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AIBU?

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Original poster

Proof of further education for CMS?

14 replies

spaniellove · 14/08/2022 21:05

My husband has a nearly 17year old DD with ex wife. Very acrimonious split which has continued to this day on her part. Split 13 years ago, we have been together for 12 years. ExW refused husband all contact unless her demands were met, for eg more cms, money for her car etc. We have spent a lot of time and money getting contact sorted through the court only for her to ignore. Anyway, Dsd is now older and unfortunately believes what her mother has told her, we have never spoken bad of her mother and just wanted a relationship. She was 'homeschooled' but wasn't, ifswim and believes she will not pass any exams, IF she has sat them.
She has a part time job with training (YTS like) already set up so CMS should stop from next month but it appears that her mother now wants her to do some college course so that payments can continue. Payments are high and when CMS does stop we will continue sending Dsd money directly to help her which we would rather as her mum has a very expensive hobby that alot of money is spent on.
My question is how can we be assured that Dsd has enrolled in college and is actually attending? Do CMS actually double check or just take their word for it? I love Dsd and this isn't about paying the CMS, it's about being able to stop payments and pay directly to her so we know she is getting it for herself.
Dsd is very cagey as her mum has told her not to discuss with us. Mum relies on CMS money to continue her lifestyle, as told to us by Dsd. I'm not bashing the Ex, just wanting CMS sorted fairly.

OP posts:
Somethingyesterday · 14/08/2022 22:17

I'm not bashing the Ex

Well, yes - you are. Really quite vigorously! Presumably if she hadn’t been a single parent for 13 years she might have greater resources of her own to pay for any hobby?

I’m a bit confused by your wish to transfer all payments to your husband’s daughter. Does she not still live with her mother? I mean, the daughter’s part time job is unlikely to cover all she costs in food and bills and etceteras. And isn’t she supposed to be in education, employment or training until she’s 18?

If, as you suggest, her education has been somewhat lacking up to this point, it’s surely all the more important that she pursues some sort of educational course now - otherwise she’s likely to struggle going forward.

If she isn’t attending a course, but just working part time and living at home, she still constitutes a huge expense for her mother. It may be that, if you divert the money to the daughter she will ensure that some goes on household bills, and food, as well as transport and clothes and socialising - but who’s to say?

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 14/08/2022 22:19

You are bashing the ex and it's for her Father to sort out maintenance payments, not you.

Workyticket · 14/08/2022 22:23

To answer your question - the college I work at has Etrackr which parents and students can log into

It shows attendance and the course studied.

Sunnyqueen · 14/08/2022 22:25

Well you definitely are bashing the ex. But anyway if she's not had much education then surely going to college is a good thing? And if she's still living at home then your husband should continue paying maintenance to her mother not to dsd. CMS is an amount they have agreed as fair based on the circumstances so no you are not funding her lifestyle. As long as dsd has everything she needs, secure housing, food, clothes etc then whatever else she spends her money on is her business.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 14/08/2022 22:28

You don’t pay CM, her father does.

It’s quite reasonable for the parent who is housing her to receive it while she is in education/training anyway.

Probably best to keep your beak out.

ArnoldBee · 14/08/2022 22:30

It sounds like you think you've been shafted over the years. Does it really matter if you get shafted for another couple of years?

Workyticket · 14/08/2022 22:38

@HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd if they have joint finances she's paying too!

Original poster
spaniellove · 14/08/2022 22:50

My husband and I BOTH pay the cms as its joint family income. The question was not whether you agree with me, but if CMS check if they are actually studying. We have had social services involvement because of the way she has been bought up and can 100% say through them and Dsd that cms doesn't go on her. The bills do not get paid, they get evicted etc. I have no problem my husband paying cms, she's his daughter. The fact of the matter is the ex is not a nice person and has used her daughter to get at DP. Both have been affected by this.

OP posts:
Junobug · 14/08/2022 22:53

Home education doesn't look like school in any way so I should imagine in your eyes, it may look like she isn't being educated but that most probably isn't true. I would have thought in 13 years you would have looked in to this to see how you can support it. When you home educate post 16, you just verbally tell CM and child benefit the level of education that they are receiving, at home or part time college and they verbally take word of that. If she is still in education (at home or at college and whether or not she has chosen to take formal qualifications) your dh should be paying his ex wife CM.

Original poster
spaniellove · 14/08/2022 22:54

Dsd has no interest in studying,she wants to earn money. Her.mum wants her to do a college course she's not interested in so the cms payments can continue, thats the gist of what's been said. She is welcome to live with us, always has been. Have always supported her when her mother allowed. I dont need to be told to keep my beak out because this concerns me too. My husband and I are both wanting to know this, its not just a nasty stepmum wanting not to pay, I want the best for her.

OP posts:
Somethingyesterday · 14/08/2022 23:03

But how could any of the adults around her want this child to cease all education at 16? It’s 2022 - what sort of job / career can she look forward to with no qualifications or skills? Even young people who possess some exceptional talent are encouraged to stay in education as long as possible, so they’re in the best position to manage their adult lives.

Coachwork · 14/08/2022 23:05

Did DH ever try to get custody? If no then he either thought her parenting was fine or is as bad as her. You have no right to bash her, as much as you say you're not; you clearly dislike her.

Starseeking · 14/08/2022 23:17

If your DH's child maintenance was determined by the CMS there is not a cat in hells chance that he is paying so much that it can entirely fund his DC's upkeep and his ex's expensive tastes, unless he is an extremely high earner, in which case his DD should absolutely be supported by that money.

Laylablack80 · 12/06/2025 22:30

Sunnyqueen · 14/08/2022 22:25

Well you definitely are bashing the ex. But anyway if she's not had much education then surely going to college is a good thing? And if she's still living at home then your husband should continue paying maintenance to her mother not to dsd. CMS is an amount they have agreed as fair based on the circumstances so no you are not funding her lifestyle. As long as dsd has everything she needs, secure housing, food, clothes etc then whatever else she spends her money on is her business.

If you have been unlucky enough to have an ex like this then you would understand that they rarely spend the money on their child and create problems between the whole family. I totally get why this woman would wish it to stop. We are in a similare position, unfortunately parents like this never give up causing misery. So sometimes ex bashing is perfectly acceptable.

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