What do I do? Trigger: Sexual Assault

[NameChangeJaneDoe]

Hi,

As the username suggests, I’ve name changed for this, to protect my DC privacy.

They very recently told me their other parent (ex partner of many years now) ‘humped’ DC, when they were toy fighting. DC says Ex partner had DC pinned and dry humped DC then jumped off, looked ashamed and went to the bathroom. ExP avoided DC after.

Obviously I am furious and sickened by ExP but DC does not want anything to be done about it. DC was still a minor when this happened.

I want to report ExP for what they have done but I don’t want to go against my DC wishes, as they are the victim and they need to have the control over what happens.

I have other DC, still minors and obviously don’t want them anywhere near ExP after this. ExP doesn’t even know I know, because DC has asked me not to let ExP know that I know.

I feel helpless against my DC wishes and ExP getting away with what they did. What do I do here? Do I go against what DC wants and risk causing DC more trauma? Would I even be able to report it as DC is no longer a minor? If I don’t report it, then obviously ExP will want to know why the other DC won’t be seeing ExP anymore (no court order and I have residency) but DC doesn’t want me to let on that I know!

Please help with what I should do here.

Anyone?

Sometimes as a parent we need to do the right thing - which isn’t always what our children want unfortunately.
If this got out later and ss etc found out you knew they would be saying you didn’t safeguard your children.
As tough a situation it is I think deep down you know what you must do? X

How old are your other children? How do you know nothing untoward has gone on towards them too?

Oh God, I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to add, but I couldn't read and run. What an absolute nightmare of situation for you OP and of course for your DC.

I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to be stuck between respecting your DC's wishes and keeping their trust, and doing what your instinct tells you.

I think the right thing is to protect your other children from this man. But I totally understand how difficult this will be given what your other child has asked of you. I don't think there's an option here that isn't going to be painful for someone/everyone, unfortunately :(

How old are the children involved

As it does make a difference

If your 'minor' children are 16/17 I wouldn't put your other childs wishes to one side

If they are much younger and therefore likely to still need to go over a lot then you need to talk about it with the DC that made the disclosure

@Luckymummytoone that has been my thoughts too, however I don’t even know if I can report it as my DC isn’t a minor. Of course I spoke to the other DC, one says ExP used to squeeze their thighs a lot and it made them uncomfortable and sometimes hurt.

DC has in the past already been involved in an assault case, which I reported the moment dc told me. Dc went through a lot, video interviews, examinations etc, for it to eventually not be taken to court due to the time that had passed between it happening and dc telling me, not enough evidence. Obviously DC just doesn’t see the point in reporting ExP because DC thinks the same thing will just happen again, dc word against ExP, not enough evidence etc.

If they're old enough they don't have to go and see him if he makes them uncomfortable

No need to even get authorities involved

@PastaCheese other DC are not young, but still minors.

How old is your DC now - are they old enough that you can definitely be sure they understand what happened, and what the implications are? Are they old enough to understand that the younger DC might be at risk if their other parent is abusive? How old are the younger ones - are they old enough to understand boundaries of that nature and to articulate something to you in the same way you older DC did?

Does eldest DC still see the ex?

Obviously feelings around this kind of thing are incredibly complicated and not always rational, but surely your DC couldn't have imagined that nothing would change as a result of their disclosure - they must have known that you wouldn't your other children to be visiting their other parent once you had been told about the sexual assault?

I think you do have to talk about this further with your older DC who told you and explain to them very carefully why you think it's important for the police to be told.

Then why even make this into a drama?

If they are uncomfortable with him just cease contact

They will be deemed old enough to decide for themselves if he does try and take this to court

Needs reporting and investigation so that it can be deemed if safe for you other young ones to still see him. That's it.

Just tell him your kids don't want to see him anymore and never let any of them go there again. Encourage your daughter to report it but respect her decision.

@PastaCheese the last thing I want is drama, however it sickens me that ExP did that to DC and essentially ‘gets away with it’. Also DC was a minor at the time so to my mind ExP poses a risk to children in general.

But what is there to 'get' away with

Your child won't report

Even if they did, fully clothed humping with no verification from your other children nothing would happen to him anyway.

If you priority is your children just stop the contact

I would think you could raise it with social services and with the police, making plain that your DC will not be giving evidence.

They may have other referrals about him they can link it to.

Call NSPCC for advice, and to talk it through. My understanding is that they are good about this kind of thing.

So hard I really feel for you! As pp suggested maybe speak to social services - no one can make your daughter disclose it but as you said he poses a risk to other children which you should report as a concern. If your other children are older than 12 (I think) their choice is respected by the courts if they wish to stop contact. Hugs xx

He could have anything on his computer! Hear about it so much these day ms :( If he’s of that mindset you just don’t know what he’s capable of! So disturbing xx

@picklemewalnuts thank you, I will definitely speak to the NSPCC, I never thought of that.

@Luckymummytoone Yes this a one of my concerns too, if ExP would do something like that to his own DC what might ExP do or have already done regarding other children.

Thanks for the replies, I will call the NSPCC and work out next steps.

Something needs to be done. I don’t know what, but someone will.
That lapse of control by your ex p suggests that he struggles with dangerous impulses.