Do you like spending time with your mum's friends?

[Cranarc]

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with a mother who shows narcissistic tendencies. (I'm now in my 50s if that makes any difference or gives context.)

I'm currently trying to navigate our relationship in a way that allows contact to be maintained without completely driving me bonkers.

One aspect of my mother that has always bugged me is her desire to play "happy families" in public. She requires us to attend her parties/functions/church fetes etc even if we have no interest in attending or don't even know the people who will be there.

I have started resisting these summons to attend. It is not going down well and I fully expect her to ask why at some point, or to try to put her foot down. I am wondering whether IABU and should just grit my teeth and attend.

Because I have no experience of what a normal mother/daughter relationship might entail, I'd be really grateful if those of you who like spending time with your mum could tell me if you also like spending time with your mum's friends as one big, happy friendship group.

YABU - I like spending time with mum's friends and am always happy to be invited. I don't see it as a chore.

YANBU - I like spending time with mum but she does not expect me to spend time with her friends and I don't expect to be invited.

It's not unreasonable for your mother to invite you to parties where she is also inviting her friends. It is not unreasonable for you to decline the invitation.

I wouldn't want to do this, unless maybe there are mobility issues/care needs, that mean you need to transport her for her to get there? But as you've written it, no, or certainly only occasionally.

YABU

But my relationship with my mother sounds a lot better than yours

I genuinely consider my mum one of my closest friends, and her friends are bloody wild - have a better time out with them than my own friends half the time!!

No.
I do not enjoy spending time with her, she has no friends so that’s not an issue.
I feel OBLIGATED to take her shopping and check she’s ok but that’s it.

I have neither the time, patience or desire to be in her presence any longer than necessary.

She’s dead now, but there were maybe 2 of her friends I’d like to see, because I had known them since I was very small. I wasn’t invited to their catch-ups though. Just that if I knew they were at mum’s for lunch or whatnot and I was in the neighbourhood I’d pop in to say hi.

Beyond that, no. She did her own thing with friends she’d made later in life.

My mum only has one close friend really, but yes I like hanging out with them as a group and have seen her 1 on 1 as well.

But she was a big part of my childhood not just a random.

My mum has a couple of friends who I’ve known my entire life and so I would happily spend time in their company. My mum would never go to the types of events you’ve listed though and nor would I. The most contact I would ever have with her friends would be a cuppa if I happened to be visiting at the same time! She would never summon me to anything though.

She requires us to attend her parties/functions/church fetes etc even if we have no interest in attending or don't even know the people who will be there.

I think the key word here is 'requires'. I think that's the dysfunctional element of this. If she said 'It's the church fete on Sunday, if you wanted to drop in and say hello' or 'I'm having barbecue next month, everyone's welcome and you're all invited too if you're not busy' that would be totally normal and fine.

But if she considers it essential that you attend every social event she arranges or goes to, and makes it clear that you are expected to attend whether you want to or not, that's obviously a very different thing.

My mum loves introducing me to her friends and neighbours, but it comes from a place of pride and wanting to show us off, but we'd never get a summons from her to a random event for that purpose! It's more like I'll be at her house over the weekend and she'll see one of her neighbours and say 'Oooh, come and meet my lovely daughter!' and I am tremendously embarrassed but at the same time it's quite cute. But this doesn't sound like what your mum's doing.

My mum, who died a few years ago, had some lovely friends. Mum never made me play ‘happy families’ and we would often go shopping or out to lunch with her friends when I visited her.

I’ve kept in touch with quite a few of them.

In fact, one is coming to stay with me for two weeks next month. And I’m really looking forward to it!!!

I'd only attend events etc if my mum were hosting or performing, eg, birthday or her choir.

I meet her friends if me visiting coincides with them visiting. They're nice people but they are her friends not mine.

I like my mum's friends, but she doesn't generally invite me to spend time with them other than something like a birthday or anniversary party. So inviting you to hang out with her is not normal, I'd say - but one way or another you shouldn't be under any onus to accept.

My mum had great taste in friends! Really interesting people, I always enjoyed catching up with them. She was also friends with people from a wide range of agessome younger than me. So yes, I was happhy to go to parties, picnics whatever where my mum's friends would be there.

My mum doesn’t have any friends

Well not in your circumstances. But yes my sisters (I live in another country) are still in touch and invite over friends of my mothers and she's been dead for seven years! They were really family friends and it's nice to still have that connection with her for all of us. It's from genuine fondness and affection - no ulterior motives.