To not want to tell MIL

[roorooA]

Please help me out...

5 years ago I was pregnant with a very high risk baby (got pregnant with coil in situ). We told both sets of Grandparents as soon as we found out and kindly asked them not to tell anyone. The pregnancy was variable and we have an amazing child now.

MIL has since told me (bragged) that she couldn't keep it to herself, as she was so excited and told 2 of her friends and 2 of her sisters.

We are currently TTC and I have told my other half I do not want to tell parents (mine included) until we are 12 weeks. I don't want people knowing before my DC does and he 100% can't be trusted to keep quiet.

He thinks it isn't fair and we should tell them straight away, am I being unreasonable?

Absolutely not. Don't tell DH til 12 weeks if that's what he thinks! Your body.

Yanbu. 'Fair' ? What exactly isn't fair. Your body, your choice.

Your DH needs to back you up. It's your personal health and you have every right to your privacy.

not sure what he means by 'it isnt fair'? It is not unusual for parents to wait until the 12 week scan before telling friends and family. When siblings are involved they should be the first to know. Tell your DH to grow up- he sounds like a petulant DC

undecided, I think OP’s DH would notice well before the absence of three menstrual periods, no?!

You get to decide here- it’s your body and your health. My DH understood that.

Don't tell them early.

I hate when people can't keep things to themselves. She's proven to not be able to keep a secret.

Totally fair, a lot of people wait until after the 12 week scan (or even longer, after they've received the results of any tests) to let people know they're pregnant, including family.

What exactly does your OH think is 'unfair' about waiting to tell them?

I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant and we didn't tell anyone not even our parents until after the 12 week scan. I honestly think it's up to each couple but it's nice having that special news to keep between each other for a few weeks, I don't see why people feel the need to tell their families right away. It's not being unfair, it's your news!

We didn't tell anyone until I was 12 weeks - apart from DD.

Don't reward her bad behaviour. It will only encourage her

We wanted to tell our older kid(s) about the new baby before we told anyone else. And after having one miscarriage and having to try and explain that to a little kid because we were naive and hadn't thought to keep the pregnancy a secret, we waited until 12 weeks with my second son and a bit longer with my daughter (during the pandemic, so everything felt more uncertain) before we told them. And then the kids told everyone else for us... So I'd definitely wait if I were you.

Does your husband definitely know that many pregnancies end in miscarriage, the risk of which drops significantly after 12 weeks, which is why people often wait that long to tell people? It's not just a tradition or whatever. Maybe understanding that more clearly would help him see your point of view?

He’s wrong and this being about your body you get to decide.

YABU

It's not just your news to share

He can tell who he likes, as can you

YANBU.

It is your body, and your medical information until the point the baby is born.

If your DH is going to share your medical details as he sees fit, don’t tell him either.

I'm pretty sure if I wanted to I could either hide it from DH or fake it.

Definitely keep it quiet until 12 weeks, we didn't tell ILs before tie 12 week scan because we knew MIL wouldn't be able to keep it to herself

No, you are being perfectly reasonable. And based on experience, too.

It's not just a whim on your part. Your MIL told you herself that she broke the confidence you'd entrusted her with before, and was proud of doing it.

I'd tell the grandparents around the same time that you tell your DC, but after you've told him first. As he's 5 you can easily frame it (if your DH STILL doesn't get why your privacy should be respected) as "DC will be very hurt if he finds out from Granny and not us" or "...if he finds out Granny and Grandad knew before him".

Do you think your DH might promise to keep it a secret and then "accidentally" "let it slip" to his mother?

But you certainly aren't being unreasonable. Very best wishes to you. x

Pretty normal not to tell anyone until 12 weeks, even without the history of telling someone who then admitted they didn't keep it to themselves as you had asked.

Thank you all for your replies!

Exactly this!⬆️

His attitude is ridiculous. Stand your ground. Hope all goes well for you. X

What does he mean by fair, how does he not know that you don't have to tell anyone that you're pregnant?

Is he usually a bit stupid or an you give him a pass for a one off example

it's not his place to decide and it's not his body. his mum has already proved untrustworthy on this matter so she has no right to know before 12 weeks as she has form for not respecting your wishes and privacy.