I say I am tired.. he says we are both tired

[Furmummy]

AIBU, I am a new mum. Looking after baby 24/7. Husband works 6 days a week from 7am- 530pmish so I do majority of baby stuff, house work, admin stuff, cooking etc .. I don’t mind as know he is wiped also. He prob has baby for about an hour when he gets in from work, I take her up about 8, and do most of the feeds etc … rarely if I am totally wiped he may do the 10:30 one. Today I feel wiped and say a few times while yawning am so tired .. his response is ‘We are both tired’ aibu that I would like a bit of responce instead of turning it back to him …

I Understand your perspectives, but let's say you say your tired, how would.you like his response ?

Would just love him to recognise what I am doing and say, shall I do the feed and you get yourself an early night for a change x he went to bed at 930, baby has temp and I am just waiting to do her last feed

If you want him to do something, ask him specifically - could you take the baby for an hour, could you do the washing up tonight or do two feeds - don't hint or get into a competition about who is the most tired.

Ime don't be a martyr. Hand the baby over a lot more often.

Fair point … I don’t ask enough and feel like it is a competition between us

@Creepymanonagoatfarm yep I need to do that also .. it’s hard as just adjusting to the new mum stage

Totally lacking in any empathy isnt he, what a twat

Why are you doing everything?

He's right, you are both knackered. You need to be working as a team, and communication is a huge part of this. Be more direct when you need help. Xxx

I’m not doing everything, just doing the majority of stuff, he still does few house jobs and bits of gardening etc . But he is working lots so I am happy to take the majority of stuff .. just having bad day as wiped and baby been poorly so been a long day

I get you op. But to be a good dm you need to look after you too!! Dh used to take ds for a couple of hours about 5 am. 2 hours unbroken sleep was amazing at that time!!
He was very hands on. Ime doing the 'donkey work' is what creates a proper bond with dc. Not the Disney parenting some df do.

Thank you @MammaWeasel good point, I am not communicating well so I will try that and see if works better

I’m really lucky as baby sleeping really well most nights so most days I am fine .. just having a bad day I think and having a winge .. I need to ask more tho, so going to work on that X

I get it - it's a hard stage in life. DH worked permanent nights when our DS was born so was at work 10pm til 8 am 5 days a week. So I was it all night- and I was back at work myself when DS was 4 months old (ye olden days- no such thing as a year off! thank goodness things have moved on since then) You have to spell things out ime- I know some will think you shouldn't have to but if I said to DH I'm off for a nap at 5pm -look after him he would. If I sat there yawning and knackered but didn't say that it would not occur to him to offer- tell him what you want him to do- if he bitches/moans or refuses then you have a whole other problem.

But you are both tired. It’s not a race to the bottom. Probably wasn’t the most sensitive comment but not awful either.

We had this after my partner went back to work after paternal leave when baby was 2 weeks old.

We were both wiped for the first year. Partner didn't do feeds because she was breastfed, but found it really hard to sleep through when she was cluster feeding and cried in the night so would sit up supporting me and making sure I had drinks and snacks.

We just sat down together and discussed what we could do to help each other.

It was things like him taking baby for half an hour before he went to work so I could have a lie down or a coffee before I started the day, agreeing to let housework slip so I could sleep when baby slept, making sure he took her for half an hour in the evening so I could shower, stocking up my side table with bottled drinks and packaged snacks when he was going to the shop

Then for him things like throwing a sandwich in the fridge while I was prepping dinner (takes 2 minutes but makes a big difference in the morning before work and allows him to take baby while I had coffee), making breakfast- even just cereal in a bowl and a jug of milk on the table - when I was finished the 6am feed, or sitting down with him in the evenings and just taking time for a drink and a chat

Then for both of us as a team - he got a robovac so we didn't need to vacuum anywhere near as much, we would tag team, so I would flick the kettle switch or throw the food in the oven while he held her and then usually stop to feed and he would dish up or pour the water and milk into the tea cups

It really does help when you start to work together as a team and communicate. You both need time alone and together while also taking care of babies needs.

We felt like we nailed that first year in the end. It definitely brought us closer despite feeling knackered constantly, I think we both learned we had each others backs.

This.

His work hours are ridiculous.
It is also exhausting having a small baby.
But it isn't a competition.
Whilst you are both exhausted, neither of you have time to think carefully about everything you say. It is easy for both of you to take things the wrong way.
If you want something specific, ask specifically for it.
Otherwise it is a case of grit your teeth if there are no family members who can help out, and if your dh can't do anything about those hours and days.

But he is working full time plus doing some childcare duties, along with housework, he probably has broken sleep too, he has a right to be tired also. I don't get why its a competition or annoyed you. Just because you do the majority doesn't make him immune to the impacts of young children

You are both tired. You have your job, he has his. Don't make it into some petty pissing contest.

Perhaps because her husband is working 6 days a week? It's fair that she does the vast majority of the household tasks given their current situation.

There are no winners in competitive tiredness. Rest when you can, delegate chores fairly and be kind to one another.

He may well think you have it easy being at home. You may think it would be amazing to go to the loo alone or have a second to think about anything except being a mother.

Its all temporary. Remind yourselves you are a team. You are both tired.

It's a slow grow for the other parent as they don't get that 1:1 long periods of time with an infant. We are still having this conversation 21 months is-I haven't washed my hair in two weeks, partner is going to the spa and a night out with friends tomorrow after 2 months of constant social engagements with friends of theirs. I've read the riot act and will be having the next 2 months of weekends off!

perfectly reasonable that he feels tired as well - might have had a shit day at work, result of hot weather... or just being honest.
Probably thought he was being empathetic - would your have felt better if he'd said he felt great and buzzing with energy?

Men don't get it sometimes. I used to make my husbsnd a really strong coffee when he got home id hand the coffee over with a smile your coffee. He clicked on later why id been doing it lol and it'd work when we had the 1.
Now I've got 2 i just let him relax for even half an hr to 40 minutes ( i wake him up after that) when he wakes up then i hand the kids over and just relax, i even eat my dinner alone because I'm burnt out so I go in another room watch tele whilst he feeds the kids i make myself a coffee and just eat in quiet. Then i rejoin after relaxing.

Just to add, you are probably both tired but in different ways!