To say to my partner that I don’t think that we should carry on?

[PPlantPot]

I’ve been in a long term relationship. We have had many ups and downs. The majority is downs were caused by some factors that were out of our control or due to his indecisiveness… and in all fairness some things were my fault.

I’m finding his lack of commitment to certain things unbearable now. It’s always a ‘maybe’ ‘possibly’ or a ‘perhaps’

and it’s not just with me he has this attitude towards everything in life.

Whilst I love him, I’ve been really struggling to put up with this. We have 0 plans for the future and that makes me sad.

I have to respect that I can’t force him into anything (not that I would want to) but am I right to think that we have been together for 7years yet hasn’t made any plans for the future so because of that this is no longer working for me?

As in children, marriage, house?

or won’t even commit to booking dinner or holiday?

What are your future plans?

Yup no discussion about marriage, children or house… holiday plans are forced by my and alway very late minute. Like I can’t remember if we ever booked anything 2 weeks in advance.

I would like a plan. I would like kids in the next couple of years and looking at buying instead of renting. I would like a dog and to be engaged. I don’t care about a wedding but I would like to be fully committed and married.

Ps I have tried to talk to him about certain bits (not all at once) but it’s a very busy time for him workwise and I can see him not fully engaging. I’m reluctant to talk about getting engaged. I feel kinda ashamed that I would be after a ring or asking or forcing anything

After 7 years there is nothing wrong in putting your cards on the table.

I think so too… I want both of us to be happy and I’m just getting to the conclusion that if we don’t want the same thing

He is coasting. Don’t waste your life on him.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

God I love making plans. Don’t deprive yourself of that a day longer.

You sound clear about walking away, it’s the right decision.

Plan something lovely for yourself!

I don’t know if he is coasting. If he is than he is coasting with his whole life (which I probably more like the case) and it a little sad to be fair.

I’m strong right now but I will break soon. I am genuinely so sad about this

I haven’t found that people change, so the question is if you still want to be living this life in 5/10/20 years time ?

YANBU. Also, don’t let anyone persuade you that this is giving him an ultimatum - plan a wedding or you’ll leave - because it isn’t. It’s simply an important adult conversation that you need to have about the mismatch between you: you need a sense of direction and a person who plans things then commits to them, whereas he just drifts forward with no thoughts further ahead than a fortnight away. Either he meets you half way, or he accepts that you deserve a partner who you are more compatible with as you plan the rest of your life.

Sorry OP sounds like a nightmare

My sister is in this situation and its not easy
If you really want all these things and he did too - I think the wheels would have moved forward by now

@LimeTwists thank you… I’m scared of the conversation and the future.

i think he struggles too… not with our relationship necessarily but I can see that he is a little lost with his life.

Thanks @Ilovemycat1
bless your sister, I hope things will work out for her!

we will see how the conversation pans out. I need to get my thoughts cleared out tho and I feel like that may take a couple days. I’m going to give myself the weekend to reflect.

I think in the earlier stages of your relationship where you were getting to know personalities and falling in love, this indecisiveness and lack of making plans wouldn’t have necessarily been apparent. It has taken the seven years and seeing that you’ve not moved forward in the ways you would like to see that this is a part of DPs personality and a part that you don’t feel as compatible with. What you are asking is not unreasonable, to feel like you will plan together and not have the joy of having made plans taken away. Also if you want marriage and kids then you need to lay this out. Just on the grounds of what you want not being unreasonable there could be hope here, he just needs to have what you want spelled out and seriously think if that’s what he wants too.

Everything you've said on here is perfectly fine to say to him. You're clear, concise, no need to pander to how he may feel hearing them, like a pp said, lay your cards on the table, but don't let him fob you off with "well maybe in the next...." or "well I was thinking of asking......." because he'll only be doing it to keep you with him and most likely just carry on going how he is now and not actually change. You're got a right to live a life the way you want it.

I’m reluctant to talk about getting engaged. I feel kinda ashamed that I would be after a ring or asking or forcing anything

why on earth would you feel ashamed about saying what you want? You aren’t living in a Jane Austin novel! Women are allowed to have as much agency as men these days, you know?

sorry you are going through this OP. I’ve been there, and believe me it’s not worth wasting a minute more of your time. Tell him what you need from a relationship. If he can’t provide that, fine, you are off to find someone who will.

x