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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is is better to "struggle" financially when your kids are small?

27 replies

SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:14

Hi all,

(Possibly outing)

Sorry for the weird title but wasn't sure how else to put it.

Basically I'm late 20s and DH is early 30s and I have a 18 month old and a baby due in November - I'm currently not working due to being a carer for my mum (learning difficulties possibly autism) but with social services and family help I'm going back to uni next month to finish a psychology degree ( I had to drop out half way through year 2 due to my DF passing away) so I'm starting again from the beginning of year 2 and then once I qualify I'm going to go on to do a mental health registered nurse degree (I've looked into it and spoken to the uni and it's something I can do) which once qualified would double anything I can earn now.

DH currently has a job but no qualifications and I don't know if it's a bit of a "midlife crisis" or if now he's has a young family and how the COL has affected everyone he doesn't want to earn minimum wage forever he's decided he wants to do an apprenticeship in a trade which is fine and I'm proud of him but for the first year they only have to pay him £4.84 or something which is a huge drop in income but then for the following three years he'll be on minimum wage until he qualifies which would then mean he can double or even more than double what he's on now too.

So my question is basically we're gonna struggle for the first year or so but our bills and food will be covered and then it'll be worth it in the long run so I was thinking it's better to do it whilst the kids are so young because I can pick clothes, toys etc up from the charity shop or eBay or whatever without it being an issue to them and they'll probably still find fun in trips to the park, woods and playing in the garden but I guess what I'm asking is am I being unrealistic or does it sound manageable?

I really wish DH and I would have done this when we were younger but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I don't know if there's someone on here whose done similar and can offer advice or anything.

Thank you for reading, I'd usually hash this out with my dad but Mumsnet has been a great support so just looking for outside opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:16

Also just to add sorry I've put "struggle" like that because we can pay for bills and food so not struggling in the sense of what some people sadly are but I meant not having a lot over for luxuries like days out, meals out, take aways and whatever else etc

OP posts:
HewasH2O · 13/08/2022 11:18

Do you have rent to pay or are you living with your mum? How will you handle childcare whilst you're at uni? So much depends on your outgoings, especially as bills are about to go through the roof.

GetOffTheRoof · 13/08/2022 11:20

It's probably more manageable if your haven't got childcare costs to cover, so yes I guess now is the time.

Have you looked into your benefit entitlements as well? It's more complicated when you're a student, but there is assistance.

Are you taking the student loan? That can affects your benefits, but you need to know how that will work. www.gov.uk/guidance/universal-credit-and-students

Could you do an apprenticeship degree yourself as a MH nurse?

Original poster
SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:23

HewasH2O · 13/08/2022 11:18

Do you have rent to pay or are you living with your mum? How will you handle childcare whilst you're at uni? So much depends on your outgoings, especially as bills are about to go through the roof.

I have a fixed rate mortgage for the next few years and I'm only going to uni one day a week and kindly have a few family members who are willing to care for children that day which I know I am very lucky to have so thankfully childcare isn't a problem.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 13/08/2022 11:24

I think your rationale is sound.

An different situation to you, but we had 2 children close in age together and the cost of childcare for both of us to work so we could maintain careers, meant that we were basically only able to cover the basics until the oldest got to school age.
We did what you propose - bought child stuff pretty much all second hand (my MIL volunteered a charity shop and she used to put aside anything that she thought we'd like) and did a lot of going to the park with a picnic type activities. We also used the library a lot :) My "luxury" was going to a £2 a week toddler group so I could meet other parents. We also used Tesco vouchers to do things like go to the zoo once a year. The DC enjoyed everything we did, and they didn't know they were "missing out". Actually I'm sceptical that young children really get the benefit of having lots of money spent on them - I think this is mostly for the parents' benefit. Plus the DC won't remember it.

Your decisions, as you say, will mean benefits for the the family in the future, and it won't get any easier to do this at a later time.

Original poster
SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:25

GetOffTheRoof · 13/08/2022 11:20

It's probably more manageable if your haven't got childcare costs to cover, so yes I guess now is the time.

Have you looked into your benefit entitlements as well? It's more complicated when you're a student, but there is assistance.

Are you taking the student loan? That can affects your benefits, but you need to know how that will work. www.gov.uk/guidance/universal-credit-and-students

Could you do an apprenticeship degree yourself as a MH nurse?

I've looked into benefits and we do get a little help and I've got a student loan to help too.

I've looked at apprenticeships for mental health nursing and there isn't any around my area, I found one but they were only accepting people who already worked at a certain place so wasn't able to apply.

I am hoping that once baby is a bit older I can find a work from home night job that will hopefully boost earnings but I'm thinking worse case scenario for the year if that makes sense.

OP posts:
ImWell · 13/08/2022 11:27

Well, to answer the question asked in the title, no, it’s better to struggle before you have children to try to make it as unlikely as possible when you do. Given it’s a bit late for that now though the next best option is to struggle now.

GetOffTheRoof · 13/08/2022 11:27

You could look into care work for night shifts, but obviously depends on your DH and his work. I know my neighbour does 3 nights a week rather than 5 day shifts for the same money. It means someone is always available for the kids. If you're part time, that would still allow for uni study and childcare. WFH at night might be a bit more difficult to come by.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/08/2022 11:31

It sounds sensible for you both to crack on with training now.

Do you feel strongly about finishing your psychology degree - if not, could you do your mental health nurse training without it and pick it up later if you want?

Original poster
SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:32

ImWell · 13/08/2022 11:27

Well, to answer the question asked in the title, no, it’s better to struggle before you have children to try to make it as unlikely as possible when you do. Given it’s a bit late for that now though the next best option is to struggle now.

Sadly situations change, we weren't struggling before children I mean don't get me wrong we weren't rolling in it but I had a decent paid job but when my dad died suddenly and my mum needed care (when baby was a month old) I didn't have a choice and then we found out I was 16 weeks pregnant with this baby - I thought my periods stopped because of all the stress but life happens and you can only do your best and try to create a better future.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:33

GetOffTheRoof · 13/08/2022 11:27

You could look into care work for night shifts, but obviously depends on your DH and his work. I know my neighbour does 3 nights a week rather than 5 day shifts for the same money. It means someone is always available for the kids. If you're part time, that would still allow for uni study and childcare. WFH at night might be a bit more difficult to come by.

I didn't think of care work, thank you for suggesting it - I'm going to look into it nearer the time because I know employers can't say no because your pregnant but I have a bit of a fear when I walk in with a big bump they might find another reason to say no.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:36

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/08/2022 11:31

It sounds sensible for you both to crack on with training now.

Do you feel strongly about finishing your psychology degree - if not, could you do your mental health nurse training without it and pick it up later if you want?

I spoke to the university where they offer mental health nursing and I have asked about clearing and whether I can apply through that and if not then I have to finish my degree as I don't have any former qualifications apart from GCSES because bit of a drip feed sorry but my dad was an older man (he had me at 50) and with my mums disabilities I was the only one who could work so started working straight after school to contribute to the household which is partly why I want to up both of our incomes if we can as I don't want my DC to ever feel in that position like they have to work to bring money home instead of getting an education.

OP posts:
ImWell · 13/08/2022 11:37

SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 11:32

Sadly situations change, we weren't struggling before children I mean don't get me wrong we weren't rolling in it but I had a decent paid job but when my dad died suddenly and my mum needed care (when baby was a month old) I didn't have a choice and then we found out I was 16 weeks pregnant with this baby - I thought my periods stopped because of all the stress but life happens and you can only do your best and try to create a better future.

Show quote history

Understood, and given where you are now, I think cracking on with the difficult bit is better than delaying.

Lolloped · 13/08/2022 11:39

My main concern about what you have said is it sounds like you are starting uni 7 months pregnant. I think you would be better to resume your studies next Autumn rather than this year.

I am a mature student who returned to studying and expecting baby 3 and will be taking the academic year ahead out. My course isn’t really feasible to do with a young baby especially due to being behind with necessary practical work due to COVIDs impacts the last few years. Even with a course with less contact hours and no clinics to attend I would worry that taking time out to recover from birth and attends the many appointments young babies have with midwives/health visitors would mean you will be at a huge disadvantage. Returning to study, especially at 2nd year level, when you are rusty from nearly a decade away from full time study is hard and having a newborn is hard and having a toddler is hard.

My other question is why don’t you just apply for mental health nursing straight away? If that’s what you want to do as a career just apply for that ready for the next academic year.

Do you have help with childcare? Paying for 2 in nursery is very expensive. And then who will be caring for your mum as her needs will still need to be taken care of. You won’t get carers allowance as a full time student. And you need to look at what you will get from student finance for this degree and also look ahead to funding for your second degree as this is often different.

In the long run I think it’s great you and your partner want to do training and get better jobs. You can live without the luxuries but be aware you will have a lot on your plate with studying and young children and will have to make sure you apply for all the student finance and benefits you are eligible for to try to make things work.

Lolloped · 13/08/2022 11:42

Just saw your update about no A Levels - do nursing with a foundation year.

whatsupluckyducky · 13/08/2022 11:42

I would say it’s easier when the children are younger as like you say, you can pick up second hand clothes/toys etc. cheaper to entertain them by using parks etc and they won’t be asking for as much as they will when they are older. Good luck with your plans’

Philandbill · 13/08/2022 11:43

I agree with @redskyatnight , small children are just as happy with a picnic at the park as they are with a day at a theme park. Both of mine wore a lot of second hand clothes and hand me down clothes when they were small and didn't care a jot. They were clean and loved and that matters more than newness. You are making a great investment in your family's future by retraining now. All good wishes to you OP, you and your partner seem very sensible.

AntlerRose · 13/08/2022 11:46

I think your logic is sound. Apart from childcare expenses which it sounds like you can avoid, young children are much cheaper and happier splashing in puddles and going to the park than tweens and teens, there are much more second hand clothes about as children grow before they wear them out and they eat less.

I think it will be very hard though and wish you all the best.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 13/08/2022 11:46

I think it sounds like a great idea. Also you and DH are working towards jobs you will be happy doing, so will be better in the long run mentally and for your kids to see you both happy.

We both do minimum wage jobs but ones we enjoy so our girls have always had cheap days out and second hand gifts etc.. We spent most of their pre school years at parks, beach, exploring the countryside and having duvet days watching films. They look back fondly and remember the times we went to the park in the pouring rain or when we dressed up and sang along to frozen on the TV. Childhood isn't about expensive days out its about making memories. They need your time not money being spent on them (Sounds cheesy but it's true!)

Mally100 · 13/08/2022 11:51

I think you have a good plan and if you and dh stick to it, in a few years your financial and living situation will look very different. You're right, in the early years it takes very little to keep dc occupied and entertained and they will be happy with having hands on parents and a loving home. If you are sorted for childcare, then that is a big help. I would crack on, keep to your plan and try save when you can. Best of luck.

Chdjdn · 13/08/2022 11:54

In my experience it’s easier to live more cheaply with younger DC as they aren’t asking for the latest thing/expectations around Christmas and activities are lower

HewasH2O · 13/08/2022 11:57

I wonder if your DH's potential apprenticeship employer is possibly rubbing their hands together with glee at the thought of being able to employ someone with a good track record rather than an untried school leaver on an apprenticeship wage. Would he be confident enough to ask them if they would pay above the apprenticeship rate in the first 12 months, perhaps after an initial probation period?

Also check how much student loan funding you would be able to receive. It would be a shame if the psychology degree now would limit the funding available for mental health nursing. Investigate any bursaries as well.

Original poster
SkyRanger · 13/08/2022 12:02

HewasH2O · 13/08/2022 11:57

I wonder if your DH's potential apprenticeship employer is possibly rubbing their hands together with glee at the thought of being able to employ someone with a good track record rather than an untried school leaver on an apprenticeship wage. Would he be confident enough to ask them if they would pay above the apprenticeship rate in the first 12 months, perhaps after an initial probation period?

Also check how much student loan funding you would be able to receive. It would be a shame if the psychology degree now would limit the funding available for mental health nursing. Investigate any bursaries as well.

He's doing it through the college and they are an approved employer or something, he explained it to me but went over my head haha basically he can ask in three months if they will up his wage and they might do but realistically probably won't but then after the 12 months they have to pay him NMW by law and I think with them agreeing to take him on then they are agreeing to have him for the four years unless my DH does something he shouldn't which he won't.

I've checked with the university I want to attend for mental health nursing and because it's a course in which you'd work for the NHS afterwards student finance would provide all of the loan and any previous study is disregarded and I think but not 100% sure you can get an extra NHS bursary so I am looking into that too.

OP posts:
DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 13/08/2022 12:08

Your uni will have a hardship fund you can apply to, probably once a term or year. 5 yes ago the max payment at manmet was £1500 (if memory serves).

Also if one of you joins a union they have hardship funds.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 13/08/2022 12:12

(Unison was £10 a year when I was at uni)