AIBU to get annoyed by this?

[Covidpositive19]

It's a DH one.

DH is so forgetful. He is nowhere near as useless as many of the DH/DPs I read about on here, nor that I know of in RL (but then I would never put with half the stuff some of my friends and relatives put up with).

We have a shared holiday property, every time without fail he leaves several things there. It's not the end of the world as we can get them back, but this wouldn't be the case if it wasn't a shared property. I tend to take responsibility for packing clothes and cleaning the property, and he takes responsibility for packing miscellaneous stuff we bring. I repeatedly ask him whether we have everything and do a quick sweep myself, but he tidies things into odd places (hates mess) so this time for example, he's left all of our lunchboxes there which must've been squirrelled into a cupboard.

This is typical of our lives. Something is always forgotten, sometimes trivial things like lunchboxes, but sometimes things like shoes, or bike locks, bike helmets, so we have to buy more. We lose a lot in our own house thanks to his absent minded tidy obsession; important stuff that is expensive to replace like birth certificates, as well as trivial but annoying stuff like food ingredients, decorations, DC clothes.

My problem with all this is he gets so narked when I point out that it would be good if we didn't forget something every single time and acts as if I'm the meanest person in the world. He can't handle anything that remotely resembles criticism.

However, I know I have high standards and can be very blunt. AIBU to point these things out? Do other people just let them go to avoid arguments? I'm not someone who avoids conflict.

What’s he like when he realises he’s made a mistake? If he accepts he’s made a mistake and isn’t trying to justify it or blame someone else, what’s the point in banging on at him about it? He doesn’t do it on purpose, and some people genuinely struggle with things like this. Could he be dyslexic or dyspraxic or something along those lines that makes organisation difficult? He will already feel the consequences of being forgetful.

If you’re being blunt and pointing out his mistakes just for the sake of you being right and letting him know he’s wrong, then that does sound mean tbh.

I am a: everything has a place and if it's not in that place it is in the place i last left it (rather than just put away into the nearest drawer)
DH is a put everything into the nearest drawer even if it makes absolutely zero sense

It's difficult to negotiate but we have reached the stage where if i put something down it generally stays there until i put it away. If i have to search random drawers and find it put away there is "robust discussion".

In your case, OP, I'd just let it go. Something missing and you know it was down to him forgetting it? His problem to rectify. And if it's because it's a lunchbox you need for DCs for the next day? still his problem. Just tell him to sort it and walk away.

He can’t help forgetting. It’s like saying “stop having brown eyes” to someone: nothing they can do about it. But what he can do is a better job of packing and checking before you leave, and to start writing things down.

Basically I think it depends how you word the criticism to him. If you’re having a go at him for forgetting then YABU, but you’re not UR to expect him to check/search better or do other coping strategies like writing lists/taking photos.

I am absent-minded, particularly about spatial/physical things like where I've put things, whether I've switched a light off, what things I have or haven't put in my bag etc.

Here's the thing, though: I can't help it.

Nobody likes losing or forgetting things. Nobody does it on purpose. It's annoying for me too and it makes me feel like shit.

Sometimes we just need to recognise that we have different strengths and weaknesses. When we travel, DP will always be the one to check all the rooms/cupboards, to remind me to check I've got everything I need in my bag etc, because he is good at that and I'm not.

Similarly, I do all the cooking because I'm a creative cook who can make a nice meal out of whatever's in the house with zero planning, while DP needs a detailed recipe to cook an egg on toast. I also do all the gardening because DP is absolutely useless at it and just gets stressed by things like mud and slugs.

@Brefugee my husband is like yours. We do have proper places for things but he just puts things in really random places and then forgets that he has ever seen them, let alone where he has put them! And he will put away stuff that should be in the bin/recycled, like empty envelopes. I think I will have to have an agreement with him as to a) where things belong b) things that need to be binned and c) what to do with things when he can't remember where they go.

@10HailMarys
Nobody likes losing or forgetting things. Nobody does it on purpose. It's annoying for me too and it makes me feel like shit.

Sure, but do you leave it up to someone else to sort out the problem you have created? or do you own up to it and provide the solution?

Part of the solution is, of course, not to move things that don't belong to you or you didn't put there. Then everyone's things are exactly where they left them (including the forgetful person's - but it is up to them to find them) and nobody has to go hunting around for things.

I have always been like this and was diagnosed with ADD as an adult. I’m not at all saying that’s the case here but I do remember so many people getting g frustrated with me and my forgetfulness (and I totally understand their view point) but it’s something I really struggle to get control over. I have multiple techniques for trying to minimise it and some help but it’s still an issue sometimes. I try to make it a habit to do several “sweeps” before I leave anywhere I won’t get back to (like a hotel room), I check all cupboards/under beds/anywhere I might have randomly put something. It’s not your responsibility obviously but maybe you could offer to help with this in the future and it might help both of you.

Sure, but do you leave it up to someone else to sort out the problem you have created? or do you own up to it and provide the solution?

@Brefugee It isn't like that, though. The point is that I am unaware of having created the problem. If I knew I'd created a problem, I'd have fixed it myself. But if we were to get home from a holiday and DP said 'Where's the towels? Did you leave them in a drawer? Why didn't you pack them?' there isn't any solution I can offer because I wasn't aware of having made the mistake in the first place.

Yesterday, DP came in my office at home and said 'You left the light on in the bathroom'. To which I couldn't offer any solution other than to say 'Oh, did I? Sorry.' Clearly I didn't leave the light on deliberately and if I'd been aware that it was on I'd have switched it off. I'm not doing it to annoy him on purpose.

As for 'don't move things or put them away', that's fine, if the other person doesn't mind doing all the tidying up themselves so they know where things are, or doesn't mind living in chaos.

I tend to take responsibility for packing clothes and cleaning the property, and he takes responsibility for packing miscellaneous stuff we bring.

Sounds like your jobs are not particularly suited to your strengths? Why don’t you take charge of ALL packing - clothes + miscellaneous items, and he can clean thoroughly.

We lose a lot in our own house thanks to his absent minded tidy obsession; important stuff that is expensive to replace like birth certificates, as well as trivial but annoying stuff like food ingredients, decorations, DC clothes.

Several* *things to reflect on here. Do you have proper homes for things - does everything have a place? If so, does your DH know where those places are? Has he helped to create and maintain the system? Is he bought into it - and if not, why not?

Alternatively, do you have no system at all and the house is generally untidy/messy? (No judgement, my house isn’t perfectly organised and we struggle with this.) If this is the case you need to work together on solutions.

My problem with all this is he gets so narked when I point out that it would be good if we didn't forget something every single time and acts as if I'm the meanest person in the world. He can't handle anything that remotely resembles criticism.

No one enjoys criticism. The way you’ve phrased it isn’t great. It would be better to ask “What can we all do to make this better?” Not “You always get this wrong.” See above for solutions-focused conversations. No one is perfect, after all. Make sure you haven’t fallen into a trap of under appreciating what he does do.

A simple solution to someone who likes things tidy and “absent-mindedly” tidied up stuff that another person hasn’t finished with is to agree a place that all things get tidied to, which is then checked and emptied/put away properly regularly by the “messier” person/people.

E.g. baskets for each child. A big basket for all paperwork. A tub or spot for currently homeless equipment/cooking ingredients in the kitchen.

This system works if both people acknowledge the other’s tendency (to tidy up/to leave things out but want them eventually stored ‘properly’) and modifies just a small amount of their own behaviour (to tidy to one agreed place/to check daily and put away).

But if we were to get home from a holiday and DP said 'Where's the towels? Did you leave them in a drawer? Why didn't you pack them?' there isn't any solution I can offer because I wasn't aware of having made the mistake in the first place.
There is a solution: say you’ll sort it and then either get the towels back or replace the towels. Also, making and checking a packing list next time would be a solution, even if you have to ask for help with it. And being proactive in asking your DP to double check a room that you’ve just checked before you leave.

Yesterday, DP came in my office at home and said 'You left the light on in the bathroom'. To which I couldn't offer any solution other than to say 'Oh, did I? Sorry.'
Saying you’ll go and turn it off now. I’m sure he already would have but at least it shows responsibility and action.

I think it is ok to mention it, but I also think you are making a bit much of his flaw. Well unless you have no flaws yourself, but in the grand scheme, it doesn’t seem like it is a particularly bad personality flaw.

The point is that I am unaware of having created the problem

but when you are made aware that you have created the problem? do you wave it away with a blythe "oh I'm so absent minded" or do you go and fix it? In your examples either packing the towels or going and switching the light off.

And maybe working out how you can avoid these thigs? such as making packing lists in your phone, or putting a yellow sticky note on the door?

For me it isn't the forgetting as such (although i suspect you would drive me potty, sorry) it is the reaction to being told that you have, yet again, inconvenienced someone.

The thing that stands out to me is that he tidies things away into random places.

That woudl drive me mad. So the way I would deal with it is to have a place for EVERYTHING. Literally everything has a place. Then it is tidied in to that place or you are entitlted to be angry. Putting things away in the nearest drawer is a nightmare scenario.
But also in a holiday cottage, someone, usually the most methodical person, goes round, opens every drawer and door and checks everything is packed.
My kids are old enough to pack their own bags, but the night before we leave we still together check all the drawers and cupboards in their room and eveyrthing gest taken out and put next to their bag. That way a visual sweep of the room will find things left behind.
Nowadays my youngest dd is the checker, as she hates to lose anything.