To refer to MIL as "estranged"?

[nervousnelly8]

DH and his mother have not spoken for 7 months. She got cross with him over something trivial and has refused to speak to him since. They have had falling outs like this throughout our time together (and all of DH's adult life). It is a very negative relationship. He is always the one to apologise regardless of fault but for whatever reason, does not want to this time.

Today, I was asked about MIL and I said she and DH were estranged. DH heard and flinched a bit and said on the way home that that's not the word he would have used. I apologised and asked what he would have wanted me to say and he didn't know.

He's now a little grumpy, I think more about the idea that he's not spoken to his mum in so long rather than with me. WIBU to refer to this situation as estrangement?

I think the English language provides ample opportunity to disguise what we mean, and it was perhaps a private relationship trouble that your dh didn't want particularly to be shared in that way.

Estranged is a perfectly fine word to use in the circumstance, but it might be something that dh would have not drawn attention too - so skirting around and saying we haven't spoken in a while might have been easier for him.

Today, I was asked about MIL and I said she and DH were estranged. DH heard and flinched a bit

Who asked you? Perhaps DH didn’t want his personal relationship dynamics shared like that.

I wouldn’t have called seven months of not speaking as estrangement. I also would not have answered whatever the question as indelicately as that and I would have avoided mentioning their problems altogether.

YANBU

Key here is he has no idea what he would have said in your place or wanted you to say so what else were you to do!

No one likes to think their relationship with parent is dysfunctional or have someone else say it.

YANBU, the relationship doesn't sound very healthy and its obviously affecting him. Would he consider counselling?

I've voted YABU but it's difficult to say without knowing the context and the audience. "We haven't seen her recently" would have been more tactful. I think you need to be a bit more sensitive to his feelings on this subject as it's clearly difficult.

Would he consider counselling / therapy to deal with the issues?

I think it depends on who you were speaking to.

On the rare occasion that someone asks me how my mum is, I usually say that she was fine last time I spoke to her. I don't mention that it was actually several years ago. It's usually someone being polite or making conversation and I don't want to make them feel awkward or uncomfortable.

If it was a good friend and someone who knows the history, they would get a more honest answer because that's what they would be expecting.

The exact context of the conversation is outing, but it was in response to a question that required a factual answer, not a friend asking a personal question. E.g. financial advisor / accountant / lawyer.

I don’t think it’s something you should tell others. It’s deeply personal and people tend to want to offer advice to “fix” the relationship. Like a PP said just say you haven’t seen her lately for various reasons.

I’m estranged from my parents. It’s one of those it’s ok for me to say but I’d be upset about someone else saying it. As others have said, it’s my business to share or not share.

A lot of people judge me for not having a good relationship with my parents so it isn’t something I’d talk about unless we were good friends.

Who was the person you said it to? If it’s was someone who knows MIL or has mutual friends YABVVVU as you’ve possibly stirred up for problems for him.

Even if not, YABU for wanting to use a word he isn’t ready to use yet.

@Thelnebriati @that1970shouse I think he would definitely benefit from counselling but he has never expressed that interest or desire and I do try to stay out of it as much as I can. I think MIL blames me a lot despite it having been a dysfunctional relationship since long before I arrived on the scene.

Ah ok, yes I can see that’s trickier. If he was there could he not have answered himself?

@Inlawdramas he was in conversation with someone else as the question related to my assets. I had just referred to my FIL.

I think this changes it a lot. I was ready to say maybe there was a more tactful way of saying it ‘they’re not close’ or ‘they don’t speak much’, it’s a bit different if it was a professional asking a question - rather than say a friend. So I don’t think YABU.

Technically it’s factual …. Or certainly realistic, notwithstanding a debate about whether you’ve just not spoken in a while versus when “estrangement” kicks in.
But given its an emotional topic, I can see why DH might have objected, if it’s a pattern of events that has in the past righted itself eventually.

If duration of not speaking / estrangement matters to the professional, then you’ll be asked to clarify no doubt.
If it doesn’t, then it’s just down to whether & what you & DH say.

I wouldn’t have said that without my dh having used it himself and I know my dh would never discuss my relationship with my parents like that either. I think yabu sorry, not intentionally perhaps but I can see why he was uncomfortable.

I doubt that a visit to an accountant / lawyer would be outing, but seeing as he was there, I would have left him to answer the question.

Erm estranged does sound a bit extreme. But then I can see how “they’re not talking at the moment” sounds a bit childish.

I think estranged would usually be after a longer time, particularly as they have a history of not speaking and then making up.

@Aprilx since you have no way of knowing whether me giving further detail around the context of the conversation would be outing or not, perhaps just take my word for it? It was a question to be answered by me in relation to my own assets, it was not addressed to DH.

It's a pretty final term to use and might have jarred him if he hasn't mentally decided he is done with the relationship.

I'd use estranged if either a) it had been years or b) it was a deliberate decision I'd made. Just not speaking to someone for 7m, especially if there's a pattern of that and then reuniting, isn't really what 'estranged' is imo.

7 months is probably a bit soon to say estrangement. Also it's one of those terms newspapers use but sounds a bit jarring when said by a normal person.

I would not have felt the need to explain to anyone, it's not really peoples business. X