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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dreams after Dads death

9 replies

Run31 · 14/08/2022 16:10

Hi everyone!

Firstly, I apologise for posting in here as I know it is not an Aibu but the bereavement posts don't get alot of responses at times and I am looking for people who have had similar experiences and what helped.

My Dad passed away 2 weeks ago after a long illness. It really was a long, slow, painful death. However, his deterioration was rapid. We were told he had up to a few months and he died within 2 weeks The deterioration in him was scary.

As a family we nursed him and comforted him.

In the hours before he died, I sat with him, nursed him and planned to fall asleep next to him. I couldn't sleep so I went to another room around 4am to try sleep. (I dont live there, was staying over) Without giving to much detail I was there when he was found in the morning. I was devasted that I had left him, although thankful at same time that I didn't awake to him dead next to me.

It has been devastating and 2 weeks have passed and we still have not been able to see him in Chapel of rest nor have the funeral although this is all happening with the next week. (Delays where I live)

I am finding that I am having the most awful, disturbing dreams all about death and dying. Sometimes it me people are trying to kill, sometimes it's people being killed in front of me. I am wakening up most nights, shaking my partner awake asking him if my Dad is sleeping or dead. I am still half sleeping when doing this but I remember it in the morning. This is happening most nights. Has anyone had experience with this? When do these awful dreams stop? Is there anything that helped?

So as not to drip feed, I do have a previous history of nightmares/night terrors which subsided around 2 years ago.

I'm getting to the point where I don't want to sleep/dreading sleeping because the dreams are so disturbing.

Anyone else with experience of these types of dreams after a death? Are these dreams normal after a death? Is there a way to make them stop?

OP posts:
AceSpades54321 · 14/08/2022 16:14

It’s normal. Your brain is trying to process and understand it. Try talking about it with someone you can break down and cry with, if no-one close there are specialist bereavement counsellors that can help you. Cruse are fantastic and free.

harriethoyle · 14/08/2022 16:15

@Run31 I experienced something very similar after my Mum's death, who I also nursed to the end. It's terrifying but I honestly just think it's part of the grieving process. I can reassure you that they lessen but do talk to your GP if you're struggling. I got short term sleeping pills which really helped. Best of luck xx

DiscoStusMoonboots · 14/08/2022 16:16

Sorry for your loss, OP. My dad died last April after a battle with long Covid, and my experience with horrible dreams was very similar to your own. I found the worst of them came in the limbo period between his death and the funeral. I won't go into details, but they were dreadful and I would often wake up in floods of tears and struggle the next day. The worst were over after the funeral, but I still had a few upsetting ones beyond this point - but they were nowhere near as vivid or unsettling.

I'm over the year mark now, and have only had a couple of dad dreams since the anniversary - but they've all been quite comforting, mundane scenarios that I've quite liked reflecting on.

Hope you have lots of support and love around you at this difficult time. Things will get better.

beelover · 14/08/2022 16:26

I am so sorry for your loss 💐
I experienced a lot of dreams where I was always trying to get away from someone or some sort of situation. I would wake myself up really panicking. I think it was my brain just trying to come to terms with the loss of my Dad. When he died he was very old and it was expected but still a huge shock. One year on and I dream of him regularly but now the dreams are always good ones.

Run31 · 14/08/2022 20:36

Thank you. It is good to hear of others that have had this experience and that these awful dreams will subside in time.

OP posts:
Ticksallboxes · 14/08/2022 22:11

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP - it must be awful when you need your strength to deal with the grief as well as dealing with the funeral.

My mum died six weeks ago - she was very elderly and slipped peacefully away, but nothing can prepare you for the loss.

What really helped me was visiting her grave soon after the funeral and just chatting about my week to her. I felt a real sense of calm afterwards and was much less anxious, and I feel it's held since, apart from the inevitable wobble that can get triggered.

Sending you a big virtual hug Flowers

megletthesecond · 14/08/2022 22:54

Sorry to hear about your dad Flowers.

I had nightmares and a couple of night terrors just after my dad died. It must be the brain processing emotions and stress levels.

somedogsdo · 14/08/2022 23:03

Sorry for your loss. I experienced something similar when my Dad died. I was inexplicably unable to sleep without the light on for a good few weeks. I also couldn't look at any photos of him for a long long time. I think grief comes out in odd ways. He still appears in my dreams regularly- but now it's in a nice comforting/reconnecting type way.

CrazyJoPavlova · 15/08/2022 00:35

I am so sorry for your loss and the terrible experiences either side. I had intensely vivid and often upsetting dreams of my Dad after he passed. It felt so cruel and confusing. Eventually though, the dreams I had of him became peaceful, as if he was coming to visit me. I agree that they come from trying to process it all, when in reality it feels unfathomable to accept such a loss. Might sound crazy, but at one point, feeling absolutely exhausted by the push and pull of it all, I told my Dad that I couldn’t keep meeting him in my dreams if it was going to be so painful. Make of that what you will, but things did improve from that point. I sincerely hope your heart is held in peace and calm and healing, and that you can get some decent rest soon. Sending hugs ♥️

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