Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Recovering from pneumonia and pregnant - husband complaining I am not doing enough

23 replies

HoppingKangaroo · 16/08/2022 08:10

I am 30 weeks pregnant and recovering from being hospitalized with pneumonia for 5 days. Got out of the hospital a week ago and the coughing is not as bad, but my breathing (tested my peak flow and its still low) isn't great still. I get out of breath walking up stairs and lifting anything heavy like our 4 year old son. I have asthma and I have lost 3kg since start of pregnancy due to bad morning sickness and now being quite ill for weeks.
I'm looking after our son all day while husband works, which can be more difficult as he has autism. Husband complaining he is doing everything which isn't true as I'm helping with cooking, dishwasher and laundry. The house is a mess and in need of a deep clean and declutter which I'll get round to when I'm feeling better. He seems to resent having to help out (making breakfast, unloading dishwasher or hanging laundry outside) and not getting to sit on couch after work and that house is messier than usual. Surely it's unreasonable to complain and he needs to step up and do more as I'm recovering from pneumonia?

OP posts:

GoldenGorilla · 16/08/2022 08:20

Yes. He should be doing everything possible to help you right now. But clearly he’s a dick.

do you have options? Could you go somewhere else (like your parents) for a while to get some support?

ArcticSkewer · 16/08/2022 08:21

as above. leave and go somewhere else to recuperate.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/08/2022 08:23

Is he normally a nasty, selfish piece of work?

GrazingSheep · 16/08/2022 08:27

He seems to resent having to help out

Stop thinking he has to help out. He is a parent just the same as you are and has equal responsibility for looking after your 4?year old and sharing household tasks.
It sounds as if he has little concern for you.

SkankingWombat · 16/08/2022 08:28

Of course he is BU! He should be making sure all the basics are covered so you can use the bit of energy you do have for your DS but also have rest and the opportunity to properly recover. Everything else can wait or if you can afford it, he can organise bought in help and throw some money at the problem. It doesn't bode well for his attitude when DC2 arrives and it is all hands on deck...

stuntbubbles · 16/08/2022 08:30

He’s a dickhead. Right now I have Covid and I’m pregnant, utterly exhausted and doing nothing, and DP has picked up the entirety of the load. Not a peep.

The point of a marriage or partnership is that sometimes one partner does more because the other can’t: you can’t right now.

As pp, I’d go somewhere else to recuperate if you can.

vipersnest1 · 16/08/2022 08:33

Tell him you can't do things now as you're ill, so he will have to - then stick to it.

Denny53 · 16/08/2022 08:34

How utterly selfish is he? He should be helping with absolutely everything! Otherwise can you get a cleaner in to do a deep clean once you are feeling better? It will be a lot easier to maintain the housework if you have a good clean in the beginning.
what a selfish man

WinterMusings · 16/08/2022 08:40

I'm sorry to hear you've been so unwell.

your DH is being a nasty prick. He should be wanting to do everything he can so you can recover.

has he asked for leave from work? Parental/something to do with pregnancy? No idea what he's entitled to, but surely something!!

you're doing a LOT!! Tell him that when HE is growing a whole new human inside him AND looking after a 4yo (& with SEN) then he can do all the house stuff while you watch on & complain.

if you don't have somewhere to go (parents/siblings/friends) is there anyone who could help you with your 4yo so you can rest?! NOT so you can whizz around the house!!

could you pay someone to come & blitz the house? for you!! Not him.

Do you have any men in your life who could tell him what an absolute twat he's being?

rest as much as you can! Keep your DS fed/watered & safe, yourself & baby too! Nothing beyond that matters right now!💐

Strugglingtodomybest · 16/08/2022 08:40

As above: he's a selfish dick. Does he care for you at all OP, or are you just a skivvy who bears him children?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's how your OP reads to me.

ExplodingCarrots · 16/08/2022 08:42

Well he's a massive arsehole isn't he . My normally fit and healthy DH got pneumonia few years back and was hospitalised for nearly a week. It knocked him on his arse for over a month. Took months to fully recover . I took on the bulk of everything. He did the same for me when I said sepsis after our DD was born. It's because he loves and respects me and it's whats normal in a partnership. Your DH is a selfish manchild. I bet he retreats to his bed at the sign of a sniffle .
Is there somewhere you can go to recuperate and get the support you need ?

FindingMeno · 16/08/2022 08:43

Do not let him bully you into doing more than you should.
What a complete shit he is.

Original poster

HoppingKangaroo · 16/08/2022 08:46

Nowhere I can really go. My parents were reluctant to see me the day after I got out of hospital as my dad was scared of catching pneumonia even though I have completed course of antibiotics and surely bacterial infection that caused it is gone and you can't catch pneumonia? I have no siblings.

He hasn't even told people at work, nevermind asked for leave from work. He was off work for a week (pre planned before I had to go to hospital) while I was in hospital.

OP posts:

OlympicProcrastinator · 16/08/2022 08:47

Wow what an arsehole. He should be taking time off work if possible and doing everything and if he can’t take time off, doing it all when he gets home. My DH would absolutely do that for me and would insist on me not lifting a finger in your position, just as I would for him if he was unwell, especially after a hospital stay. Relationships should be teamwork.

Darcy101 · 16/08/2022 08:53

Just wow! I’ve had pneumonia and it took me six weeks to recover fully. Never felt so tired and weak in all my life when I came home from hospital. Even holding a cup of tea felt heavy! rest is your best friend otherwise it’ll take even longer to get up to full strength. Your partner needs to read up about it and up his game, I feel for you the breathlessness as you recover is scary and debilitating

bathorshower · 16/08/2022 08:57

YANBU. DH had pneumonia with a similar hospital stay, after which he was signed off work for a month. He has an entirely sedentary job - if he was too ill to do that for a month, he was definitely too ill to do housework, and I didn't expect him to.

Rosecoffeecup · 16/08/2022 08:59

YANBU even without the pregnancy. Pneumonia can floor people have weeks, he sounds like a complete bastard. I'd be telling him this in no uncertain terms. Are your ILs on the scene?

Can any friends help you? Even if it's just to help you with your son during the day? I'm sure many people would drop things to help, I would if it were one of my friends.

SunnyD44 · 16/08/2022 09:05

So you’re helping doing the laundry, dishwasher, cooking AND looking after your son all day.

What else is there for him to do?
Push a hoover round when he comes homes which he should be doing anyway.

Sounds like your home is just as messy as most peoples on an average day.

He’s a twat.

Barnybrown · 16/08/2022 09:05

Sorry you have been so ill. It sounds like you both have a lot on your plate. I am going against the majority here I know but if he is working full time and also trying to pick up more of the load at home then I expect he is feeling overwhelmed and exhausted too. If he is saying he feels exhausted and overwhelmed then I think that is forgivable - try to be kind and supportive of each other. These early years of having kids are tough and you can get into a competition about who is having it tougher / who is most exhausted - the reality is usually you both are ! Obviously if he isn’t trying his best or it goes beyond a bit of a moan about how tired he is and how hard he is finding things then that is different - only you can know if this goes beyond someone just finding it hard and he is actually a bastard. We don’t know him so I think it isn’t fair for people to say he is a prick based on the information you have provided.

Barnybrown · 16/08/2022 09:08

One last thought - can you afford a cleaner? If so, get someone in to do a deep clean for you and then a regular weekly clean to help you keep on top of it and take some pressure off both of you

FlySwimmer · 16/08/2022 09:08

What did he do while you were in hospital? I imagine he had to cope somehow with your DS and keeping everyone fed and clean? So he can step up, he just doesn’t want to now that you’re back. Pneumonia is horrible and can take a long time to recover fully from, so you need to rest as much as you can. Your husband needs to step up and further, needs to stop complaining about it. You’re supposed to be a team and that’s what this means, sometimes one member has to pull a bit harder for a moment.

BringMeTea · 16/08/2022 09:12

Oh I am so sorry OP. What a horrible man. Long term he does not sound like a keeper, in the short term agree get a cleaner organized. Then have a long hard think about your future.

Herejustforthisone · 16/08/2022 09:30

Wow. He’s an appalling cunt.

Flip