At rock bottom - please help

[sos2022]

I feel as though I can barely cope with life anymore.

My husband and I get on okay generally but the romance is long gone (we haven’t had sex for three years) and we occasionally have horrible rows. The DC (aged 3 and 2) have witnessed several of these and it’s made me feel terrible.

I find my husband is very difficult to communicate with as he tends to either shut down or get angry and shout when we’re having a disagreement. He seems to have no qualms about doing this in front of the kids, which naturally they find upsetting. He’s also far more articulate than me so seems to outwit me when I try to put across my point of view. We do sometimes get on well but I feel so distant from him about 60% of the time.

I have a lot of mental hang-ups and blush and sweat terribly when I’m even slightly hot, anxious or nervous. I also have crippling social anxiety. This has made life feel like a prison almost - I can’t make any friends or do job interviews because I’m so self conscious about the blushing and sweating. Last time I did an interview my face was bright red and dripping with sweat (needless to say I didn’t get the job). This is despite trying several cosmetic treatments to reduce the redness and sweating - they work somewhat but not entirely.

I’m currently taking sertraline which worked extremely well to begin with. But then it started to wear off and even upping the dose to 100mg hasn’t made much difference. I also tried CBT which although my counsellor was very good, had minimal effect.

I feel so trapped in an unhappy, loveless marriage, feel like I’m failing my kids and don’t think I’ll ever get a decent job due to the blushing, sweating, low self-esteem and being so inarticulate. If I can’t do that and provide for my kids then where can I possibly go from here?

The bottom line is, no-one’s going to hire someone who’s red as a beetroot with sweat running down their face. So how am I ever going to get a job?

Hi OP,

I didn’t want to read and run. Have you seen your GP about the medication and the sweating? Perhaps if you can find the right meds and get the anxiety under control, that might help with the blushing / sweating?

It sounds like the biggest problem is your relationship. It doesn’t seem like it’s helping your mental health. Have you considered leaving? www.entitledto.co.uk/ will tell you what benefits you’d be entitled to - and if the children were with you most of the time, your husband would have to pay maintenance.

Start with your GP.

This complete stranger on the internet is rooting for you x

I think you need to go back to GP and up the sertraline dose. The blushing ans sweating I’m not sure about though

OP, I feel so sorry for you. You sound like you’re at the end of your tether. Sending you hugs

Yes, I’ve seen the GP who seemed a bit stumped but then prescribed sertraline at my suggestion, following lots of my own research. It did work very well to begin with - I actually felt “happiness” for the first time in years while taking it - but it then began to wear off. My GP agreed to up the dose from 50 to 100 but I sensed a reluctance to keep prescribing it long term as she implied it’s just a short term thing generally. I’m therefore concerned that she won’t agree to increase the dose again to 150.

that sounds like a really difficult situation and I’m so sorry you are going through this.
In regards to the sweating that could be made worse by sertraline. My gp added it to my anti anxiety meds about 3 months ago and if I get the slightest bit hot my face drips like a tap. Never been an issue before the sertraline.
You have options, and you can leave if you are not happy in your marriage.

I’m so upset - I feel I have no options and will consign my kids to a crap life. I’m sure someone will be along soon to say buck up your ideas - honestly I’ve tried but I can’t get past the fact that no one will hire someone blushing and sweating profusely. And who can blame them?

My face sweated badly long before taking sertraline, so I don’t think it’s that

I don’t feel I can leave my marriage - how can I possibly get a job and support myself with this horrible issue (blushing and sweating)? Even if I didn’t have that, I’m still a dreadfully boring person who to be honest has very little to offer. I wouldn’t hire me. I can’t get motivated to do extra study or more qualifications either, because I know I’ll just crumble at job interview stage anyway.

I have told my husband about this but he doesn’t understand. He just tells me I need to get a job because the cost of living crisis means money will be tight. I agree with him on that and would love to get a job but I feel like the blushing and sweating and huge lack of confidence means I never will.

As far as I know sertraline can be taken safely long term. It shouldn’t really wear off though, so you might ask to try something else. Your GP doesn’t sound very clued up about mental health so I would try a different doc in the practice.

I also think you should ask for a referral to a dermatologist for the sweating. Sometimes Botox is used to help and I am sure other things do too.

But you aren’t the only person who sweats and goes red under pressure, or who isn’t very articulate in an arguemdnt, and it will be a lot more obvious to you than anyone else. I think your low opinion of yourself is your actual problem, along with a marriage yoh don’t want to be in.

I think CBT can be very helpful but it sounds to me that you need deeper taking therapy to work out where the low self esteem comes from. Ask your GP for another referral.

It does sound like getting out of your marriage might be what you need to do to feel better about yourself. Can you pull all your joint financial info and go see a solicitor to get an idea of how things will be divided in a split? And move forward from there.

I really like my counsellor but she’s only focusing on one strand of my issues, the social anxiety. I wish I could stick with her for some deeper therapy but she’s NHS and has said she wants to wrap up my therapy next week because I’ve made good progress in her eyes. I have gained a little more confidence on her watch but still feel I have many deep seated issues with low self esteem that haven’t really been addressed.

It all sounds very difficult, OP. I don't know if this might be helpful to you regarding the sweating, but I have something similar ( I sweat profusely from my hands and feet ) It's called hyperhydrosis and can affect different areas for different people . I have found some brilliant support groups on Facebook , on which the members share advice , solutions, support etc. It might not solve the problem entirely, but it helps me to know this is not that uncommon and makes me less self conscious about it.
It sounds to me like you know what you need to do next , but you just might need to remove the barrier that's holding you back. Remember that others might not be as aware of the sweating/ blushing as you think .

I suppose it's obvious but try to make sure you are cool before you go into an anxiety inducing situation. Have a cool shower before, wear loose, cool cotton. I wonder if regular self hypnosis or a hypnotherapy session could be helpful. Gradual exposure to these sorts of situations may help also to reduce your anxiety. Is there anyone you would be comfortable doing mock interviews with to rehearse the situation in your mind? It does seem like your marriage could be increasing your stress levels too.

Most blokes who haven't had sex in two years would be pissed off with life! Not that it's a picnic for you either
I honestly think the relationship is over, and that you're delaying the inevitable in staying together.

Hi OP.
I don’t care if someone has a sweaty face - if they are competent and committed they can work. You’re assuming everyone who interviews you will be a superficial jerk! Maybe try to give professional people a bit more credit? And yourself, too! I think you’re feeling inarticulate because you doubt you have anything to say, so you hold yourself back. You ARE articulate, you ARE capable, you DO have something to offer.

So often interviews are numbers games - go for as many as you can and build up experience so you feel less nervous. You WILL get a job eventually, see interviewing at the moment as practice for the interview for the job you want! Having a job (any job!) will help with your confidence. It only takes one successful interview…

Just because you’re scared it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong and it doesn’t mean you won’t succeed.

Say it with me now - I CAN do it, I CAN do it, I CAN!
Go get em tiger!

Look up sertraline and you will find blushing and sweating as potential side effects - clearly it does not do this to everyone, but it may be that you need to discuss this possibility with your GP. I realise that these symptoms predate the sertraline but the fact that they can cause this is important to note.

The problem with interviews is that you have to sell yourself - and it feels as though you have trouble recognising your own strengths yourself, let alone trying to convey them to someone else.

You do sound quite depressed with low self-esteem, and I am sorry you are going through this. Finding the right counsellor is hard - what suits one may not suit another. This is a difficult time in your life with a marriage that sounds as though it is going through a dip.

Do you mind about the lack of sex? - or are you happy that things have dwindled? Do you have any fun of any sort with your OH?

It may help you to have some time for yourself to pursue something that might make you feel good - would your OH look after the children while you went out? - running, joining a community choir for instance are both activities that boost happy hormones. If you are just trudging along day by day then you really do need a bit of a boost now and again.

I hope that things will improve for you in time.

I sweat excessively on my hands and feet, it's called hyperhidrosis and I bought a treatment online called "Dermadry". It has been a godsend and for the first time in my life I can function on a day-to-day basis without slippery, wet hands 24/7. They also have facebook support groups to help you use Dermadry and you can get advice and tips from other people with the same sweating condition. If you can help your sweating, it might help your confidence more when it comes to things like job interviews?