AIBU to have not moved on/ask how to move on?

[Cherrystrawbs]

I feel quite desperate. I broke up with my ex bf 3 years ago. We were only going out for a year and it wasn’t a great relationship. 3 years on and I still feel sad about it - not crying every night type sad but a real deep melancholiness and a pining for him.

how do I get over this? I don’t want to keep feeling this way? I want to move on. I’ve had therapy and whilst it’s helped, I still have this yearning inside. I know we weren’t meant to be and we weren’t a good relationship. How can I move on?

Do you still see him or have him on social media?

Perhaps it will take a bit longer. Not everybody gets over their exes quickly. It used to take me a year but I am done with relationships. It is much easier on my own without a manchild. What can a man possibly offer that we cannot sort out easier on our own!

No I don’t see him or have him on social media. This just isn’t normal, is it?

I’m sorry you’re finding this so hard. What is it you think you’re yearning for? Him? The life plans you had? Being in a relationship?

Yes YABU to yourself. You need more therapy. Being in mourning for an old relationship is a brilliant way to prevent yourself from having a new one. But presumably a therapist has already told you that.
Have you asked yoruself what is behind the sadness - is it fear of loneliness, is it a reinforcement of his rejection of you ('he left me so I must be unlovable' sort of mindset.)

There's so many things you can do to improve the situation but none of them will work unless you choose to try and move on.

But here are some examples anyway:
Decide you don't want to date anyone for a year. Spend the next year focusing on self care and resilience and self-reliance and self love. Learn to have fun by yourself, respect yourself, make a bucket list of things to do by yourself. After a year, see if life has improved and you are ready to date again.
Or
Go on lots of casual dates and tell yourself you aren't looking for a relationship. Join Hinge or one of those sites that aren't full of men just after a ONS. Meet for dates, go home alone at the end of the night, only go on second dates if you like the person. Remind yourself it can be fun.
Or
Take up a couple of new hobbies that get you out into the world - hiking or running or cycling or kayaking. Give yourself a year to make some new friends from these activities and try to widen your social circle. Not to meet a man but to gain social confidence. Then if you do meet someone, you are not the unhappy worried ex girlfriend of your ex, but someone who is thriving.

If the relationship wasn't good why do you pine for it? Why would you want something for yourself that wasn't a good relationship? You deserve an incredible relationship not a mediocre one.

Can't you try to reframe the situation and think 'thank goodness I got out of a relationship that wasn't good for me and made space for something much better to come along'.

Why not focus on you instead of thinking about an ex? Do something nice for yourself, do things that make you feel positive and fulfilled.

That’s a really good question. I think I’m yearning for a different life; for the relationship I want and for a man somewhat similar to him. I saw our relationship as an escape from a sad situation I was in and when it didn’t work out, I resigned myself to staying in my previous situation.

I think that’s what the sadness and the yearning is for and about. I see that last relationship almost as my last chance or opportunity for happiness. I worry I won’t get that again.

I desperately want to be in a loving relationship; to love deeply and fiercely and to feel loved in that way in return. I want to feel like I matter to someone and to feel cherished by them and I want someone who I can actively build a future with. I want to feel happy and alive and excited by tomorrow and the plans I have with that person and myself - not completely overwhelmed with apathy and a dreary dread of trying to live each day. My previous relationships have been so passive.

Why can't you still have all of those things with a new person? Do you date or get chance to socialise with new people?

Be careful of seeing any relationship as an escape or your only chance of happiness - those are big expectations to put on someone and may also lead you to put people on a pedestal when they don't deserve it or haven't earned it.

I felt really sad about my ex for a good 25 years. Largely because I never met anyone else who I loved. Honestly the best thing is to get back out there and try again, if you meet someone else you’ll feel instantly better.

Yabu

yearn for this guy all you want but it’s such a waste of your time and life

you also mentioned feeling desperate - people can see those things a mile off - maybe this is why you aren’t in a relationship

Yes op. An abusive relationship where the abuse won't stop.

From your answer, it seems you’re not yearning for him, but for what he represented (moving on from a previous situation,

Ah crap. Most of my post has disappeared. I basically said that you don’t need him to be happy. Where do you find sparks of excitement in your current life? How could you develop those?

I think you need to reframe this, OP.

You are not pining for what you had, you're pining for what you thought you had.

This may help :