AIBU to think either my child is hellish or we are shit parents ?

[HellinGreece]

I need help. Don't know where to start. Currently on holiday with DS6. Despite ex and I not being together, we do live in the same house and decided to take DS for his 1st holiday abroad. Its meant to be fab but it's hell. DS is scared of water, doesn't want to even try to do anything in the pool. He hates any group activities, trips, beach. Anything remotely fun is a no.
Is it because its his personality or is it because he has issues ? Or it because I try to be stricter parent with some routine but get overruled everytime by his dad offering electrical devices and loudly moaning at me.for being shouty? Don't get me wrong, I'm.not proud of being a shouty person but everything is on my fu king head and thats why ex and I have broken up. Has my DS got issues because his dad never does anything with him just puts him on devices? Or is it my fault for being strict and cautious ?

Help, I'm at breaking point with the MELTDOWNs.

Well he's likely picking up on the mixed messages, as well as the delightful message that mummy is always wrong and mean and takes the precious devices away.

A couple treating each other unkindly and unrespectfully are passing on those traits to the child. The half together half not thing isn't going to work. Your son sees the disrespect and criticism.

I think taking kids away is hard so maybe it isn't a great idea to do this with someone you are struggling with. I think also that kids don't really enjoy abroad in the way adults do. They don't care about the scenery or the food. They often can't cope with the heat and the changes to routine. They are happier with day trips in my experience.

@Eunorition you are right about the disrespect. It's very clear, and I always loose, always the bad guy. Even when he moves out thought he will.still play the good guy and I will have double the battle. I'm dreading it and want my son back 😪

I'm not convinced that going on a family holiday with someone you've split up with is going to be anything other than stressful. It's not you it's just that you're in an impossible situation and he is likely to be picking up on the tension. Lower your expectations until you get home and then try to work out next steps.

I feel like you want people to say your ex is the problem. Maybe he is, but honestly did you not know your child might react this way? Some children just find it difficult to "join in" with clubs etc.

Does your son not enjoy anything? Is there a playground/ soft play- anything he likes? my now 5yr old hated water when she was 2- literally every other kid was happily playing in the pool and she stood at the side screaming. In the end I had to put her in an intense wk of swimming classes and she now loves the water- that’s nothing you have done if he hates the pool.

My kids hate organised sports or child clubs, I’ve tried every year, and then hate them. Some kids are just more computer minded. It’s his holiday, when he is at school the rest of the year he has to sit and learn, and be ordered about - let him do what makes him happy in the hols!
And deffo stop shouting - that will cause anxiety, which is prob fuelling his fear of trying anything new…in case someone shouts at him (screens don’t shout which is why he is likely drawn to them).

I think your little one sounds over tired,hot ,bothered and a bit lost in unfamiliar surroundings, He sounds like a very normal tired little boy to me, I would lower your expectations and take your lead from your little one. x

@TeddyTrucks no I didn't. He is very social and chatty. He has been very odd and difficult for the past few weeks. Me and ex have different parenting styles and no I don't want people to say He is bad. I am merely asking whether this behaviour could be associated with constant use of tablets etc and how do I get my child back. I have also pointed a finger at myself for being shouty.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he goes swimming lessons and loves them. No idea what is going on. Lack of his friends ? No softplay, doesn't want to go on the playground either. Tempted to go home early.

It all sounds very stressful for your son. If you're finding it difficult being in this atmosphere, then it's much harder for him with the shouting, negativity and tension.

It was a terrible idea to transfer this to a holiday abroad, but you live and learn and I can understand why you wanted the moral support. Are you working towards living separately, as this seems by far and away the best solution for you both but mostly for your son? If someone is unreasonable, you can't negotiate with them, e.g. over the screen time and the discipline, they'll just overrule/ignore you.

Once he's in a calmer environment you can assess whether his behaviour is of concern or just that he needs consistency and a stress free home.

Good luck OP

How long have you been separated and does your son know you are? Could he be acting up because of his parents splitting and he's upset? Is he picking up on a bad vibe?

Did you get him really excited to be going on holiday only for him to find the reality not as exciting as he expected it to be? I remember mine saying that apart from the flying bit it's just the same as being at home and what was the excitement about?!

Is there a baby pool/paddling pool? My six year old doesn't want to spend any time time in the pool swimming but he's quite happy to spend the day running in and out of a baby pool playing with the two year olds and their toys. DP and I can lie on sun beds and just watch, he's happy just potting about and coming over to ask for an ice cream or lolly now and again.

Have you tried chilling out a bit about the devices, he is on holiday? Maybe let him lie on a sun bed for an hour with whatever device he has then suggest taking a break for an ice cream. Maybe he'd be more chilled out once he's been allowed to do what he wants.

Mine don't like kids clubs or activities either. We just chill out on sun beds and ours are happy to join in with the doing nothing. You don't need to be doing something all the time.

The issue if you've gone on holiday with someone you've just split up with.

Whose idea was that? And why are you still living with your ex?

Could he be unwell?

re start the holiday
no more shouting from mum
no more telling mummy off by dad
no looking at phones except as an activity
ask him what he thinks he could do to make the holiday more fun for everyone too
identify a menu of activities you can all do and create a timetable of activities each day.
9-9.30 - child to do x, mum to do x, dad to do y
10-10.30 - etc
include things like, reading, cinema, going to park, etc and repeat activities within the same day if they have gone well. If you want him to do an activity, you and dad take a turn first

Children struggle with change ie holidays and love routine. Let him decide what he wants to do and which one of you he wants to do it with. Allow for some flexibility but use timetable of activities as a guide, but let child change it, rather than adults. If an activity isn’t going well, sit down and eat or drink or relax on devices. Mum and dad need to model not using devices.

All you have done is transfer all the issues from home to an unfamiliar setting. I think you especially need to chill out and stop yelling him off/shouting, and stop looking to blame your husbands coping strategies

I am sure you both want your son to have a holiday of a lifetime- he may never go away with the two of you again. This doesn’t just happen, you have to create it.

Agree this approach with husband first but don’t present it as a a firm idea to child - allow him to shape it. Pick and mix ideas that might work for your family. At six my son would have been delighted to play with his dinosaurs for half an hour, knowing the next activity would be to get a milkshake etc.

Living with and holidaying with someone you’ve split up with sounds fucking awful for all of you - including your DS. I assume it’s for financial reasons but as soon as I got home I’d be working on a plan of how to properly separate in future for his sake.

Ignore any moaning and praise him for anything he does well or enjoys.

It sounds like your son is in a strange and very stressful situation and is responding like most kids would to be honest, I doubt it’s because of tablets, it’s far more likely to be due to being stuck in the middle of the two of you. Hopefully this situation calms down once your ex moves out.

There's been a lot of these threads but I don't find a holiday hell with my DS and its just us 2. There's nobody for me to swop with.

I always go back to the room though to unwind other wise it's too much of a long day.

If he doesn't like water. Then that's a no go isn't it. I don't like heights or rides and would be terrified if I was forced.

This is just a thought, do ignore it if you think it's not relevant.

DS is scared of water, doesn't want to even try to do anything in the pool.

OP You did say later in the thread (paraphrasing) that he has swimming lessons at home and loves them, so I think the problem here may be the holiday pool and the randomness of the actions of the people in it makes the whole thing for your DS totally opposite to his idea and experience of 'going to the pool' or 'going swimming'

He hates any group activities, trips, beach. Anything remotely fun is a no.

Again, how much of this is outide his experience of those activities with a similar name at home?

Maybe his reluctance is due to his mental image and lived experience of the activity being the thing he does at home and now on holiday, you're using the terminology he understands, but the reality of that experience on holiday is vastly different for him so he's floundering a bit.

Group activities on holiday won't have the people he's used to being with at group activirties at home.

The beach on holiday will look, sound and feel very different to beaches at home.

Things you think of as remotely fun to you, may be very strange and outside his comfort zone to him.

Thank you all for your responses. Lots to think about and to clarify few bits.

We have been fairly united front on holiday, definitely less shouty ( things can get a bit much at home so easy to snap but working on it). We are living together atm due do financial situation and its not going to change till recession is over - I am not risking starving or no heating if things keep going up like they are - not sustainable one 1 wage even if its a decent one.

My son does not know we broke up. We do more things individually now so slowly getting him used to not doing stuff with both of us apart from this holiday.

Some really good suggestions, I will tone it down and ask for his favourite things to do. If he wants to just relax in the room so be it - I Have already told ex that he can go off on his own if he doesn't like that. His moaning about DS has been putting me on edge as trying to keep the peace but no more, ex is an adult and can deal with his own shit.

Help much appreciated 🙏 ❤️