his son for 5 years he's not going to introduce a girlfriend for a year or two....do you want to wait that long?

10HailMarys · 16/08/2022 14:41

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but I think you need to assume this is the end of this relationship. Hanging on in the hope that he will change his mind is not going to be good for you, and ultimately he has put his son first now and he will continue to do so. You would always be the less important person in his life. That's not a criticism of him - it's fair enough that his child is his priority. But you'd always be second fiddle.

Essexgalttc · 16/08/2022 14:43

How old is DS?

neverbeenskiing · 16/08/2022 14:45

OP, I mean this kindly..if he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. If he was madly in love with you and invested in planning a future together he would simply find a way to make it work. It's not like there's an ocean between you. He says something had to give but he's chosen your relationship rather than looking for a job with less travelling, for example. You say he's due to relocate but instead of asking you to move with him he's ended the relationship. Maybe you would have said no, but he would have lost nothing by asking if that's what he wanted! I'm sorry, but it sounds like he wasn't as serious about you as he made you believe. Please don't put your life on hold for this man.

Original poster

Yellowcakestand · 16/08/2022 14:48

Thanks all. I've been struggling with this and needed other views.
His DS is 8.
I've already met him twice, with my DS.

OP posts:

Neondevelitionist · 16/08/2022 14:48

If something as benign as having a job and his son moving near him is enough to send him into a breakdown, he's not partner material. You need someone with some resilience.

Although to be honest, given the vast majority of people manage to have a job and a son without all the drama, it sounds like he's just breaking up with you with a crap excuse. I mean, he's either exceptionally weak or he's a coward for not giving you a clear reason, so either way you're well rid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2022 14:48

I wouldn’t hang around. If he was committed to you he’d have talked about things with you and done his best to juggle things instead of dumping you. It sucks that this was his first response to things getting more complicated. I’d be really hurt. I’d also accept his decision and move on.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/08/2022 14:51

Nah, after only 10 months in I'd cut your losses

Schooldil3ma · 16/08/2022 14:52

Crikey you've already met eachothers dc, after only 10 months, and him just being reunited with his!? Sounds like far too much too soon, he's clumsily trying to extract himself from the relationship maybe? Whichever way I'd let it go.

Spinasaurus · 16/08/2022 14:53

I wouldn't hold your breath TBH.

When I read the OP I presumed the son was an adult.

Any particular reason he didn't travel to another country to be with his 3 year old when he left? Or hasn't bothered to go to him in the last five years? I wouldn't be having a relationship with a man who didn't want to move heaven and earth to be closer to his young children to be blunt.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 16/08/2022 14:57

Hmmm, Sorry but my first thought is he is rekindling thing with his sons dm.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 14:59

I think it's unfair to suggest he just doesn't like you and was looking for an excuse.

I imagine it all just feels a lot. He hasn't hands on parented for years, now he needs to move house and start trying to work out how to be a "full time" Dad around the contact agreement. And getting to know his son.

If he has him EOW that means seeing you the other weekends, maybe he doesn't feel this is enough for him?

If he's seeing him every weekend, when would he see you?

It's such early days for THEM to drag DS around the country to see Dad's gf.

He's being a decent person by prioritising his kid over his love life. It sucks but I wouldn't sit around and pine for him. Stay friends if that's an option and carry on with your life. If he changes his mind, see how you feel. You might have moved on yourself.

Frazzledmummy123 · 16/08/2022 15:02

Neondevelitionist · 16/08/2022 14:48

If something as benign as having a job and his son moving near him is enough to send him into a breakdown, he's not partner material. You need someone with some resilience.

Although to be honest, given the vast majority of people manage to have a job and a son without all the drama, it sounds like he's just breaking up with you with a crap excuse. I mean, he's either exceptionally weak or he's a coward for not giving you a clear reason, so either way you're well rid.

I agree with this post .

He isn't really being asked to cope with much, so if this is sending him into meltdown then I'd be questioning if you want to be with someone who can cope with so little, and who is willing to break up with you rather than try even if things aren't perfect.

I had an ex who split up with me citing living 1 hour apart as the reason. Looking back, I am pretty sure he was just using the distance as an excuse to break up with me. Even if he wasn't, the fact he wasn't even prepared to try and make any extra effort told me all I need to know about how he felt about me. If he wanted to, he would have found a way.

I know it hurts like hell but you would be doing the best thing to move on from him💐

Sartre · 16/08/2022 15:04

Meh, I wouldn’t sit around waiting on tenterhooks for him to crawl back. Crack on with your life and have fun, it’s too short for crap like this. Ten months in I’d cut my losses.

MulletsBeGone · 16/08/2022 15:40

Yellowcakestand · 16/08/2022 14:48

Thanks all. I've been struggling with this and needed other views.
His DS is 8.
I've already met him twice, with my DS.

This sounds like you've both moved pretty fast in the introducing children. If he's already had introduced not only you but also your child when he's only just been reunited himself does that mean he's been in your own child's for quite a while too? I'm not saying this to have a dig, I've seen the fall out from adults prioritising their relationship with each other above what might be best for their children.

I don't think you should wait around for him to change his mind and even if he does, I'd say it's a bad idea because he's ended it with you once and could easily do so again if things get tough, as the often do when blending families, and the children already being introduced to not only their parents new girlfriend/boyfriend means any getting back together and splitting up now impacts on them too. I hope your child isn't too fond him yet.

The "ideal world" for you and him is all moving together to be nearer his child but not be what's ideal for both of your children. His eight year old has only met you twice, he might want to only build a relationship with his dad instead of being pushed into a blended setup so soon. He's still getting to know and building a relationship with their dad and I kind of think he's doing the right thing in splitting up because adding in building a relationship with you and your child I think it's a bit much for everyone involved.

Your partner might have realised introducing you so quick wasn't a good idea because he needs, for the foreseeable, to spend time getting to know his son, just them two, and that would mean you taking a big back step if most if his weekends are now taken up with contact with his son and he's very reasonably seen that he can't split himself into two and what he wants with you and blending, might not be what's right for his child.

Mumspair1 · 16/08/2022 15:43

So he weighed up all the options to reduce the load in his life and it was you that didn't make the cut. I would wish him well and leave him to it. He doesn't sound that serious about you.

Original poster

Yellowcakestand · 16/08/2022 18:49

Spinasaurus · 16/08/2022 14:53

I wouldn't hold your breath TBH.

When I read the OP I presumed the son was an adult.

Any particular reason he didn't travel to another country to be with his 3 year old when he left? Or hasn't bothered to go to him in the last five years? I wouldn't be having a relationship with a man who didn't want to move heaven and earth to be closer to his young children to be blunt.

He did, that's why he is here now. His DS was born abroad, they split, Divorced and he had to come home for work. They were due to follow but didnt then covid happened which built in more delay. He has been to court to try to get them back here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yellowcakestand · 16/08/2022 18:51

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 14:59

I think it's unfair to suggest he just doesn't like you and was looking for an excuse.

I imagine it all just feels a lot. He hasn't hands on parented for years, now he needs to move house and start trying to work out how to be a "full time" Dad around the contact agreement. And getting to know his son.

If he has him EOW that means seeing you the other weekends, maybe he doesn't feel this is enough for him?

If he's seeing him every weekend, when would he see you?

It's such early days for THEM to drag DS around the country to see Dad's gf.

He's being a decent person by prioritising his kid over his love life. It sucks but I wouldn't sit around and pine for him. Stay friends if that's an option and carry on with your life. If he changes his mind, see how you feel. You might have moved on yourself.

This is what i was feeling about it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yellowcakestand · 16/08/2022 18:51

Thanks all for the perspective x

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