To ask for success stories of angry/violent children

[BenjiLove]

My 3 year old has been angry since the day he was born. Cried furiously over anything and everything. I guess he had colic as a baby. He would cry and cry. Now he can be kind and sweet and very funny but he is also pretty angry. Every small task is a battle. He only does things when he's not being asked. E.g. I'll say "brush your teeth" and he'll scream until he's red in the face. The minute I turn my back he brushes his teeth. Sometimes he will stare me dead in the eye as he drops my make up/purse etc in the loo. He hits me. Pinches. Pulls hair. Tantrums 10 times a day.

Anyway I now have an 18 month old too and realise this level of anger isn't just the "norm" as DC2 cries of course but isn't inconsolable and doesn't rage all day.

Anyway...I'm managing day to day. Just. But the thing that keeps me up at night is less the ruined make up or destroyed house...and more that he is just an angry person. By nature. And that he is going to find life very difficult being so difficult. (He finds it hard to play with other kids, sharing is almost painful to him seemingly).

Any stories of angry toddlers turning into well adjusted kids/adults??? Sometimes I feel such panic about him...its like he's working against me every day and he rages until he's about to explode

Anyway I'm reading all I can and trying techniques to improve stuff but just would love to hear from any parents whose kids outgrew this kind of personality?

I've some experience of 'changing children' as a teacher (albeit of older children.) I teach from year 7-13 and I've had many examples of children who struggled with anger/frustration and even violence lower down the school, but emerged emotionally stronger and more measured in Years 10-12. I've also got 3 children of my own and I remember being really worried that one of my twins would grow to have angry tantrums all her life, looking back, I realise that she had lots of feelings she wanted to express but just wasn't 'there' yet emotionally. She's only 9 now, but she has a lovely disposition (and I don't think there was anything special we did to make that happen.) When I was mired in it all and feeling very down, I was told that 'the days are long but the years are short'. I think of this now when I read your comment, the days feel very long when you're struggling with an angry child, but the years suddenly flip past and you see that they were growing emotionally every day (even when you didn't realise it.) Hang in there, they are full of potential and they will be amazing xx

No advice to give but place marking and sending sympathy OP. I posted similar on Parenting but didn't get much help. My DS is 4 and has an awful temper too, as well as hitting. I too worry about what the future holds, and it is utterly exhausting just negotiating the daily routine. Can only hope it improves once he starts school.

My DD was this child. So stubborn, angry and violent. We took her to a child psychologist and she was part of a university study for difficult children at 3 yrs old. I also had another child 18 months younger who was completely different.

We held extremely tight boundaries for her, strict routines and very clear expectations (and she defied them and fought constantly). We held her to a high standard and didn’t deviate. The biggest impact was we got her heavily involved in sport from 3 yrs old. She would run 1 km every morning at the park before breakfast then into activities all day. It was exhausting for us but exactly what she needed to redirect all that energy into something positive. She did improve with the structure of school added in too.

Now, in early high school, she is school prefect, got dux in primary school, straight A student, respectful, considerate and balanced. She still does 20 hrs a week of a competitive level sport that is her true passion.

I’m still shocked at the transformation. It’s been a long journey and hard work for all of us but she got there. I know it’s hard and I had so many days feeling defeated but there’s definitely hope.

Yes- DD of a friend saw a child psychologist for anger issues at about 5-6y and it made a huge difference. If you're really worried, it might be worth getting some professional support. (May well have to be private given how stretched services are- don't know whether that would be an option?)

What do you do when he hurts you or throws your things in the loo? It sounds really tough on you and definitely worth getting some help before he gets bigger physically.

It's not that unusual for children to struggle to play with others at just 3- that's the age that they usually start to properly play together (rather than just next to each other) so it could be that he'll get the hang of that a bit more very soon. Ditto sharing, practice makes perfect.

DD1 has been like this - she's got her mum's very quick to anger streak and intolerance to any ineptitude. It's taken a lot of work, teaching strategies to manage it and talking through feelings to start to get there - and now we've got puberty and the Kevin phase to get through anyway - but there is a lovely, responsible, kind young lady in there starting to emerge which is a change from the child with CAHMS low level involvement for anger issues, who would kick the shit out of me so badly during lockdowns that school took her back into provision.
She's never going to tolerate idiots or take shit from people - but we're getting there and I'm OK with that.

Thank you for your messages. So good to read about kids outgrowing some of the more extreme behaviours.

@ThePoint678 - really interesting about high standards and being firm. I have read a lot about being 'gentle' and flexible etc, and have been trying to do that a little e.g. picking your battles - so "OK, you don't want a bath, but just wash your face"...but actually I have been far more rigid over the last few days "You will have a bath in the next five minutes. This is your warning" and then not physically forcing him to have a bath but saying "You will not get stories until you have a bath" and sticking to it, and he is responding well. He just pushes and pushes everything, and gets violent if he doesn't get his own way. Again, I have tried basically just getting up and walking out the room if he hits me, just straight away, every time, and I think it's having an effect. No shouting, but just not accepting it and not spending time with him if he hits.

Anyway - thank you for all your tips. I think it's been difficult these last few weeks in the heat too.

My son is like this.
He's 7 now and has really improved a lot over the past few years. Eg he used to hit other kids at school and doesn't do that any longer. He's getting better at controlling his temper.

However, he's still basically angry a lot and that's his first response to anything not going his way. I'm going to start sessions with a psychologist as I really want to help him be happier and it's very wearing on me and his dad.

As with you, my younger child is completely different and his default mood is basically happy.

Also, we've started just saying we can't hear shouting angry noises and ignoring him when he does it, which has helped him to work out that he needs to calm himself down and talk normally. We also do it with the you get one for whining.
Don't know if it's the right thing to do but seems to be helpful!