Caring/mil aibu

[rocky4321]

I wasn’t sure where to post this, but it really boils down to MIL being what I think is unreasonable and due to it not being my family drama I don’t want to share his private matters for support in RL.

DP has a sibling ‘Sam’ with severe additional needs; non verbal, needs complete supervision 24/7, help with all personal care, has a history of violence, zero sense of danger, dislikes any change of routine etc. my DP loves his sibling unconditionally and will always take care of them but doesn’t feel he has the capacity to take on 24/7 hour care once his parents aren’t able to without completely jeopardising any form of his life now I.E. quitting his career as he wouldn’t be able to work from home with Sam in the house, myself and the kids would have to learn self defence just how his family did, we couldn’t live where we do live etc.

I feel for MIL as her life is absorbed being Sam’s carer (she’s sacrificed her life for Sam and I respect how she does it on a daily basis) and it must be frightening to think that one day she won’t be there for Sam. DP has always ‘known’ he’d be expected to look after Sam once MIL was gone and was never really given the choice if he wanted to or not.

to cut a long story short DP has told his mum that he cannot commit to being Sam’s sole carer but will always support Sam as much as he can to make sure they’re always looked after and has a good life, just not full time in our home. DP has also told MIL that we’re hoping to try for a baby in the near future and with Sam having their own needs (firstly Sam cannot be around noise/kids crying/playing etc) that us having Sam 24/7 isn’t viable choice and as a family they should start thinking of a plan.

MIL has had this news for a month now and is still throwing insults at DP (he’s a disgrace of a son to turn his back on his family, why bother bringing a child into this world when he doesn’t care about his own blood, how self centred he is etc etc).

This weekend MIL has seemed to change tactics from pure guilt into me, DP and Sam to spend more time together. She’s completely refusing to engage in any conversation of coming up with a plan ‘b’ as between throwing insults (which is still constant) is how plan ‘a’ can work. Suggestions on how plan a can work are ‘It’s modern for men to stay at home therefore OP can just work..’ or ‘maybe you’re not ready to be parents if you cannot take care of someone with SN’ or ‘maybe OP will fall in love with Sam and won’t want Sam to be abandoned’ or ‘babies aren’t babies for ever and Sam might not need to move in for 20 years’.

DP has shed so many tears to me and MIL regarding this decision but at no point has she tried to empathise with DP ‘you can think of your own happiness but I’ve got to think of Sam…’

While I wouldn’t put more stress onto DP my patience for her is wearing thin and I’m loosing all respect for her for not considering DP or our family’s needs/happiness at all (let alone the horrendous things she has said for the past month). Luckily I’ve not seen her for the past month but I can imagine her saying something to me and I’ll just struggle to keep my mouth closed. AIBU?

You are definitely not being unreasonable, however, MIL is coming from a place of fear and panic. I think she must know, deep down, that she is being unfair but your DH has acquiesced up to now, she's doing all she can to get him to back down again.

I think a serious discussion is in order , she needs reminded that Sam is not his brother's responsibility, nor is he yours and your future children's. But she can be involved in the plan for Sam, she can see how he will be looked after and be assured that your DH will ensure he is safe and well looked after.

I empathise with you and MIL. She must be terrified for her child.

Has Sam got a social worker? Does he attend any groups or activities?

Does MiL go to any carers groups? Does she engage with any charities such as Mencap?

It would be helpful for her to do some future planning if she hasn't already. I'm thinking in particular of finances, will etc. What thought has she given to how Sam will be supported financially? Maybe that's a way to open up discussion around the practicalities of care - a good specialist solicitor will help her write a will that provides for Sam and as part of that discussion the subject of care will come up. Perhaps your DP could suggest helping her to get her finances in order for Sam's benefit and a will in place and the living arrangements will come up organically.

Wow.

First of all huge respect to your DH for recognising that he and you as a couple will not be in a position to care for his brother 24/7/365 and for raising it now so ghat his brothers future can ve addressed whilst there is time to evaluate options

MIL is being totally unreasonable here, but you know that. The question is how are you going to move forward?

There are all sorts of options

• family counselling

• NC with MIL (drastic, but an option)

• tell MIL you are going to step back for a period of time to let her process this information . Give a date for Contact and block for the period if necessary.

• there's no mention of FIL or other siblings are MIL & your H all his family? Are there wider family members who might facilitate a discussion about BILs future?

Do not let MIL bully you & DH into doing what she wants - it won't end well for anyone.

No of course you're not being unreasonable but mil's (undiscussed) future plans have just been thrown into disarray.
There are other options. In my area, Adults with SEN can have "Shared Lives". Essentially it starts as a home from home respite, which in time can develop over years, into more time in respite than at home.
Does your BIL attend any activities?
I'd suggest contacting ASC and asking for an assessment to help make future plans. It would be a start for MIL to find out what's available.

I can totally understand MIL’s point of view. I have a disabled child, will probably need help all of her life, single parent, no other children. It terrifies me thinking what will happen to her if anything was to happen to me. Fortunately my family already assumed responsibility for her if anything happened to me - she would go to my mum or if she wasn’t alive, her care would be split between my sisters and their children. I’m very grateful because I would HATE to think of her being in a home or residential care of any sort, it’s a very worrying thing that often people with neurotypcial children just don’t understand

It must be terrifying worrying about whats going to happen to your child after you are gone. I know in her shoes the fear would be overwhelming. But she is being incredibly unfair.

Do you know what the alternative options would look like? Maybe you could discuss those with her. I.e. if there is a residential setting for him could she perhaps visit one for reassurance?

Also, does Sam go to any respite care? Can that be extended?

I wonder if your DH could research some options that might work and come up with a sort of scenario of where Sam will live, who will care for him and then include how and when you guys would visit him/spend time with him?

Present it to your MIL as a complete picture so she can see how it would work for Sam and how he would be cared for and happy,

This might stop some of the panic? If she can see Sam will be happy and cared for she might calm down enough to be able to see that your DH's needs are just as important as Sam's.

There are homes where he can live supported.

situations that have arisen on here and mothers have said their child/young adult was much happier in a specialist living facility

does your mil know they are an option?

no one has to be a carer in mils situation she is entitled to support, especially given the needs described

Very selfish woman, but at the same time - I can see how her life has become entirely centred around caring for Sam and that is now normal for her. You and DP are DNBU and MIL is, but she doesn’t know what is kind of care is out there. (Personally, I would start looking into respite for Sam, so your MIL experiences some time out, you can have your baby and your MIL will get the idea that the world won’t stop turning if she is not the one in control of every facet of Sam’s life.)

I don’t know how old you are but one of the issues in DHs family was the attitude to care facilities. There was the impression they would be sent to a mental facility, rather than a home. The family member had a very happy life in care, much more than the life they had living with a sibling for years.

I have a friend who wants to take their sister on when her parents die. Their lives have been ruined, they don’t go anywhere ever, they couldn’t come to her wedding, graduation, to see babies, they’ve never visited at all. Her sister cannot be unsupervised and is difficult to take out, I think it’s a bad idea to subject her children to the same.

I agree with everyone else.
Of course YANBU but I suspect MiL's anger comes from a sense of fear.
I would perhaps encourage her to look in to gradually building up less reliance on her (from Sam) from now on - encouraging her to see him settled at respite, or at day centres or with carers etc while she can share the care.

A lot easier said than done, I know.
Your dh is in a very difficult place, and good for him to speak out now.

This. i'm the carer for my sister with special needs since our parents passed - The way I have always seen it, my mother didnt have a choice, my beloved sister is just the way she is and my mother couldnt opt out of providing 24/7 care, why would it be different just because i'm her sister not her mother? She deserves to be cared for by her loving family, not strangers, and our mother worked dam hard all her life caring for her, she deserved to pass on with the comfort of knowing it would never come to that.

I have worked in ASC and seen many marriages fall apart with the stress of trying to cope with family members with severe additional needs.
While Sam’s needs are important so are yours and your DP’s plus of course any future children you may have.
Your MIL has obviously had years of putting Sam’s needs before her own and is terrified of what will happen to him when she’s not able to cope but that doesn’t mean it has to be you and your DP.
Most mothers think no one else can look after their child as well as them but that just isn’t always true, sometimes people can flourish and adapt in ways you wouldn’t believe.
There are many excellent residential facilities that provide really good care and more activities, stimulation etc than can be provided by older parents, it’s a shame that only the bad homes ever make it to the news.
It often just needs a lot of time and patience to adjust to a new setting.
Like previous posters have suggested he needs a social worker to act on his behalf to find a day care facility that can be gradually extended until it becomes familiar to him, if Mum can see him settled she may well feel differently.
You and your DP can still be very involved with Sam’s life but you should not take on 24/7 responsibility or you could well end up resenting him.

For those saying your family will look after their child or they look after a sibling, that's great but is not for everyone.

There is also a big difference between looking after a special needs adult who functions as a child but is happy and safe to be around as oppose to someone who is violent and needs watching 24/7.

I think OPs husband is brave to admit he can't do it and I really feel for him having to make such a hard decision when he clearly loves his brother.

To clarify, my sister is also violent (due to frustration with all she has to cope with) and needs 24/7 care for a variety of reasons.
It's great to say it's 'not for everyone' but my point is, in my opinion, mothers/siblings dont get to just opt out because its not for everyone. You step up, you exhaust yourself, you do what anyone would do for family you love. No one asked for this.
Rest assured, i'm no superwoman, I have little support and its bloody hard every second of every day but she's my sister, the alternative is NOT an option in my opinion.

Also, if his elderly mother can do it, I dont think OPs husband is 'brave to admit' he cant. I am sorry OP, I do understand its an emotive issue but, having been raised with a sister with special needs, I see too many of her community utterly miserable having been placed in residential because siblings dont want the job.
A lifetime of disabilities and your own family wont have you? it upsets me.

@saddenedsosaddened respectfully I think you are well out of order. You don't know what looking after Sam involves, and the OP's dh is well within his rights to say this is too much for him and his family. You are clearly doing a wonderful thing for your sister, but it's a massive responsibility, as you know more than most, and it's better for everyone that the OPs dh is honest about that so that arrangements can be made for Sam.

I do not expect or want my son to look after his sibling who will also never be independent.he has his life
Can you try to talk about a managed move and start looking for somewhere for brother to go for respite with a view to it becoming permanent. Far better to do this than something happen and an emergency placement required which might not be suitable for his needs . Do not be pressurised by MIL or social services into doing something you are not happy doing.

mothers/siblings dont get to just opt out because its not for everyone. You step up, you exhaust yourself, you do what anyone would do for family you love. No one asked for this

they absolutely do get to opt out and there is no shame in it.

I spend my work days dealing with the fall out of broken family carers who are put under pressure not to 'opt out'. I tell them that it's ok, that they have done as much as they can and it's time for someone else to take over. Why is their life and their happiness worth less because they have a family member with care needs?

it is even enshrined in law that family providing care should be willing and able to do so. The OP and her husband aren't willing to do so and it sounds like if they want their own family then they aren't able to do so either.

Before my mum died and was getting frail, she said she didn't want to be a burden to us children and that we had our own lives to live and when we married (in church but we aren't that religious), we promised to forsake all others for our spouse.
Your husband's first duty is to his wife and own children. MIL is panicking because she expects your husband to step into her shoes but it isn't going to be possible and she must accept that. It's so wrong of her to guilt trip your husband.

I have a child with SEN, not to the same extent as Sam but im fairly certain he will need some kind of support for the rest of his life, as his mother i signed up for it when i decided to have a baby but i absolutely dont want his sisters to ever feel they have a responsibility to be his carers. I want them to have their own lives and families.

YANBU I have 2 DC, DS1 is disabled and DS2 is not. I absolutely do not want DS2 to feel like he should be DS1’s carer. We’re already starting to look at where DS1 will live, he’s nearly 20, and have discussed it with the social worker. I also feel that having DS1 settled well before DH & I pop our clogs will make the transition so much easier for DS1.

your MIL is obviously scared about what will happen to Sam. She should start to explore options with social services, talk to MENCAP or other charities and really start planning.

Agree.
A sad situ but Your MIL is wrong.
Your Dh and you, don't have to step up to be Sam's care 24/7.
I would suggest to MIL that you will help find Sam residential care- The best around and support him BUT not be his 24/7 carer.

But siblings are not in the same position as parents. They did not choose to have their sibling cared for in the home, that was a parental decision. Now that they are adults, they cannot be told that they must opt in. Your situation works for you but people have different capacities, different demands on them and so on.