To think that there isn't always a 'leader' in a relationship?

[GoldenSpiral]

I was enjoying a good debate with a friend that believes that there is always a dominant partner in a relationship. Their argument was based on the idea that society is based on hierarchies and that human beings require leaders to function. While I agree that hierarchies are important for society to function, I don't believe that all relationships are set up this way.

I feel that I work as a team with my partner and that all of the important life decisions are jointly agreed. I can't imagine being in a relationship that involved being a leader or a follower. I wouldn't respect a follower and I would feel disrespected by having my opinions overruled by my partner is they were a leader. AIBU?

I think people lead and follow on certain issues. I don’t know of any couples that one always dominates.

I think you and your friend oversimplify the nature of relationships.

Depending on skills/expertise etc DH and I might "lead" some aspects of our lives but not others.

Mostly the balance is roughly equal, but through the years I'd say one or the other has at times been the more "dominant" partner.

The thing is, it didn't matter as the reason we are a team is we both make decisions in our families best interests, discuss those decisions and take on board input proactively.

@winterlilies To clarify, I wouldn't respect a follower in my own relationship. I would have full respect for a follower as a friend or colleague. If a friend chose to be a follower in their own relationship then so be it! That's up to them. I mean, you might still consider that harsh but it's how I feel.

@dmask I definitely agree that sometimes one partner may have more knowledge and therefore more steer on certain decisions in a relationship. I just can't imagine many relationships where is would be entirely one-sided but I'm willing to be proven wrong!

@GoldenSpiral

No neither can I, I’ve never experienced it myself or seen it in any of my friend’s relationships.

It's all about self esteem and how much the person with lower self esteem feels they need to people please the other to be accepted. Not usually seen in relationships where people have decent self-esteem. It's sad really but happens. I think I have this dynamic slightly with my husband where he defaults in letting me make a lot of the decisions (but i don't accept this!). Doesn't make me lack respect for him, he's a wonderful dad husband and friend :) life experiences that put him in that situation aren't his fault

Does your partner think there is a dominant one in your relationship? Have you ever asked? - is it possible they are a follower and you've never noticed?

@Blev2022 Yes, unfortunately I think you're right regarding self-esteem.

@BoredWithLife I just asked and he feels the same as me, that we both play to our strengths but play an equal role in decision-making.

I am the 'leader' in all my relationships (friendships, family and DH) so I suppose for me it's true.

My DH is often the leader on things because I either don't care or can't be bothered. He's a planner and a leader, I'm a lazy person, part of the reason I can see myself with him forever is that his personality and values means his decisions never bother me.