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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not my problem?

25 replies

wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 14:56

About ten years ago my DM decided to sell her perfectly good house and move into a mobile home that isn't residential, because it has nice views and is low maintenance.

The whole family encouraged her to think carefully about it because she can only stay there 11 months of the year, but she insisted she would sort herself out, book herself a holiday every year when she needs to move out and we didn't need to worry!

Anyway, since she moved in she's not once sorted herself out, and has ended up staying with me or my sister, or one of her friends. It's just not convenient for me to have her here, we wfh and DH doesn't get on with her that well either (he's very quiet and she's quite gregarious).

Anyway she's now moaning about the heat in there (she came round yesterday and clearly wanted to hang out here all day as it's cooler), and she moans about the cold in the winter, and if she leaves it til the last minute this year to sort out accommodation I'll scream.

In my mind, she put herself in this position by choice and I (and the rest of the family) shouldn't have to put ourselves out every year. Aibu?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 12/08/2022 15:03

Not unreasonable as such, obviously it was her choice to move there but surely between your sister and friend plus maybe a weeks holiday somewhere you would only have to put her up for a week? I'm not sure I could begrudge a family member a bed for a week.

Somethingsnappy · 12/08/2022 15:17

Although I understand your frustration that you foresaw the problems, I do think it's sad that having your mum to stay for a week is such a problem.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/08/2022 15:19

Say no then.

Original poster
wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 15:34

Somethingsnappy · 12/08/2022 15:17

Although I understand your frustration that you foresaw the problems, I do think it's sad that having your mum to stay for a week is such a problem.

It's not a week, it's a month.

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 12/08/2022 15:34

Your spare room needs a new title..
The Dcat's room
The Study
The Laundry Room..
Get rid of the bed!!

Essexgalttc · 12/08/2022 15:37

wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 15:34

It's not a week, it's a month.

Show quote history

OP I agree with you here. She’s your mother and of course a week wouldn’t hurt once a year but a month is quite a long time and can affect your routine.

Could you have her stay one week, sister another week, holiday the next etc?

Original poster
wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 15:42

Could you have her stay one week, sister another week, holiday the next etc?

That's probably what we will end up doing (she won't get round to booking a holiday, and the friend she used to stay with died a couple of years ago so it's just down to me/sister) the trouble is sister lives an hour away so the preference/convenience factor is me. I'm just annoyed that I'm obligated to put her up when she had a house (and could now get an apartment/bungalow but cba)

OP posts:
munchiemarie · 12/08/2022 15:46

Turn your spare room into an office or games room. Get rid of the bed.

Original poster
wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 15:50

munchiemarie · 12/08/2022 15:46

Turn your spare room into an office or games room. Get rid of the bed.

It's not that straightforward, I have SC that use the beds occasionally when they stay at weekends - it would be inconvenient to get rid.

OP posts:
FizzyFucker · 12/08/2022 15:56

Get ahead of it, tell her now that you "don't have the space for her to move in for a month so what does she have arranged?"
Be immobile on the subject.

FangsForTheMemory · 12/08/2022 15:59

If she can afford to buy a flat, I wouldn't agree to putting her up until she does so.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/08/2022 16:01

Have you asked her outright why she hasn't sorted this out?

It's not fair on your to expect you to her up for a month straight.

Tell her she needs to make alternative arrangements, as suggested when she bought the bloody mobile home/caravan.

neverbeenskiing · 12/08/2022 16:04

YANBU. I would find it very difficult to tolerate a house guest for a whole month, however much I loved them. The fact that your DM and DH don't get on makes it especially tricky. I would try to talk to her again about getting a flat or bungalow, if she's finding the heat in there difficult now might be a good time to raise the issue?

Ilikewinter · 12/08/2022 16:05

If shes been doing this for the last 10 years then i would think you'll need to be quite direct with her as she obviously sees no issues with it, out of interest what will she do as she gets older and needs care, she cant be registered for GP, post etc at the caravan address as its not residential.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 12/08/2022 16:08

We just don't stay family or have family stay with us and haven't for 15 years. Yanbu. These issues are well known with this kind of home.

Anniefrenchfry · 12/08/2022 16:09

Why don’t you just source her some local air b n bs and send her links?

HandbagsnGladrags · 12/08/2022 16:10

Where do your stepkids stay when your mother is staying then? Does that mean they can't come when she's there? In which case you've got yourself a cast iron reason.

Skyeheather · 12/08/2022 16:19

Contact some local hotels, see if they will do her a deal for a month long stay.

What month is it she has to leave? How old is she? Can she afford a month long holiday? Lots of English seaside hotels allow pensioners to stay for an extended amount of time off-peak. There's usually activities for them to do as well. Get her some brochures, send her the links.....

Zombiemum1946 · 12/08/2022 16:20

Full and Frank discussion about this and how it'll only get worse as she ages. She sounds like a bit of a dreamer who relies on others to fix things for her.

Lydia777 · 12/08/2022 16:31

This reminds me of the recent thread about the culture regarding older people in the UK.

I think this thread is so sad but very much a cultural think in the UK. As someone from a different country, I think the fact that your mother is 'not your problem' is very sad but definably a UK cultural trait. I don't think people from the UK realize how vastly different the attitude towards family is there compared to most other countries.

Fluffyboo · 12/08/2022 16:49

wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 15:42

Could you have her stay one week, sister another week, holiday the next etc?

That's probably what we will end up doing (she won't get round to booking a holiday, and the friend she used to stay with died a couple of years ago so it's just down to me/sister) the trouble is sister lives an hour away so the preference/convenience factor is me. I'm just annoyed that I'm obligated to put her up when she had a house (and could now get an apartment/bungalow but cba)

Just say no

willingtolearn · 12/08/2022 16:55

@Lydia777

It cuts both ways though - many children are expected to be independent here from a young age, with less support in young adulthood.

There is also variation in terms of helping out with childcare - the attitude that 'I've done my childrearing' is not unfamiliar.

If older adults want to have their retirement free and unconstrained of family ties/involvement then they have to consider the downsides of that.

diddl · 12/08/2022 17:11

I think it's not the fact that it might only be a week, it's that she deliberately leaves it & relies on others.

She chose to live somewhere that is available only 11 months of the year.

If she sold a house for a caravan she could probably easily afford to stay somewhere-I'm guessing that she doesn't want to!

I'd offer to help her book somewhere or look into moving to somewhere she can live full time.

Original poster
wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 23:20

HandbagsnGladrags · 12/08/2022 16:10

Where do your stepkids stay when your mother is staying then? Does that mean they can't come when she's there? In which case you've got yourself a cast iron reason.

They just don't come (they're young adults)

OP posts:
Original poster
wayuptoohigh · 12/08/2022 23:22

Lydia777 · 12/08/2022 16:31

This reminds me of the recent thread about the culture regarding older people in the UK.

I think this thread is so sad but very much a cultural think in the UK. As someone from a different country, I think the fact that your mother is 'not your problem' is very sad but definably a UK cultural trait. I don't think people from the UK realize how vastly different the attitude towards family is there compared to most other countries.

Tbf, I do loads for her. I take her to appointments, cook meals for her, check in on her regularly. I just don't want her staying here when she's basically made herself homeless through choice for one month of the year.

OP posts:
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