Partner developed and concealed addiction

[purplegal]

Ok so it's only vaping - not heroine! I know it could be much much worse. We are expecting our first child together in a few weeks. We were running out to NCT and I went through his work bag to grab a notebook (couldn't find one anywhere - don't usually go in his bag) and I found lots of boxes and disposable vapes. He smoked when he was in his early twenties a lifetime before we met. He's now 42. I was just really shocked to be honest, that he had kept it from me for what turns out to be for months. I asked him and his immediate reaction was to say 'they were from ages ago' we both knew he was lying. Drove the whole way to NCT in silence- I wanted him to explain! But he didnt. After our class he didn't mention it. Eventually I addressed the elephant in the room and he just said that he is embarrassed and annoyed that he has allowed himself to become addicted to nicotine again. He has been stressed with work and home and it was an outlet. He lied because of this embarrassment. I found out recently he lied about money matters (again- hence some of the stress at home) although we are sorting through these issues and have a plan, this is still quite raw though! I just feel like I can't trust him now- how do you have a relationship when you don't trust him?!
It's more 'am I making more of this than it is' then being unreasonable really. Hormones are raging!! X

It's more the fact that it was so easy for him to lie to me and it is becoming a pattern- then the vaping!

It's annoying and I'd feel a bit miffed but I do think you're over reacting a bit. Like you said it's more compounding the money issue which is a bigger deal to me.

You're not wrong to be upset with him, but I wouldn't be rethinking the relationship I'd simply ask him to maybe ask the GP for help to quit again.

There seems to be a lot of lying here. Frm experience the lies you discover will be the tip of the iceberg. It might be worth couples counselling if he is reluctant to communicate. My former partner lied about drug addiction, smoking, money and it turned out the one lie he kept hidden was a porn addiction. I wish we had sought help sooner.

@purplegal

Definitely!!

if there's no trust, there's nothing.

I'd be having a very serious discussion about the lack of trust you now have. Explain you can handle anything but lies. If he tells you the truth about stuff you can get through it together. any more lies and it's over. He needs to understand it's the lying that's the real problem, not the money, not the vaping (but they do need to be address too, but you can do it together).

If I ever caught him lying again, no matter how minor, he'd be GONE.

it's going to take a while to feel you can trust him.

that's if you still love him & want to be with him anyway, you can end it anytime you want. Your baby will only be happy if you are, it does children no good for parents to stay together unhappily.

That's shit OP. When ghe going gets tough, the tough get going...unfortunately he's not tough. I can see why you're angry. It's not about the vapes it's about the lying/deception but also it shows that his default setting to stress is to Bury his head in the sand. You have a new baby on the way. In the nicest posible way that's more stress to come. I'm not saying you're relationship is doomed but it doesn't bear well OP. I'd consider one last attempt as 'sorting things' but if he thinks its about the vaping I don't rate your chances. Hope fir the best but plan fir the worst.