We can’t live our entire lives like we’re on holiday

[Itswhatshisnameoffwhatdomacallit]

I live abroad in a tourist area. Different family members/friends come over to visit regularly, some stay with us, some in a hotel etc.
We enjoy it and love seeing them, but feel pressure to be meeting up for lunches, dinners, drinks, days out as though we’re away on holiday or entertaining at ours and we just don’t have the budget at the moment.
What would you do about this situation? It’s very awkward when people come over with all their plans, suggesting this place for lunch or this place for a day out, when we’re just living our daily lives. We haven’t put aside/saved up holiday money to have a good time every time and budget enough for weekly shop, petrol, bills etc, the same as others would back home.
We understand their excitement and would love to be going out spending and having fun, it’s a bit embarrassing tbh, what do we say when they ask? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry we can't make it but have a wonderful time!

Why can't you tell them what you've written here?

@lisavanderpumpscloset People come over to see us, so we can’t meet up, but it obviously invariably means a lunch, dinner, drinks, place to go sightseeing etc 🤷🏻‍♀️
Only alternative is to always come to us, which is fine but perhaps a bit boring for us and more work and expense for us, obviously don’t mind sometimes but…

@Lockheart We sort of do…although often feel embarrassed, they say not to worry, we’ll have fun no matter what we do, but obviously doing stuff generally involves money, especially when you’re on holiday, which I get

Decline their invitation
Only agree to do cheap / free stuff - picnic on the beach for example
Say yes to having them over but ask them to bring stuff with them

Welcome to expat life. Find cheap local places to go and provide help with what to do see.

Presumably these are people you know well so can be honest with them-I wouldn’t be embarrassed, it’s fine. You can’t be on hand to entertain them for a week as you’re doing normal work things. I’d put aside a couple of dates to do stuff with them-one eg dinner/split takeaway at yours and one day/picnic/coffee/beach out.

Can you say you’re working so not free? Or just sorry we’ve got a really busy week that week so not sure we’ll be able to meet? (Awkward maybe). Or just have them over for dinner/drinks once in that week, and split costs of a takeaway? You’re not unreasonable at not wanting to be a continual host for other people’s holidays, that’s for sure!

We used to visit relatives over summer and stayed with them while they were working. We did our own things during the days and had joint entertainment only at weekends. We did our own shopping, cooking , cleaning and we also were in charge of dinner for everyone because our hosts were at work until quite late. Our hosts did some adjustments but in general they carried on with life - because they were not on a holiday. A couple of time they took some annual leave to spend with us, in this situation we did more fun stuff together.

Would they still come if you were not living in such a great place? If not, then I’d tell them you won’t be available to entertain/meet up but could see them once for an M&S picnic/beers on the beach.

If they would come wherever you lived, then roll out the red carpet to whatever degree you feel able. These people are your priority.

We lived in a busy tourist area and had lots of visitors during summer holidays but it stopped when schools opened. We saw no one in the Winter so had a chance to recover financially. Will that happen when holiday season ends?

Just join for 1 cheapish lunch or a beach picnic. The rest of the time just say you're busy and working. It's seems to be you putting yourself under pressure I think.

@Arenanewbie They’re not staying with us in this next visit coming up, but I imagine will want us to meet up lots (30
minute drive away-sounds ridiculous but petrol at the moment) then when we meet we obviously will have to eat etc, it just all
adds up

@TokyoTen Its partners family, I think they’re expecting a meet up everyday

Just say you can’t make it, you’re working or busy. Say you can meet for a walk or whatever.

@Benjispruce4 Its partners family…coming to see us..we can’t just not make it 😬

I felt exactly the same when I lived in New York. I didn’t mind at all people staying with me for cheap accommodation, using the spare room and doing their thing, but no, they assumed I would do all the tourist things, and none of the things that I actually wanted to do.

For example, one Saturday morning I wanted to do some food shopping, my laundry, and sort out some paperwork. When Imsaid I was off to,do,the shopping my guest said “oh, no, you don’t need to take me to a supermarket, I’m fine, can we just go straight out for brunch?”

No, we bloody can’t. I work hard all week, have one morning to get some shit done, and do not want to waste it eating a 2,000 calorie meal over two hours in a “cool” diner.

Or we are available, if you put the charge on your tab ?

Meals out at night, too. I’d fancy a tomato salad at home, but no, they expect me to take them to the posh restaurant down town for yet another three course dinner with wine.

I dont understand why you can't tell them what you've written here? It's perfectly reasonable to say that to friends/family. They should understand (or I imagine they're people who don't care about you, in which case, don't see them!)

Surely explaining this once would solve the problem long term.

Oh I see, 30 mins is not too much but when you add up everything…I’ve got a bit of this myself when my relative visited us and wanted me to do shopping/ going out with her/ visiting places. She was very disappointed but … We usually did something on a weekend but not on weekdays, and one dinner out per visit. I was pretty honest from the beginning that we couldn’t afford this and that (and tbh it’s obvious from our circumstances).
Are they really coming to see you ? Would they visit so often for so long if you were in a different place? Did you invite them ? Because if they’ve told your partner that they would visit rather then asked him if it’s convenient he should have warned them that you were going to be busy and would see them only occasionally.

@Arenanewbie Its not much, but is an hour round trip and If we end up doing that everyday 🤷🏻‍♀️
We usually do something nice at the weekend, just not everyday, unless we’re on holiday and have set money aside.
I don’t know, we’re not too badly off, it just seems like all this costs loads every year and this year, things are harder for everyone, so it’s more noticeable I guess

@bcc89 We have and they just say not to worry and we’ll have fun whatever we do, but, what will we do 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

When they first talk about coming over, you need to be clear.

"It will be lovely to see you, but remember we will be at work during the week and have other commitments and just general life stuff, so won't be able to spend most of the time with you. Hopefully we can meet you somewhere for a meal out one of the evenings"

To be fair to your partner though, if you live abroad, presumably this is the only time each year he sees his family ? So maybe wants to see them / spend time with them ?

If people come to you. Ok great sunday at 6. We are happy to provide a main course and a few snacks for the kids if you could bring pudding and the drinks.

If its out and about. Our spending money is tied up for our family holiday later on in the year. How about a bring your own picnic at such and such. Fantastic free playground there. And so on.