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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Timing of rest

25 replies

Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 19:49

I'm posting as I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable. Very happy to be told I am! I don't even know how to articulate the issue as I'm so tired. I have a feeling I'm going to mess this up but here goes.

We have 3 kids, one is a breastfed baby. They are all pretty young.

DH is a good husband and father, involved, pulls his weight, good provider, capable etc. However I'm with the kids more, take on the mental load more and am breastfeeding one of them. I have a high tolerance so don't need rest or time away from the kids too often (as often as him anyway).

However, anytime my husband takes all the kids and let's me go for a rest, he expects to immediately go off duty as soon as my rest is finished. So, if he takes the kids so I can get a lie in, he immediately goes back to bed.when I get up. If I go out by myself for an hour or two, he immediately goes off for an hour or two when I get home.

This is the issue: my husband has a very active social life and hobbies which I'm happy to support. If he isn't going out, he likes to stay up and watch a movie with a few beers while I go to bed. He needs to blow off steam every so often and that's the way he is. I'm not like that but he needs to go off duty every so often for his mental health. That's generally fine by me.

Quite frequently he meets friends for a quick drink, plays a sport, goes to concerts with his mates etc. Not all the time but he is a very sociable man.

Unlike him, I don't drink so a lot of his evenings out don't appeal to me and I enjoy having a a few hours to myself in the evenings when he goes out and the kids are in bed.

However, his social life means that he is frequently a bit hungover tired. Even if it's just one night at the weekend it has a knock on effect. He can function quite well the next day but it takes him days to get over the tiredness.

So, he is often low-level tired from our family+ his lifetsyle. I am often tired because I do more of the parenting by default. I don't need to rest as much as him, but when he does give me a rest, it exhausts him so much that he needs to go straight into rest mode himself.

If he takes the kids out for a few hours so I can lie down, he then goes out by himself as soon as he gets back with them. For me, I feel like my rest is then undone as I'm straight back to square one, managing all the kids alone while he rests from letting me rest! The modicum of strength that I regain from my rest is undone.

I feel like I would prefer this:
I have my rest and he stays around to coparent when I get up/come back and he has his rest later on.

I really don't know if I am being v unreasonable. I just know that when I do need some time away from the kids, I'm almost dreading when I get up or he comes home with them as I know I will be straight back into it. I'm lying down now and known when I get up, he will disappear for a sleep and I feel so drained and exhausted even thinking about it!

I hope I've worded that correctly and I make sense. I'm prob being unreasonable but something feels off about this scenario and I don't know what!

OP posts:
Skiingwithgin · 15/08/2022 20:17

What’s he said when you’ve spoken to him about this?
does he co parent at other times, ie when neither of you have just had a rest?

Topgub · 15/08/2022 20:22

Have you told him how you feel?

You could say that of he wants to play tot for tat then every minute he has off you have to get the same.

Every night out etc he has to pay back.

Its a bit ridiculous though.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:24

I haven't said anything as it seems ridiculous when I think about it. I wanted to see what others thought before I mentioned it to him as I feel like I am being unreasonable, but I just can't shake the feeling that the situation is unfair. I can't figure out why and wanted to sound that out first.

When we are both very tired we do both coparent, but he tends to crack first. I can kind of hang on and get through it more easily than him but I still have my limit. Basically he needs rest more than me, but his increased need for rest impedes on mine when I do get it. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
Topgub · 15/08/2022 20:26

Well when you get up and he says I'm going to bed say no.

curlii103 · 15/08/2022 20:26

Yanbu! My oh is exactly the same. No constructive advice however.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:28

I should have added that when he rests or goes out first, he generally always asks if I want to go and chill out when he is finished. Normally I'm OK and am happy to carry on.

Oh this is all very silly! Sorry everyone!

This is actually very helpful in talking it through!

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 15/08/2022 20:29

He needs to take his need for extra rest into his 'time off allowance' which might less socialising/hobbies etc but it's only fair..
I have a need for more rest sometimes so I spend my 'time off' getting that, it's annoying sometimes but it's only fair..

Rowen32 · 15/08/2022 20:29

That should say 'might mean less'

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:29

Topgub · 15/08/2022 20:26

Well when you get up and he says I'm going to bed say no.

Problem is then I have a big miserable drippy useless husband, bringing down the entire mood and that's even worse than me being tired.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 15/08/2022 20:30

So he's burning the candle at both ends and you are picking up the slack?

CanofCant · 15/08/2022 20:31

Do you every get any time together without the kids?

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:35

Rowen32 · 15/08/2022 20:29

He needs to take his need for extra rest into his 'time off allowance' which might less socialising/hobbies etc but it's only fair..
I have a need for more rest sometimes so I spend my 'time off' getting that, it's annoying sometimes but it's only fair..

Before I had the recent baby, I always went to bed early (9ish) just to ensure I always have enough energy for the kids the next day.

He hates the thought of that and finds if depressing as he needs 'unwinding time' which I understand fully. But for me, sleep and recharging is more important in the long run. Early nights really depress him.

We were both wild when we met 15 years ago 😉 I'm a homebird teetotaller now but he still has a touch of that wild streak in there somewhere.

I feel bad criticising him when he really is a great dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:36

CanofCant · 15/08/2022 20:30

So he's burning the candle at both ends and you are picking up the slack?

Not as frequently as my post maybe suggests, and not to a life altering degree, but yes, in essence.

OP posts:
Topgub · 15/08/2022 20:37

@Sepiarose

Why are you pandering to this though?

Let him be drippy and if he offers to give you a break always say yes

Why be a martyr?

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:38

CanofCant · 15/08/2022 20:31

Do you every get any time together without the kids?

No. We have no family support and I'm breastfeeding the baby.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/08/2022 20:43

You're completely rational and reasonable with the way you're feeling. It shouldn't be a case of one or the other of you has the children. He should have them so you can rest or socialise or whatever, you should have them so he can rest or socialise or whatever. The rest of the time the kids/house etc should be a team effort.

bbqhulahoop · 15/08/2022 20:43

My DP is similar OP. It irritates me too. ❤️

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:44

Topgub · 15/08/2022 20:37

@Sepiarose

Why are you pandering to this though?

Let him be drippy and if he offers to give you a break always say yes

Why be a martyr?

Well first I wanted to see if this really was an issue of pandering. I'm a very easy going person generally and do try to ease the load in the lives of others where I can. It's definitely not a martyrdom issue as I can also be very direct when I feel sure that something is overstepping the mark. I like to be sure that something is indeed overstepping the mark before addressing it.

We try to play to our strengths in our marriage and he takes on the majority of other menial tasks in our day to day life so he definitely isn't a deadbeat. He had surgery a while ago and I really got an insight into how much he does when I had to run the house totally alone.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 15/08/2022 20:52

If you wanted to spend a night in together watching a film, having a nice meal (albeit with a breastfeeding baby) would he be up for that or would he be pacing about and keen to go out?

I don't think YABU, this would get on my nerves and I'd become resentful.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 20:58

CanofCant · 15/08/2022 20:52

If you wanted to spend a night in together watching a film, having a nice meal (albeit with a breastfeeding baby) would he be up for that or would he be pacing about and keen to go out?

I don't think YABU, this would get on my nerves and I'd become resentful.

No he would be fine with that. We often try and can never find anything to watch though 😫 He doesn't pace the floor, chomping at the bit to get out (my dad was like that :-D He likes quiet evenings in too. It's just the overall theme.

OP posts:
Findahouse21 · 15/08/2022 21:06

I may have misinterpreted this completely, but it sounds like you both need quite a lot of "rest'. I wonder if you would both be more content long term if you both parent together in the evenings and weekends and then sleep overnight (as much as baby will allow) because it seems that solo parenting in shifts is what might be knackering you both out? Potentially with alternating lay ins at the weekend til 9ish?

I have 2 dc but neither dh or I rest during the day - I'm not trying to be goady but it just isn't part of our routine.

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 21:40

Findahouse21 · 15/08/2022 21:06

I may have misinterpreted this completely, but it sounds like you both need quite a lot of "rest'. I wonder if you would both be more content long term if you both parent together in the evenings and weekends and then sleep overnight (as much as baby will allow) because it seems that solo parenting in shifts is what might be knackering you both out? Potentially with alternating lay ins at the weekend til 9ish?

I have 2 dc but neither dh or I rest during the day - I'm not trying to be goady but it just isn't part of our routine.

Yes yes and yes! You hit the nail on the head.
I work well with getting a good night's sleep (pre baby). DH doesn't get the same amount of quality sleep that I tend to get (against, excluding baby) which tends to put pressure on me as his exhaustion comes to the fore more readily than mine. However, this has a knock on effect that makes me tired too! I think that the underlying sense of something being off is due to this: my way is sensible, healthy and works. His way is a bit all over the place and I got dragged into it!

I do like a lie in at the weekend though but wish it didnt feel so transactional.

I've been in bed chilling out for a few hours as I've been so exhausted for the past few days that I could barely get a sentence out earlier. He was at a party a few nights ago and it takes me days to recover from his recovery, even though he is generally OK once he gets up.

OP posts:
PinkPencilCase · 15/08/2022 22:10

I totally get what you're saying and I think it's unfortunately part of parenting young kids. We used to take turns to have a nap or whatever and it was always crap to have to go straight back to solo parent mode afterwards. I used to find myself mentally trading off how much rest I would like versus how much time I was willing to be on my own for my turn! In my case it felt quite even how tired we both were and we naturally wanted to be fair to each other, but transactional is exactly the right word for it!
We also took turns having a weekend lie in and I made sure my day was Sunday so I could get the 'payment' out of the way first, on Saturday.
I only have one child and he's 6 now and I do often find myself thinking back to those days and being so grateful it's not like that any more. Hang in there!

Original poster
Sepiarose · 15/08/2022 22:18

PinkPencilCase · 15/08/2022 22:10

I totally get what you're saying and I think it's unfortunately part of parenting young kids. We used to take turns to have a nap or whatever and it was always crap to have to go straight back to solo parent mode afterwards. I used to find myself mentally trading off how much rest I would like versus how much time I was willing to be on my own for my turn! In my case it felt quite even how tired we both were and we naturally wanted to be fair to each other, but transactional is exactly the right word for it!
We also took turns having a weekend lie in and I made sure my day was Sunday so I could get the 'payment' out of the way first, on Saturday.
I only have one child and he's 6 now and I do often find myself thinking back to those days and being so grateful it's not like that any more. Hang in there!

And yes yes yes to this! You get it!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sepiarose · 16/08/2022 08:34

My husband was really adamant I got time on my own last night. Kept checking to see if I had managed to get to sleep. Then he reminded me that he is doing one of his hobbies tomorrow ('but will be back by bedtime'). I knew about it already but had forgotten. I felt really cynical and said 'oh I wondered why you were so keen on me to get rest'.

He has been a but funny with me ever since.

OP posts:
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