To want tokens/gifts/effort?

[Thefanisblowinghotair]

So I’ve been with my partner just over 4 years. When we met he was a lot of fun, had good banter, was very forthcoming with words of love and very affectionate. Sex was absolutely out of this world. The chemistry we had was amazing, it seemed like we really “got” each other.

He’s never been a gift giver. I don’t think he was given much or had much as a child. His mother never worked and had 3 children to 3 different men so they never had much at all. Whereas my family constantly buy each things and put their hands in their pockets.

He didn’t bother to get me a card for my birthday the first year we were together whereas I paid for us to go to a holiday destination that I knew he’d always wanted to go to for his. This is an ongoing thing. Out of 4 birthdays together only 2 he’s got me a card and paid for a gift but I done the ordering myself and he just gave me the money.

We had a baby last year and bought a house this year. It’s been quite stressful. I have PND of which he hasn’t been very supportive as he doesn’t understand it.

We were talking last week and it dawned on me that he’s never “spoilt” me or done anything romantic really off his own back. I’m always thinking about him, buying him snacks he likes, making his lunch for work and leaving him little notes, silly stuff like that but let’s him know I care about him. I used to buy him a lot more actual gifts but it’s never been reciprocated at all so I’ve stopped. Our conversation made me think to myself…”why am I even with you?” “How did I even fall in love with you in the first place?” He didn’t wine and dine me or woo me with romantic gestures. Our sex life has dwindled to nothing since baby came and we sleep in separate rooms because of his snoring.

He’s quite miserable with money as well. He’ll give me if I ask for something towards our child but doesn’t willingly offer up and has only bought 1 thing for the baby since they were born and they’re almost a year old.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. I feel like I don’t really want to be with him anymore. A part of me still loves him but I don’t know why. There’s no demonstrative effort being made on his part to show he cares. It’s all words and no actions and even then, the words are less now as well.

My family and friends like him, they think he’s a good guy, which he is in essence. But I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who’s actions don’t match up to his words.

AIBU in wanting more? Or should I accept this is the way he is? He worlds hard and pays the bills (grudgingly), he isn’t abusive or anything like that. He’s not a bad guy but I find myself wanting more now and wondering what I’ve been doing for the last 4 years.

*works hard

Some people don’t bother with birthday cards or surprise presents. Your family do, others don’t, I think it is a bit unreasonable to start complaining about it four years down the line after choosing to have a child with him. If this was an important thing you wanted in a partner then you shouldn’t have settled.

But what is rather more concerning about your post, is what you have said about him not contributing towards the child and you having to ask. This I don’t think is acceptable.

You are not being unreasonable or asking too much.

I could not spend my life with a penny-pinching mean miser.

@Aprilx the gift thing has been on ongoing issue for the whole 4 years. I had finally decided that it was just his way and like you say, not everyone is the same as my family. But I think it’s come to the fore again as without the amazing sex and all the fun dates and going out partying we used to do, I’m not sure what I actually saw in him to start with. We’ve had many big rows recently and I’ve told him I need him to be more demonstrative in this way as I’m starting to get really resentful about everything tbh. Especially the money thing. He sees his older daughter EOW and hands her £100 or thereabouts everytime he sees her. To me it seems like he cares more about what his ex-wife thinks than what I do. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with her but doesn’t care that I’m having to ask for money toward our shared child. And even then, he makes me feel like I shouldn’t be asking.

I Think for the first couple of years it wasn’t such a big deal as we didn’t live together and on dates, he would always pay. He always paid his half on weekend away and such.

I already feel like I made a mistake having a baby with him but I don’t regret my child.

YANBU and completely entitled to your feelings, I'd be dissapointed to have a no-effort gift or zero acknowledge of a meaningful thing everytime. Its not actually that difficult for someone who cares, a sweet Smartshow 3d video card for your Birthday would go a long way and it doesn't take a long time to create, either.
The main problem here is a general lack of attention on his part, hence no effort coming from him either. I'm sorry it happens to you.