AIBU to tell you about my childhood

[CheddarCheese9]

I recently posted about how I was worried I was scared of sex/intimacy and that it wasn’t normal by my age. Everyone was really supportive and reassured me that’s normal and others have been similar. In the post, I also mentioned how whilst I did have sexual feelings towards guys (I’m not asexual or anything like that) I had always focussed on my career and put boyfriends and relationships to the side, and that I had a difficult childhood. Some people were asking if my childhood was possibly linked to my fear of intimacy and I’ve thought about it and it definitely is.

I’ve made a new post because I don’t want to link it to my original post as I gave details like my age which I don’t want to be too identifying (if you recognise my original post that’s fine but please don’t link it)

My childhood was mixed. Some parts of it were amazing and others weren’t.

When I was growing up, I was never abused or hurt, but me and my mother were best friends, and she was quite forward about things like sexual behaviour, so I copied her and was encouraged in a way because she thought it was a laugh I was copying her and we were best friends. Just things like shaking my butt, posing and dancing in sexual ways and dancing round poles like they do in clubs (I have no idea where I learned it from but I somehow knew it) my mother just thought it was a laugh because I was a clueless kid doing adult stuff.

I remember once pretending to do a strip dance and take my top off. I guess I saw it in a movie and my mother thought it was so funny, so she got me to show her friends and it was like a party trick. I was really young, like junior school age, but I didn’t know what I was doing other than everyone found it hilarious and I had to wiggle my hips and take off my top.

I didn’t know that the things I was doing was sexual (I didn’t even know what that was) but I just thought it was silly, like sticking out your tongue or doing a funny dance that made people like you, so I kept doing it.

another time I was at her friends party with her and posing for a photo by holding 2 balloons to my chest as if I had massive balloon boobs and her friend putting one of the balloons in his mouth while I did this. They were all drunk and it was just seen as being funny but I feel sick thinking back to how sexual it was and how disgusting I was.

another time she got a giant penis lollypop as a present and I joked and posed with it in my mouth as if i was doing a sexual act. I was old enough to know what i was joking about doing and she didn’t encourage me but by then I knew she found all these things good banter so I wanted to be funny and make her laugh (I was probably around 9) but like all kids I thought words like sex and blowjobs were hilarious so I thought it was all a big joke. I feel disgusted at me for doing this but she thought it was the funniest thing ever and sent photos to her mates- captions like OMG my child is exactly like her mother- loves a BBC ;) (she then had to explain to me what that meant and I didn’t really understand but hey she thought I was funny so i was happy)

I remember her telling me I absolutely had to shave down below because I was hairy and disgusting and men hate that (I had asked her for advice because I had just started puberty). She was visibly disgusted when I asked for advice about what I should do to deal with it, then she joked with all her mates about how I had a hairy vagina and she was like Urgh get that dealt with! Cue hilarity from her mates about how clueless I was

Other things were things like finding sexual objects in the house (I wasn’t searching through stuff, they were just there) and my mother thinking it was hilarious that I was holding a dildo absolutely clueless about what it was and my mother telling me about all her relationship drama. I used to hear about who was having sex with who and having an affair with who.

I know when some people are sexualised too young they become hyper sexualised but I was the opposite. I never discussed sexual things with my friends and I never mentioned what my mother was like around teachers or anyone else (I think that’s why nobody knew what was going on). Deep down I was embarrassed and as I grew up I was scared of having a boyfriend or loving someone and I was the latest out of my friends to even have their first kiss (I was basically an adult!)

My mother also frequently had to have terminations (absolutely no judgement about that, I’m completely pro choice) but I supported her through it because we were best friends, and she would get depressed afterwards and regret the termination and take it out on me. I know she wishes I was terminated rather than the others (she’s said it often enough) but I can’t help that I’m here (and I feel guilty saying this but I’m glad I’m the one who’s here!)

I think deep down I didn’t want to be like my mother so I blocked it all out. As soon as I became old enough to realise all the sexual stuff my mother was encouraging and that it was wrong, I blocked it out and stopped it all. She thought I was boring and a freak and she hated the person I became. I was obsessed with my future and what it would be like (I used to write in my little diary- age 16 get all my GCES, age 18 get all my A Levels, age 18 go to university and be the best astronaught ever, age 30 own a space station… you get the message!)I didn’t end up becoming an astronaut but I did become my other dream career and I absolutely love it.

now as an adult, I do still get sexual feelings about guys like my friends do and I go to clubs and I come across completely normal like my friends, but the idea of sleeping with someone seems so scary and official and I think I’m just scared of it and the consequences of it. That’s why I’ve avoided it. Maybe it’s my childhood or maybe it’s just me.

Despite all this I still love my mother, we don’t really speak anymore but I suppose nobody is perfect and she’s my mother so I’ll always love and protect her, but as an adult I can look back and recognise that a lot of stuff was wrong. I feel disgusting and really sick thinking back to how I used to act and I’ll probably never stop feeling like I’m disgusting

Sorry it’s so long, Not really sure what I’m hoping to gain by posting this, maybe just a bit of an explanation but it feels slightly better getting it all off my chest.

Oh gosh OP - this is so terribly sad and is absolutely the reason why you're scared of intimacy. I'm so sorry.

Your mother obviously has serious mental health issues and it's absolutely amazing, from what you've said, that you've ended up with what you say is your dream career.

It seems from your post that the main thing missing in an otherwise good life is a relationship. I think your mum's actions are unfortunately tantamount to sexual abuse and have made you feel ashamed and undeserving of actual love. Combined with her comments about how unwanted you are, no wonder there are issues there.

The things you did as a young person you did in complete innocence and all because you wanted your mum to love you more. It's her problem not yours. I hope if you can learn to separate these incidents from the real you, you will be able to eventually move on

Your mum seems to have made having a sexual relationship a big showy-offy public laughing thing, rather than something warm and intimate. So understandable that she's put you off it! All the best - try and find your own way xxx

You weren’t best friends, you were entrenched on a co-dependent relationship of your mothers making.

Some of what you wrote was quite positive. A mother with a very open attitude to sex and sexuality and an openness to talking about it with you could be a good thing. However, there are aspects that show a much darker side. The laughing with friends, the making you pose for pictures at a very young age. Making you support her through terminations and telling you that she wanted you terminated, are all very negative indeed.

It's no wonder that you have mixed feelings about intimacy, as this has been used against you. You really ought to seek some professional counselling to discuss what happened to you in detail and try to come to some conclusions about what impact it has had on you.

Take care.

You seem to be holding on to feelings of guilt and disgust about your past behaviour. As you started your post about struggling with intimacy I would think that you subconsciously fear that acting in a seductive/ sexual way in the future would make you extremely self conscious and worried that you were acting in an inappropriate way, be laughed at, mocked and humiliated as you were as a child.

The way you were acting was a direct consequence of the environment and adult interaction. It was nothing more than a child seeking acceptance and positive attention. That is what most children would do. Although you should never have been in that situation and been subjected to it I would say that you weren't sexual through intent or fascination only play acting like you would a doctor or a stay at home mum.

I would suggest counselling as you see a lot of the damage already but I think you need to stop seeing yourself as an embarrassing sexual child and see yourself as a child play acting the surroundings for love and attention.

Oh OP this is so sad to hear. You sound like an astonishing young woman, and very self-aware, but I think you haven't yet fully processed how very very bad your childhood was.

I know she wishes I was terminated rather than the others (she’s said it often enough)

The sexualising you is neglectful and abusive (without question) but this, for me, is what made me gasp and my heart pound. There is literally no circumstance or behaviour which could make me say that to my child. It's out and out, vicious, unforgivable (in my view) emotional abuse of the very worst kind. I'm so, so sorry you heard that even once, let alone multiple times.

Psychotherapy - not counselling, but proper psychotherapy, preferably psychodynamic or integrative - seems very expensive, but I promise you it will be worth it. You are worth it.

OP, you definitely need therapy.

Your mother’s behaviour went way beyond just inappropriate smutty banter. It was emotional abuse and sexualisation and she was exposing you to other adults who were encouraging it. Some of what you describe is just crap parenting but some of it is genuinely disturbing and is absolutely unequivocally abuse.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing. You were a child. Every last second of what happened to you was your mother’s fault, not yours.

I’m incredibly sorry that you went through this. It should never have happened. Please take care and please get some counselling if you can. Lots of love to you.

OP, I'm so sorry. Your mother was not your best friend. She was abusive.

Imagine any of this with the word 'father' instead of 'mother,' and how abusive she really was takes form.

I hope you can resolve some of these issues with a good counsellor. Take care

It's so brave of you to share these painful memories of your childhood. It sounds like your mother wasn't able to act as a parent and didn't put appropriate boundaries in place. Perhaps her own childhood was lacking in secure attachments.
From others laughing at your innocent behaviour your brain has linked sex with shame.
I agree that therapy will help you to process this and find ways of moving forwards.
Make sure you find an accredited therapist such as UKCP or BACP.

I feel disgusting and really sick thinking back to how I used to act and I’ll probably never stop feeling like I’m disgusting

Your mother was totally wrong, she humiliated you in front of her friends when her job was to nurture you and protect you and build up your self esteem. It’s probably not easy to see for yourself if you aren’t a mother, but any mother looking at this situation would know it’s your mother that should carry the shame of those actions not you. You absolutely weren’t disgusting and you have done nothing to be ashamed about.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour on your mums part- what on earth was she thinking of ? I am genuinely shocked as this is not normal from any parent. Seriously I would seek some therapy to help you come to terms with the abuse you have suffered.

This!

You so deserve it OP

Would have been helpful to include this with your other post, as people jumped on those saying you might want to consider therapy to get through your intimacy issues.

This post makes that point even clearer

Yeah you’re probably right.

I think I just didn’t want to go into too much depth about it and I was kind of in denial I guess.

Its confusing because I’ll always love my mum and defend her because she’s my mum, but at the same time I know that it wasn’t right the way things were.

in many other ways I had an extremely fortunate childhood and went on holidays, played sports, had supportive family who got me anything I wanted (from the outside I looked completely spoiled) so I feel guilty for feeling upset about the bad parts of my childhood because I feel ungrateful. It’s so confusing!

It's absolutely OK to love your Mother AND accept the knowledge that she was wrong to sexualize so much for you at such a young age.

Her humiliation of you over public hair was cruel, abusive and appalling, and she was 100% wrong about it being disgusting.

It sounds like she had some issues sexually herself, as her attitude towards it and her treatment of you is messed up.

Please arrange some professional counselling and talk this all out.

I'd have been totally put off sexual relationships if I'd had your Mother too.

You did nothing wrong, at all . Nothing to be ashamed of .

I don’t know if all areas offer this, but I had (sort of) similar
experiences in childhood; I witnessed sexual violence and my

parents were extraordinarily open about their sex lives . Major
mental health issues on my mother’s part at least . I was told about eg masturbation (theirs) and pornography use and stuff and like you, I can’t cope with the idea of a sexual relationship . The thought of letting someone be close to me like that leaves me cold . I absolutely crave mothering/‘nurturing’ though which is also exceptionally challenging in its own way .

I hold a lot of guilt, shame and fear and very difficult feelings . I’ve been referred through my local sexual health clinic for highly specialist counselling - it’s a very, very long waiting list but they’re hugely supportive, I’ve got access to a support worker meantime for one off chats as needed and access to highly specialist care for smears, maternity care etc .
I don’t know if something like that would help you? My GP had to do the referral in the first instance to see a consultant (sexual problems service) and then the consultant offered me the further referral . I’ve been given the phone number for rape crisis meantime and also passed onto a third sector group that works with children/adults who were abused in childhood .

I don’t know if that might help? I’ve had therapy on and off since age 16 but absolutely couldn’t talk to anyone about the sexual stuff, but sexual health clinic are so used to it that it’s a little bit easier to be open with them .

Yes I said similar to consultant:

‘But we had clean clothes, nice dinners and we went to the cinema’, her answer was that didn’t excuse the other stuff . She said this type of abuse and neglect tends to be the most insidious, because it’s not really seen by others - it’s not like you’re coming to school in dirty clothes or skinny or obviously needing a bath, it can carry on for a long time unnoticed .

This is really interesting @rossisbatman (and I'm really sorry to hear about what you were exposed to - my own father was also hypersexual and it's had a big impact on me). Do you know what the service or the specific therapy is actually called?

🌸 I’m sorry you’ve experienced this too .

The first referral was for psychosexual therapy (which I’m still going to have, but it’s for a limit of 3 appointments with consultant and more ‘medical’ … they said they work from diagnosis of eg vaginismus, difficulty with achieving orgasm etc.

Second referral was to sexual health counselling services - I don’t know if all clinics do this, I’m in a huge city so I don’t know if it’s more likely in a big city … they’ve done an assessment and said want me to have EMDR therapy which they can provide . Massive wait though as that clinic also does rape support, gender identity, risk taking behaviours etc . She said something about ‘deep brain reorientation’ which I can’t find much about on google but I think it’s just a fancy word for EMDR type stuff .

Third referral was to charity - they seem to cover whole of Scotland and do trauma based therapy but not sexual abuses specific . Can PM their details if you’re Scotland based? I was able to self refer, their waiting list is about 6 times shorter than the NHS!!

Specialist help for smears etc is through ‘my body back’ .

@CheddarCheese9

It's good that you've started to realise your mothers part in all this and are seeing it objectively

It just means 90% of the responses on your last post aren't really valid.

OP, I understand that you love your mother, but what you're describing is abuse. Certain things are particularly disturbing, particularly the fact that your mother encouraged you to behave in a sexualised way around her friends and that her friends were enthusiastic participants. I genuinely think some of the things you've mentioned here would put your mother on the wrong side of the law, particularly encouraging you to take your top off in a striptease and sending her friends pictures of you sucking a penis-shaped lollipop etc. Those are things that would, and should, probably get someone's laptop taken away for investigation.

It is incredibly disturbing that a whole group of adults would witness this kind of thing and that not one of them raised any concern about it, and it really, really makes me worry about your mother's social circle and the kind of thing they were into.

You have done nothing wrong here. You are living with a shame that is absolutely unwarranted. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

Would echo what PPs have said and definitely suggest therapy from someone who specialises in this area. Judging from this post, it's clear that you really need an outlet to talk about what happened, and doing that with a professional counsellor or therapist will be the safest way to do that. Some of the advice and opinions you might get on a forum like this might be well-meaning but it might not always be good or useful, and someone who is qualified to help with this kind of thing would be the safest bet, particularly if you find the conversation triggers other difficult memories that you haven't shared here.

@rossisbatman Thanks, that's really helpful. Not in Scotland unfortunately but I'm really glad you are able to access all that, even if it takes an age.