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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have invited my auntie to spread the ashes

25 replies

OtisSower65 · 16/08/2022 10:15

NC as slightly outing.

I lost my mom is tragic circumstances just over 4 months ago at the age of 47. I ended up being her main carer for the last 6 weeks of her life. She was unfortunately diagnosed with late stage cancer and she died within 6 weeks of the diagnosis. All quite sudden and I suppose the grief is still quite raw.

Me and my dad have decided to spread her ashes in a few weeks time and have a bit of closer to everything. We did say this isn’t a big party or a big get together as we just want some closer and to remember my moms life. I have 2 siblings who will be coming with my SIL and BIL as well as the 2 grandkids. My uncle will also be coming as he was extremely close with my mom and was there with me, my dad and my brother when she died.

My auntie (dads sister) has gone in a right huff and demanded we invite her to spread the ashes as she was “extremely close” to my mom. This is absolute shit. She barely visited my mom and when she did my auntie expected to be waited on hand and foot. She really upset my mom about a week before she died as my mom became paralysed and was stuck in bed and she laughed in my moms face about the fact she had to go to the toilet in the bed (with a bed pan obviously) and told her it was disgusting. I have not forgiven her for making my mom so upset. She also didn’t attend the funeral as her husband was “ill” Conveniently he’s always ill when family gathering happen but considering she bleats how close she was to my mom I thought she would have attended the funeral. She also has not once rang or spoke to me, my brother, my sister or my dad since my mom has passed and expects us to be the one who calls her. She has only text my dad but hasn’t physically spoken to him.

She found out about us spreading the ashes as a family friend mentioned it was nice that there was just a small group of us to spread her ashes and say goodbye.

So AIBU to not have extended the invite to her? Just to add it’s obvious I don’t want her there but neither do my siblings and my dad also doesn’t either but she’s making out that we are being purposely nasty.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 16/08/2022 10:19

You don't need to tell her anything other than 'it'll just be us, sorry'. If she prods further then tell her how upset her behaviour made you. Who knows, it might provoke some soul-searching.

Glowworm885 · 16/08/2022 10:19

I'm so sorry for your loss.

In regards to your auntie you are well within your rights to tell her to sling her hook. How dare she demand this when you are so raw with your grief and considering she was less than useless in supporting or even just being kind...she deserves nothing from any of you.

Bonheurdupasse · 16/08/2022 10:21

Please tell all and sundry what she said to your mum at the end.
She's a vile vile person.

Biscuitsneeded · 16/08/2022 10:28

Dear Auntie,

Nothing personal but we're keeping it very small. I'm sure you understand.

Lots of love,

Otis

If she dares to argue then just stop contacting her.

VerifiedBot2351 · 16/08/2022 10:31

If you are asking one of your mother’s siblings to be there, then you should ask the other as well.

Justcallmebebes · 16/08/2022 10:34

VerifiedBot2351 · Today 10:31
If you are asking one of your mother’s siblings to be there, then you should ask the other as well.

It's her dad's sister. So sorry for your loss OP

Uselessuser · 16/08/2022 10:34

VerifiedBot2351 · 16/08/2022 10:31

If you are asking one of your mother’s siblings to be there, then you should ask the other as well.

She's the dads sibling. Not her mothers sibling. She doesn't need to be there at all.

PonyPatter44 · 16/08/2022 10:35

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum 💐for you.

Of course you're not unreasonable to leave your auntie out of it. She sounds like a bit of a grief tourist.

LIZS · 16/08/2022 10:37

Is the uncle on dm side? If not I can see why auntie might feel left out but just say immediate family only. How did friend know before her though?

Hotandbothereds · 16/08/2022 10:39

Sorry for your loss.

I’d say no and if she pushes it remind her how much she upset your mum, what a vile thing of her to say, I’d not want to be around her full stop let alone for this.

Original poster
OtisSower65 · 16/08/2022 10:39

Thank you all for your kind words. Currently my dad has told her we’ve kept it small and if she has any issues then to actually either call him or myself to talk about it as my dad refuses to do it over text.

@VerifiedBot2351 its not my moms sister it is my dads sister. My uncle is my moms brother and he’s been absolutely amazing for my dad so there’s no way he wasn’t going to attend.

OP posts:
Meraas · 16/08/2022 10:40

YANBU, if you invite aunt, she will find a way to make it about her.

Tell the others in the other that they are not to invite anyone else, in case she tries to get the details from someone else.

happystory · 16/08/2022 10:40

She sounds a very unpleasant woman and I wouldn't want her to be there either.

picklemewalnuts · 16/08/2022 10:44

But you aren't related to her, Aunty. It's her immediate family only.

I find distracting the conversation across to their own funeral quite effective when anyone criticises some else's choices.

'So who'd you want at yours, then?'

Clymene · 16/08/2022 10:45

Not only would I not want her at the scattering of your mum's ashes, I wouldn't want her to cross my threshold again. What a dreadful thing to say to someone who's dying

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope the ash scattering is a positive and healing experience.

diddl · 16/08/2022 10:48

my mom became paralysed and was stuck in bed and she laughed in my moms face about the fact she had to go to the toilet in the bed

That is one of the nastiest things that I have ever read.

Rosehugger · 16/08/2022 10:49

YANBU. Nobody should be making it all about them just now. She is being a right twat.

CymruChris · 16/08/2022 10:51

From the title of the thread I was quite ready to say as your mums sister, she should be there. After reading that this isn't the case and she's also a complete dick, I completely agree that she shouldn't be there and if I were you I'd probably have nothing to do with her ever again.
I'm sorry for your loss.

pinkfondu · 16/08/2022 10:55

Just tell her to knob off

WaltzingWaters · 16/08/2022 10:57

She sounds absolutely vile. Definitely YANBU. The funeral is a time for everyone to say their goodbyes and she didn’t even bother. The spreading of ashes is for those closest, and it definitely doesn’t sound as if she fits into that category.
so sorry for your loss.

picklemewalnuts · 16/08/2022 10:59

picklemewalnuts · 16/08/2022 10:44

But you aren't related to her, Aunty. It's her immediate family only.

I find distracting the conversation across to their own funeral quite effective when anyone criticises some else's choices.

'So who'd you want at yours, then?'

Or alternatively,

"You upset us all Aunty, so no."

ToffeeNotCoffee · 16/08/2022 10:59

Sorry that your Mum died.

You are right not to invite her. (I suspect your Mum might just be pleased about it and how she's kicking off too.)

I had a similar situation where we didn't want to invite a deceased parent's sibling to their funeral or for them to even know any details. Long, nasty, upsetting story as to why. (They found out, God alone knows how, but they did.)

Fortunately they didn't turn up, looking smug because they knew they were where they weren't wanted.

Original poster
OtisSower65 · 16/08/2022 11:12

Thank you all for your lovely and kind words. I do plan on never having anything to do with her again and majority of the family feel the same. I just can’t forgive her and she made such an upsetting time worse.

No doubt it’ll be us that’s the horrible ones for not inviting her but if anyone asks me as to why they will be given the full reason.

@LIZS family friend speaks to us often and my dad just mentioned in passing we were spreading the ashes. She then bumped into auntie when out and about and mentioned it to her. I’m not at all annoyed at family friend and it was inevitable that auntie would find out at some point.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 16/08/2022 11:38

Please don't tell auntie where or when you're scattering the ashes. If she knows, change the day - preferably to a day before she thinks it's going to happen. She will ruin your very personal, private moments and you can never have that time back.

imsanehonest · 16/08/2022 11:42

So sorry for your loss Flowers

What your auntie said to your mum in the last week of her life is absolutely unforgivable. I would tell her that is why she wasn't invited. Awful, awful person. She doesn't care about hurting people's feelings, so don't give a flying fig about hurting hers.

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