AIBU to expect them to visit us

[Mango357]

Short main point

Have named changed. Feeling sad about this but the few people I've spoken too are 50/50 about the event as a single event we can't say we are disappointed as they also wouldn't travel that far just for 2 nights unless they absolutely had too

(overall due to the history they admit I am not being unreasonable to be upset)

In laws were travelling about 4 to 5 hours for family member birthday party which we would have been at so they would have seen us then.

They were staying at the persons house for two nights. Birthday party is cancelled so we said that's a shame but still be lovely to see you and of course can stay with us instead. Response no thanks we will stay at home instead as was only coming up for the birthday party.

History
They visit family member all the time but don't come to visit us despite inviting/offering/asking.

They only really see us (and their grandchild) if we go to events that they are already doing when they are visiting the family member e.g. birthday parties but they spend the whole week with family member/other grandchild. Unless we visit them where they live (which with young child travelling 4 to 5 hours is hard to fit in so we have to take Al and try to do this a few times a year - and really do love seeing them bond with their grandchild and spend quality time with them) or fit in with their plans when they are staying with family member (an hour away and also they drive past us to get to them).

Basically I am ready to shout scream cry why don't you care about spending time with us (grandchild actually) as much as you do the other ones. But a few people are saying this isn't the right event to kick off about as it's reasonable they don't want to travel that far for 2 nights only.

This comes up on mumsnet a lot. There is an expectation (not an unreasonable one) that members of a family will show interest in our children. Why do you want your kids to be around adults that don't seem to give a damn.

The sad truth is that some members of families just aren't that interested. Spend your time with family and friends that are. 😊

As a single event, the party was cancelled, them cancelling their trip is to be expected.

As a pattern of behaviour, I would not surprised if you're feeling annoyed, hurt, or resentful about this. However, you can't force someone to be the person you want them to be. In an ideal world they would probably be putting more effort in to the relationship. But if they don't want to be an involved grandparent, you can't force that. Trying will only cause you more stress.I would pull back a bit, for your own peace. Match their level of effort, and save your time and energy for those around you who care more.

I know and I am always telling my friend who had in law issues the same and she is to me. Just hard when your in it. I think if they didn't pay any effort to any of the grandchildren then fair enough. But they do significantly put alot more effort into the other grandchild and that's what hurts. Thank you

Thank you. Yes I think your right there is no point getting upset especially as if we did they would make out we are crazy to expect them to visit for 2 nights for no real reason. But reality it's the history that makes us feel sad.

At the end of the day, you are being protective of your child and it will be you that will have to explain why they don't come and visit or want to spend time with them. Especially as they have to drive past you to get to someone else's house etc. I wouldn't bother getting upset and accept that they are not going to change. I bet your child have plenty of others around them that want to spend time with your child. At the end of the day, the grandparents can't turn around and say, you haven't made an effort when you stop trying to get them to take an interest in your child. Yanbu. It hurts, I've been there with my 2 and it makes your heart hurt so much for them!

Same here, I live one town over approximately a 15 minute drive and my parents never ever visit my child, but when my sister lived 2 hours away with her children they visited frequently ( I’m talking at least once every few weeks, they now live locally again) They take those grandchildren on holiday, on days out, weekends away etc. My heart breaks that my DD doesn’t get a look in to any of these wonderful things and the relationship that the other grandchildren have with them. I feel for you I really do.