To be sick of his families drama

[Ohgiveover2022]

Dh’s family are always having drama amongst themselves, sil not talking to mil, bil having huge issues and slagging off sil, everyone lying and posting cryptic messages on Fb. It’s all really not my thing and we try hard not to get involved.
we have a 4 year old Dd who’s had health problems for 9 months and it’s been a massively stressful time, we’re about to embark on ivf once more, Dh works long hours etc etc.
Messages from different members of his family in the evening when we’re trying to get Dd to sleep, then have a teeny bit of relaxation ourselves and they want to call at 10 at night for lengthy phone calls.
It upsets Dh as he worries about them and it makes our (already stressful lives) more stressful too.
Aibu to want them to understand everyone has their own problems and to sort themselves out? Or am I just selfish and uncaring?

Dd is crying now and not sleeping and sil is texting all the fallouts and asking to call, I’d this normal 🤷🏻‍♀️Or am I just too exhausted with my own situation at present

Tell them not to contact you after 6pm and ignore their calls untill they get the message.

@MbatataOwl Dh arrives home around that time so they can only really vent to him in the evenings. The thing is, since he’s been home, he’s sorted the Internet out, we’ve made dinner, washed up, had to take the dog out, his bedtime tonight which seems only now to be calming. It’s almost 10 by the time we’ll sit down and actually speak to each other about our own shit from the day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Doesn’t there come a point when you have to focus on your immediate family, especially when it’s ridiculous drama that they should sort out

His family sound really immature. I'd turn phone off after certain time in the evening and make it clear you're not interested in the drama.

If that's the time he comes home then they'll just have to wait untill the weekend to talk to him (unless it's an emergency) .

Take control. You're both adults, set your boundaries.

I’d send back a brief text - DD not well and not sleeping, can’t talk now.
I’d ignore any further calls or texts and tell DH he has to have a word with them. This is ridiculous and would drive me nuts.

This is one of the reasons we have nothing to do with my father's family. They were fucking nuts and relentless.

We told them we weren't getting drawn into any more drama between family members...oddly this seemed to be the thing that unified them and they all decided to wage war against us, except we didn't play their game. We just stopped speaking to them. 25 years on, no regrets.

No family is perfect obviously, but I just never have my sister texting about my brother and falling out with my mum, saying they’ve lied and she’s not going to speak to them again etc, it’s family ffs!
The passive aggressive FB posts are the worst, it’s just all so ridiculous

You or your DH can’t change his family, your DH can only change the way HE behaves towards them.

So he needs to tell them he’s too busy to be sorting out their problems and just not answer their phone calls. They’ll soon get the message.

We've had similar issues, Dh family- his mum, dad and brother, have lots of health issues and they expect DH to alway be there when there’s a problem. This week, after two weeks of huge stress, due to his brother being hospitalised (due to his own idiocy of not following medical advice) DH has finally had enough, told them he can’t do it any more and told them to sort themselves out. We’ve just had a very long message from Mil and DH has switched off his phone and I’m very proud of him!

I never understand problems like this. Just put phones on silent at DD's bedtime and ignore any calls or messages. You can then deal with anything essential in your own time, when it suits you.

I'd ignore - part of the drama is involving other people in it. Your DH can call his mum and dad at the weekend and give them some of his time then- but not answer on a weekday.

Dh will quickly text back and Sil will say how it’s too complicated to explain over text and that she just wants to let him know what’s been said before he hears from mil & bil 🤷🏻‍♀️ She says they’re horrible people etc…she’s saying this to her brother about his own mum…just bizarre

I'd leave my phone in the car and unplug the land-line. If you need to be contactable with your family get a cheap phone and don't share the number.

I can't be doing with immature drama from others.

Yes it’s all bizarre, but your husband is enabling their behaviour.

All he needs to do is tell them he’s too busy to listen to what’s happened, not reply to texts and phone calls. He can then get on with his evening and being a good father and husband.

This is down to DH. SIL/BIL/MIL are only a problem if he lets them be. From what you've written it sounds like he makes a half hearted attempt to bat her away but soon gives in. So she'll just keep going, knowing she'll get what she wants in the end. As will the others.

What's your DH's general attitude? Is he still very much tied to his family despite their behaviour? Because only he can stop it. Have you talked to him about this, asked him not to be so available, and if so what was his response?

He needs to NOT text back. That is opening a conversation as far as his sister is concerned. Radio silence is his friend. He needs to switch his phone off when he get home if he does not want to get drawn in. Alternatively, grasp the nettle and tell her that it is HER problem and he doesn't want to hear about it. And to do that with every single one of them. People like that are draining and leave you exhausted.

@Gymnopedie @WhereYouLeftIt Tbh, he isn’t a great texter/communicator at the best of times on Sm etc, so messages often get left without him replying. That’s why she likes to call, she can talk..a LOT, she can be on for two plus hours…all is does is worry and stress him out. It’s unfair with the things we have going on in our own lives, wish they’d just grow up and sort themselves out. Sil is coming to visit for a week soon…so I’m sure the holiday will be all about the recent problems…

But to what extent should you still help/get involved with family issues/dramas? Especially once you have a family of your own?
I know exactly how it goes…it’ll be his mum messaging tomorrow, fishing to see if sil has mentioned anything. They even used to try to drag me into it by mil whatsapping me, I put a stop to it, we don’t want to be involved, it’s so toxic, don’t want Dd involved with people like this either, but what can I do 🤷🏻‍♀️