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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you get softer as you get older?

25 replies

moneypie · 13/08/2022 20:00

I'm only 30 so not old by any means but I have noticed the past few years that I seem to be getting softer. For example, I could never understand people who cry at films as they were just people acting. Now I can cry at the drop of a hat, especially films.

Another one, I used to think I lacked empathy, however, I now feel what others are feeling and overwhelming amount and it has made me much kinder.

Last one, I never really cared for animals. Thought they were cute but could never imagine myself caring for any as I always put myself first. However, I now have two cats and two dogs who along with my DD are my absolute world and I love them so much I could burst. Ten years ago I would never have felt anything like that towards animals.

So AIBU to think you get softer/kinder as you get older?

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 13/08/2022 20:24

Yes I agree, I'm older than you but I seem to be getting softer by the years . My dd21 doesn't seem to have a lot of sympathy for people in situations where I would so I'm hoping it's just an age thing !

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 20:26

I think it's a bell curve

You get softer in your 30s -50s then gradually back to being a dick until you're that cranky grandma no one wants to visit Grin

FuzzyPuffling · 13/08/2022 20:27

Not at all. I am a grumpy old curmudgeon and I like it.

UWhatNow · 13/08/2022 20:30

Yes - life experience makes you realise that things are not always so black and white and idealistic as when you are 20 and think you know everything. You are also likely to have experienced some level of ill-health, vulnerability and the random kindness of strangers which makes you more empathetic.

AuntieMarys · 13/08/2022 20:30

Not me! I'm 62 and just don't care.

sunsoutmumsout · 13/08/2022 20:32

I seem to cry a lot easier at things now I'm older but I think having kids is part of that but in other ways I'm much harder, cynical, and grumpier!

WilsonMilson · 13/08/2022 20:32

Yes, I think you become less selfish and self centred. For many people it happens when they have kids and realise that they have a little person whose life and needs are more important than their own. But it can happen without children as the impetus, just as part of growing up and becoming an adult.

I think we grow more aware of the frailty and tragedy of life more as we get older, things happen to us, our parents and grandparents get older and perhaps we lose people. Strangely it makes us stronger and more resilient, and definitely makes us better partners and friends. I think it’s natural during the years of responsibility - perhaps when we are old we go back to the childhood years where others take the reigns and we don’t have to be the carers of the world anymore.

Original poster
moneypie · 13/08/2022 20:33

WilsonMilson · 13/08/2022 20:32

Yes, I think you become less selfish and self centred. For many people it happens when they have kids and realise that they have a little person whose life and needs are more important than their own. But it can happen without children as the impetus, just as part of growing up and becoming an adult.

I think we grow more aware of the frailty and tragedy of life more as we get older, things happen to us, our parents and grandparents get older and perhaps we lose people. Strangely it makes us stronger and more resilient, and definitely makes us better partners and friends. I think it’s natural during the years of responsibility - perhaps when we are old we go back to the childhood years where others take the reigns and we don’t have to be the carers of the world anymore.

Love this comment. Very eloquently written

OP posts:
northwesternskies · 13/08/2022 20:37

I think life experience can definitely make you more empathetic. Especially once you've experienced many things for yourself like loss, grief, heartbreak etc. I would have said I wasn't an overly empathetic person in the past and I wasn't very in touch with my emotional side at all. But I'm 31 now and have lived through a lot of painful experiences in the past 5 years or so and now I'd say I feel empathy for others on a whole new level and am much quicker to cry about things that I wouldn't have given a second thought to when I was younger.

I also think motherhood also brings with it a new understanding and empathy…maybe because you live in an a constant fear for your child’s well-being!

KylieCharlene · 13/08/2022 20:42

I've got harder as I've aged.
I'm better able to see all the bullshit people throw.

tobee · 13/08/2022 20:42

NO!

Afterfire · 13/08/2022 20:48

Oh god no. I’m 42 and in early menopause and I fucking hate everyone. I think everything is shit and boring and just want to be on my own drinking tea and watching my own you tube stuff I like to watch etc. I think when your oestrogen drops you start to feel harder and more selfish. I have noticed when I’ve been on HRT before I felt more emotional and nurturing but without it I’m a bloody nightmare. I know I am.

Bubblebathpanda · 13/08/2022 20:53

Not for me 😬 I’ve been a terrible people pleaser all my life but as I’m getting (much) closer to 40 I’ve noticed a significant change in my approach and opinions towards other people. It’s not a conscious thing, I can’t help it (and I’m still a bit of a worrier and an over thinker) but I have definitely felt a difference in myself.

lljkk · 13/08/2022 21:00

yeah, but I started out an insensitive bitch so now (mid 50s) I'm nearly a decent human being

applegrumbles · 13/08/2022 21:08

Depends where you start out. I’ve always cared about animals for example.

Afterfire · 13/08/2022 21:10

applegrumbles · 13/08/2022 21:08

Depends where you start out. I’ve always cared about animals for example.

Me too.

Love and adore all animals. Just hate people.

notreallynoo · 13/08/2022 21:16

Definitely softer but also less tolerant. It's a mixed bag

EmmaH2022 · 13/08/2022 21:17

No but everyone varies

definitely not applicable for me

my older sister is definitely softening up

my mum is an 83 year old softie and the local kids love her.

I would be yelling GET OFF MY LAWN!!

soundsofthesixties · 13/08/2022 21:43

I'm am a miserable old sod at 76. Everyone and everything annoys me. Grin

LimboLass · 13/08/2022 21:48

Nope unless you count my tits.

entropynow · 13/08/2022 21:57

No, I have become much tougher as life has ground the softness out of me.

Kitkatcatflap · 13/08/2022 22:00

My belly is like blacmange and my thighs are like cottage cheese

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/08/2022 22:10

What you are describing I think is coming out of the (completely natural) selfishness of adolescence and young adulthood.

In 15 years or so like lots of women you may find peri menopause is when you toughen up and stop being willing to take so much shit from people.

I do think however that you get more understanding as you get older (unless you are very thick or angry) and you realise life is complex and everyone is fighting a hard battle etc, but I don’t think that equates to softness.

sunstoked · 13/08/2022 22:16

I think we all get shaped by our experiences - I had a pretty idyllic childhood with wonderful parents, I grew up always seeing the good in people. However, over the years I’ve had my kind nature taken for granted so many times that now I am a lot harder. I’d imagine for other people it can work the opposite way. It’s the way nature and nurture combine to make us who we are.

Oldnproud · 16/03/2023 08:46

sunsoutmumsout · 13/08/2022 20:32

I seem to cry a lot easier at things now I'm older but I think having kids is part of that but in other ways I'm much harder, cynical, and grumpier!

I'm the same!

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