Was my mum an unreasonable parent?

[MrsNaginal]

Just a daft thing that I have told friends over the years who have said my mum definitely over reacted... but maybe I was a horrible child and this was the last straw?! Just asking out of pure curiosity!
When I was about 4/5 my mum and I visited a friend of hers. I was friends with her son. The singing kettle must have been on TV and I was adamant that it was a teapot, not a kettle. I was an argumentative child and my mum has a similar personality. I argued until I was blue in the face that it was a teapot, not a kettle. I remember being dragged out of friends house screaming and she drove us home. I remember alot of similar situations like this where she would argue with me (like argue with a 4 year.ild over the most inane stuf) now as an adult I always agree with her and i feel uneasy if anyone disagrees with her. It sounds funny and stupid telling g the story but I just could not imagine even entertaining such a stud argument with my 7 year old- i would just agree for peace sake! I have always felt like she doesnt like me. She loves me, I had everything I wanted as a child... but I dont think she likes me! Any thoughts??

Such a stupid argument with my 7 year old. sorry

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you have similar argumentative personalities. Just clashed. Weird to be arguing with a small child but with a stubborn person I can see how it can happen. It might not be the argument itself that meant she took you home but the fact she perceived this as you being rude to her, maybe? But yes, definitely not a battle most parents would pick!

Yeah, she definitely told me when I was being a brat and I deserved it! But when I tell people this story.. they cant believe she argued with me over it.. when I was like 4 lol... she is a difficult person but I can deal with her now as an adult.. but as a child/teen I just couldn't stand her.. she used to fall out with me over things I saw my friends joke about with their mums.. it was weird

I don't know how old you are but if you had electric kettles in the house it's entirely reasonable you thought it was a teapot. Your mums reaction was totally OTT. She could have agreed to disagree or at least agreed that it did look like a teapot.

Yesterday my dd thought the picture on her t shirt was of her best friend. Who was I to argue? I even told the friends we saw so as not to upset her. That's not to say I accept everything she says but something so harmless, why not?

Okay, yeah but, was it a teapot or a kettle?

I think the clue here is that as an adult, you are afraid of conflict with your mother. Dragging you out of the house as a child is not ok. Your mother does not sound at all like a good parent, from what you have said here

I’m an autistic, and I sympathise with your mum!
The singing kettle is obviously a kettle
a) by definition in the show’s title and
b) whoever heard of a singing teapot?
I would never be able to agree with an untruth - were I your mum, I would have had to insist it was a kettle, and wielded whatever arguments were required to convince 4 year old you of the truth!
You say your mum is “difficult”. I wonder if she is actually an undiagnosed autistic too, and unable to accept an obvious falsehood, rather than just stubborn?

Sounds like you were a very wilful child.

But arguing with kids is never a good idea, it's childish.

Are you bot neuro diverse by any chance?

Or her mum could have picked up a rude and badly behaved child out of the situation as they were guests there. You're taking the version of a 4yo memories as fact and a 4yo can be very dramatic.

I think that it possibly escalated into quite a scene in somebody else’s house and in that case your mother thought it best to remove you from the situation, which I can understand.

I think you both sound stubborn and argumentative and as the adult maybe she should have given way sooner to avoid the scene in the first place.

But I wasn’t there, so don’t know really. Overall, I don’t think it is something that needs dwelling on all these years later.

I dont think I am neuro diverse. This is probably outing but when I was 5 she became extremely unwell with encephalitis. I was sent to live with family and went to a different school for a while. I dont really remember her before that. I have seen home videos etc before that and she seemed to really like me. She didnt recognise me in hospital and I have never felt close to her since.

You're massively over-thinking this. An "unreasonable parent" because she lost her patience during a 4-year old temper tantrum?

My 4yo thinks that there is a magic mirror you can buy in the shops which all of your friends, including ones who aren't even real but just on TV (Paw Patrol, Blaze, Peppa etc), can just walk through like a portal and suddenly they're all standing there in your (tiny boxroom) bedroom and there's lots of balloons and cake and you can all have a big party together. My DC is convinced that Santa will bring them this mirror for Christmas when they have earned enough stickers for their sticker chart. I'm not sure who is meant to provide the balloons or cake or whether that is magic too.

I can't even begin to untangle this one so I just nod encouragingly and tentatively suggest that Santa might not be able to fit a mirror in his sleigh. I can't imagine arguing with DC because they thought a kettle was a teapot!

I think you're underthinking this! You say she's difficult and you've always felt she doesn't like you. That's really sad. A good parent would try to make even an "argumentative" child feel liked.

I think she may be an a hole and you're just remembering the tip of the ocean.

Iceberg!

I voted YABU as there is no way from the small insignificant incident you describe that I can judge whether your mum is an "unreasonable parent".

The fact that you worked yourself up into a screaming fit, despite your mum being correct and trying to instruct you in the difference between a teapot and a kettle shows that you were being quite obstinate and refused to acknowledge her status as an adult with authority on everyday objects, their names and uses.

Your mother was quite correct to not give in, "to keep the peace", as you would do yourself. There's a difference between a refreshingly sassy child who questions social norms/adult actions and dances to their own beat and an obstinate brat, who cannot make a distinction between 4 years of lived experience versus decades. I think your mum knew the difference and didn't indulge you into continuing this behaviour.

I've never doubted she loves me. But I know she doesnt like me. We are polar opposites. She is the most misogynist woman I have ever met. She goes against all my beliefs. I still love her. If she wasn't my mum I would happily never see her again. Guess I'm just sad we have never had that. She brings nothing but stress to my life. It would be easier to hate her if she wasn't my mum.

I could be completely wrong here and apologies if I am, but I know a child and he completely forgets the ‘lead up’ to something.

he could be ignoring and ignoring everything said to him and finally the parent, (after about 15 attempts to negotiate) will say ‘we have to go now’ and the child will say ‘you shouted at me!!!!!!’ Absolutely no recollection of what happened before this, or any fault on their part.

is there any chance there was more going on that day than you actually remember and this was the last thing that happened and your mother just had to leave from the stress of it?

I think no parent is perfect and no child is either. Why don’t you ask her what her memory of that day was and see how you get on?

It's ok to go low contact if you need to OP. Life's hard enough without communicating regularly with someone who only brings you stress, and harms your self esteem. Also be very protective of the healthy relationships in your life, from personal experience I know for example that a difficult mum can put pressure on a marriage.

I relate to you!

It is sad that you both don't get on, but it sounds like your friends / you might be falling into the trap of labelling every parenting technique that is different to yours as 'unreasonable'.

Or maybe she just wanted her child to be correct? Or maybe she didn't like the way her child was tantrumming and speaking to her?
She sounds reasonable to me 🤷‍♀️. OP as a 4 year old you were probably throwing attitude you didn't know you were throwing. Or you could have said something out of line causing your mother to take you home as punishment. We don't always remember the full story. Especially when we were so young

Luckily the majority of people commenting sound nothing like my mother. And will probably be posting on here in ten years time crying and asking why their kids avoid them lol. Take my advice AVOID AVOID AVOID. popping you out of their vagina means nothing... dont let them trick u lol

i would just agree for peace sake
Personally I wouldn’t do that. That doesn’t mean
I would « argue » with my child either but I would insist it was a kettle, maybe show them proof on my phone etc.
So YABU from me, sorry. I agree with PP it sounds like you had clashing personalities rather
than her being out of order.

I think it was a case where the wisest course of action would have been to ‘pick her battles’. I suspect that by the time she took you home it had escalated and you were in full meltdown so she had to remove you from the scene.

But it would have been way preferable if she hadn’t got drawn into arguing with you in the first place. I have a stubborn DD (DD2) and I’ve had to learn this lesson!

Your relationship with your mum isn’t great, obviously, but that isn’t because she took you home age 4. If you had a positive relationship with her then you probably wouldn’t be thinking about this incident at all.