To expect/teach an 11/12 year old to self-regulate phone use

[QueenKit]

DS got a phone a few months ago - having just finished year 6 there are loads of whatsapp groups and chats and he can spend ages on it, when he's not on chat he'll be playing games or watching videos. He's always been one for devices so we've previously put limits on amount of time to watch TV/play on tablet - but I feel like as he grows up and goes out more, he'll have his phone with him a lot of the time so we should teach him to self regulate. When he first got it we were clear that it's wasn't intended to be just to sit on for videos/games, and that we weren't setting rules around how long he could spend on it, but we would if it became excessive.

The other day he was sat on it all day apart from an hour or two we were out for, so I spoke to partner (who is generally less bothered about this than me) about revisiting ground rules about phone use. So we spoke to DS about reasonable usage and him needing to manage his use better - when he's in secondary school he'll need to manage time for homework, sports, friends etc so we need to see that he can be responsible. I'd like to teach him to more pro-actively pay attention to when he's been on his phone for a while and recognise that being on it for hours isn't healthy - but the next day it was exactly the same as if we hadn't said anything - I reminded him he was supposed to be putting it down more but he said he'd forgotten and was on it every opportunity.

Do I have any chance of expecting an 11 year old to limit phone use? Am I being a control freak about this? I feel like that's just standard parenting - but DP doesn't seem particularly bothered. I don't think endless phone use at this age is healthy at all and will teach him terrible habits for the future - but is this just what tweens and teens do? It feels like an uphill battle and would really like others experiences on what they did and whether it's just something I have to let go of or whether I should persevere

YANBU - yes, teach good habits now and help him learn to self-regulate
YABU - that's what kids do now - let it go

Thanks

Many adults struggle to regulate their phone use so I think it’s really important that you help your DS with this, absolutely.

I'm an adult and I struggle to regulate my phone use! At that age it's too much to expect imo. You need to physically take it off him and put it somewhere else. Set a schedule so he can either use it at certain times or for a certain length of time each day.

No, you need to regulate it for him.

YANBU that regulating phone use is important.

You are being unreasonable to expect him to self-police this.

Phones are addictive. Adults struggle. Set limits and enforce them via apps and controls. As he gets older, then he can have restrictions eased and learn more self-control.

Adults aren't even good at regulating their phone use (guilty) and children/teens aren't known for their amazing regulation skills either - their brains just aren't developed in that way yet. Definitely teach him good habits but I personally wouldn't leave him to self-regulate for a while

Meh - what's the point in teaching him to self regulate to prepare for secondary school when he has homework, clubs etc.

Surely when that time comes he would be active and busy anyway so the phone use wouldn't be as much of an issue as it is now in the summer holidays?

Yes he needs to learn how to use it sensibly - but I wouldn’t expect that to be at all easy! You’ll likely have to take a very proactive role here. You can use the child/family settings on iPhones to restrict time uses in general and for particular apps - we do this. And to monitor screen time on the phone. Set expectations early cos if he gets really addicted over the holidays it’s a hard one to pull back from.

He's a child, unless the downside of not regulating his time is made worse than the upside of doing what he wants, he won't learn. You need to punish him when he doesn't control himself - if you think he's on his phone for too long, confiscate it for a couple of weeks. You can buy a cheap non-smartphone if you want to be able to get hold of him.

By prompting or reminding him, you're not punishing him - if you accept "sorry I forgot" and him then doing it again, there's no reason for him to try harder.

It's unlikely he'll self regulate. Most of us don't do we? You could put apps on that either set time limits or at least ping up alerts when he's spent x time on it. Google family is good. I teach teenagers and got them to do a survey of their phone use plus other screen time over a typical week and a lot of them were pretty horrified at what it added up to.

He's too young to expect him to self regulate phone use - you need to set limits. He can't be on it all day, that's terrible for his brain!!

I would be really strict on this considering he's okay - check guidelines for the max amount of time he's meant to be on screens at that stage and then work out a timetable which includes not just the phone but TV, game consoles aswell and take phone from him like you'd turn off the TV.

Start teaching him to regulate and give him small periods where he needs to self-regulate but the expectation of him being able to do it well at this age is unrealistic. As has been said upthread, many adults are rubbish at self-regulation and his ability to do it successfully also relies on his friends doing it a bit too (and so reducing the FOMO).

Thanks for the inputs all. I think my reasoning for teaching self regulation is that if we regulate for him - ie take it off him - then he'll just be on it as much as possible when he has the opportunity to, so won't ever learn to regulate himself. But I guess a more phased approach makes sense.

Glad to know I'm generally not U in trying to do something though. DP doesn't seem very bothered by over use and bad habits and I know I can be a bit of a control freak, so was wondering if I was way off on this onel

I have a ds the same age, he also got a phone earlier this year as part of preparation to go to secondary.

We have put strict limits on it- max 2 hours a day and it cuts off at 7.30pm and he has to leave it downstairs overnight. He can't download any apps without our permission and we made it clear that a condition of him having it was that we would be able to check it whenever. He is not allowed FB/Instagram/Snapchat/tiktok etc.

Like PP have said, I find it hard to regulate my phone use so of course a child will! They are designed to be addictive. I still have reservations about him
Having one tbh. I know from my job how many issues are caused with teens on line in Terms of bullying/sexting etc and I have big concerns about porn and the effect it can have on teens. I was also reading about horrific misogynist influencer Andrew Tate on here. But realistically, he does need a means of contacting us when he is travels g to and from school from September and I feel like he will need to learn how to manage having one, but he definitely needs our help and support.