Please share your positive self-talk tricks

[Taillighttoobright]

Hello! A bit of background:
I never used to be anxious at all - it developed after work colleagues 9 years ago (who I now see had felt threatened by me) orchestrated a little smear campaign. They've all now left my workplace.
I have been on antidepressants for years and have weaned myself off. I never want to go back on them as a) the accompanying, unexpected weight loss has started to make itself known and b) I like to laugh, and this feeling has come back.
I have had extensive life-saving surgeries that have left me (in the words of my consultant) "cosmetically unacceptable". This was in a referral to yet another plastic surgeon about 5 years ago but it all came to nothing and I have accepted the way I look but I do feel sorry for my DH as when we married and had our DC I was a bit of a babe.
My DH is lovely and we do laugh a lot. We do everything together because we want to. We complement each other - he's the blue-sky thinker, I'm the executive functioner. Oddly, we haven't had sex in about a year. There is no OW.
My family (me, DH, 3 lovely DC) are NC with all wider family on both sides.
We have no savings, no inheritance (that went with the NC) and we can't afford to downsize because we'd still be paying the same as our current mortgage but for a much smaller place. This is true even if we moved to rented. We can afford monthly food shops, but haven't holidayed since 2016 because I can't justify spending that sort of money.
So here is the thing.
I suffer from bouts of despair. They can last from an hour to a couple of days. During these bouts I feel crippling guilt for how I parent, how everything health wise and fitness wise now is downhill (DH and I are 49, youngest DC is only 10), how we have no savings, the pressure I put on my DC to be the best versions of themselves, the worry that I don't put enough pressure on my DC to be the best versions of themselves, the suffocating worry that I've bought lovely DC into a batshit world, the knowledge that had I known what I know now I wouldn't have had DC, the feeling that my family would be happier and financially better off without me (I have life insurance and a company policy that would both pay out irrespective of how I 'went')...
I don't want medicating out of this - the moments of despair are potent but relatively fleeting. I can't afford therapy (I paid £100 ph for 3 sessions to get me through the NCing of my parents - £300 ffs, which could have been 3 good Tesco shops) and I can't function effectively at work (I work FT) on medication.
This is a first-world problem, I know. I am constantly impressed by Mumsnetters' resilience. Can you share your tricks, please? What do you say to yourselves when irrational despair descends?

Not exactly what you’re asking, but every night, as I turn the light off, I say a little prayer/mantra. I think how grateful I am for my family, for my friends, for my life. For my health, my home, my job etc and then I have to think of three extra things that I’m grateful for that day (some days it’s literally that I didn’t lose my shit, that I love my pillows or that I enjoyed my dinner! Some days it’s that I’ve had a good day with the kids, or that I survived to payday etc). It helps me keep my life in perspective. It’s bloody hard sometimes (especially at the moment!) but I have lots to be thankful for, and it’s easy to forget that sometimes 😊

@ButWheresTheRumGone
That's brilliant, and I'm going to do that tonight. I'll also make the list of thanks today - that will be a nice thing to do.
Thank you. Bit tearful now. I love Mumsnet.

I know you say you don't want medication and I completely understand, but do you think there's a possibility that some of your anxiety is menopause related?

My mantra is ‘be careful what you focus on because what you focus on grows’.

So instead of feeling gilt about the kids, in that moment get yourself up and go hug one of them and have a chat, or plan a cinema evening with them or do something positive.

Are you peri menopausal? That causes savage anxiety with hormonal dip.
Running or fast walking anything that releases the happy hormones.
Tell yourself you are good enough.
Kids don't need a perfect mum they just need you.😀

Not menopausal - one of the surgeries was the removal of ovaries, about 8 years ago. I’m out the other side!

@mynamesnotMa
“Kids don't need a perfect mum they just need you”
I’ll put this into my new mantra; thank you x

In the morning, I look in the mirror and say to myself (in my head only) "I'm happy, healthy and it's terrific". Cheesy AF, but an ex years ago we t on acourse where they were recommended to do this and the habit stuck

During low mood eg covid, I remind myself that "this too shall pass"

It helps me to be around nature. Whatever's happening, the sun still comes up, the tide goes out, and the plants flower. It reminds me that the world keeps turning and our worries are insignificant in the greater scheme of things

I also have a religious faith, but that's not for everyone

@Stickmansmum
Thats a good trick. Refocus the bad energy onto good. I need a list of what non expensive refocusing options there are. 2 DC are ASD and don’t hug! A game of catch works, or maybe making a pizza together. Thank you x

@notanothertakeaway
I would like faith. I went to a service (Eucharist) last month but found it a bit organised and that I didn’t know what to do. The people were lovely, though. I felt as if I hadn’t put in the years and so hadn’t earns the right to be there.
Your comments about nature are very true. I fractured my ankle last month (being in nature!) and so am hobbled at the moment. I wonder if that’s what has ramped up my anxiety.

You can have free counselling and CBT on the NHS, OP. Just search IAPT services [place name] and a list will come up of services for you to self refer to. Sounds like counselling would fit you from what you've described as intermittent self doubt.
However, something I have learned to do is develop a 'compassionate other' as an antithesis to my 'critical other', i.e. the critical voice in my head. Often the critic gets lots of airtime and affects my mood and self view.
I developed a 'compassionate other' whom I can bring into my head and they give me the kind of pep talk a perfect mother/friend/coach would give me - not permitting my mistakes, but telling me I'm good enough despite them. I image their tone of voice, facial expressions, them hugging me, and basically accepting me and loving me despite my faults and failings. I find it really comforting.

No one would think you had to earn the right to attend, please don't worry about that

Some churches offer Alpha course, which is an introduction to christianity

My friends attend a Baptist church which is less formal / more jolly than others

@justsayso
Thank you so much for the IAPT advice; I’ve just submitted a self-referral.
I like the idea of a compassionate voice, too. I try to do this, but I end up mentally arguing with myself.

@Taillighttoobright best of luck with the referral. I re read your OP and noticed you're NC with your family members - that's strengthened my first thought that counseling might be helpful. Often the inner critic we end up with as adults is really a development of criticism we heard in our formative years.
I hope you find some peace

@Taillighttoobright ❤️

@justsayso
Had a phone call today (Saturday!) thanks to my GP surgery’s concern that I was overusing diazepam, and she absolutely confirmed what you are saying, and even wanted to refer me to the very provider you recommended this morning - I got to say that I had already self-referred thanks to Mumsnet ☺️
Childhood trauma is what she focused on, too, so it looks like I have underplayed this for years. Hopefully I can be seen outside of working hours - otherwise the “burden” thing will kick in again, this time for my employer. Thank you for your input xx

Great news. Best of luck with the counselling. Most services will have an out of hours provision for exactly your circumstances, but you might have to wait a bit longer for a slot to become available. They will likely also offer phone/video or face to face options which is great as remote sessions can slot into your day to day life without having to travel to an appointment.