Comment a year ago still making me anxious

[Troyes76]

I think I need a head wobble! Sorry for the length of this, I’m trying to give context.
A year ago I did a first aid course with work. I work for a large company, my husband works for the same company (although separate sites)
On the course was a man from his site. This man wasn’t very pleasant at work and my husband didn’t like him at all.

With it being a course, we obviously had to practice on the others on the course. The first two days were fine, however on the third day this man found out who my husband was, and then seemed to engineer opportunities to partner with me, even when I moved away.

Back at work the next week, this man informed his colleagues several times that he’d been ‘running his hands all over X’s wife all last week.’
Work dealt with this really well, and he has now left the company.

bBut it still makes me anxious when his name is mentioned, or the course. Today we drove past the place where the course was and my anxiety has rocketed.

I should be over this shouldn’t I, I don’t know why I’m still finding it so upsetting.

It totally makes sense, the man deliberately targeted you, made you feel uncomfortable and then made comments that made you feel violated.

Its great that your work took it seriously and handled it well, but that doesn't necessarily fix how he made you feel. Have you had any counselling at all?

If not it might be a good idea to get some, perhaps your work might have a service you can use?

I think that if your anxiety is rocketing because of some stupid, childish comments someone (that you don't see or have contact with) made about you a year ago then you definitely need help to deal with your anxiety.

Ew, that's revolting. I want to wash myself in Dettol just reading that. I'm not surprised you're upset.

For your own sake it would be good to be angry rather than anxious, though I don't know how you achieve that. As it's been so long and it's still impacting this is one of those occasions when I think counselling might help.

But you can reassure yourself that he was dealt with appropriately which means other people agreed with you and supported you. Was there any kind of review to see if there were safeguards that could be put in place for future courses to protect participants? Sometimes that kind of action can help people to feel they've regained control.

Yep. You should work on your anxiety.

Everyone probably thinks he's a total arse, too. He sure sounds like it.

Obviously that man is vile and I'm glad your employer dealt with the situation.

To clarify: did he actually grope you? Did his physical contact go any further than what he was being told to do as part of the first aid course? Or did he just do the normal training stuff with you and then make his gross comments to people in the office afterwards?

If it was just the sleazy comments that he made, then yes, it was absolutely unacceptable and of course it was upsetting for you. But the fact that you are having anxiety attacks about that a year later at the mere mention of his name or in passing the location of the course doesn't sound like a very proportionate level of response to what has happened, especially given that everything was correctly dealt with at work and he no longer works there. I think that is a concerning and unusual level of anxiety in response to this incident.

If you were sexually assaulted, I would absolutely expect you to have a strong anxiety response.

Either way, I think you need some professional help.

He sounds like a total dickhead and I’m glad he’s been dealt with. However to still have an anxious response like this a year later says to me that you maybe need to do some work on your anxiety levels.

I agree with this, both counselling and seeing if you can do anything to reduce the risk to anyone else in future, which might help you feel you'd regained control over the situation.

Whether anyone else thinks this was a sexual assault or not, it sounds as though you're feeling it was. And that's perfectly valid. He seems to have intended it as a low-level sexual assault that he thought he could get away with. Good for your employers, not letting him get away with it.

I hope whatever action you take, or none, you can now wash him out of your mind and let go of the anxiety.

I think that's quite a dismissive comment, and places all the responsibility on OP and her (normal) reactions, rather than placing it where it belongs, which is with the man who quite deliberately engineered an opportunity to subject her to unwanted touch so that he could gloat about it later.

OP your anxiety in this instance is appropriate; what happened to you is horrible. It's true that this arsehole would probably never be charged with anything, since he had the perfect opportunity to put his hands all over you with a ready-made excuse and apparent consent - but you know that you weren't comfortable at the time, that you felt constrained by the circumstances to tolerate it - and then he boasted about it in the most revolting terms, humiliating you further. I's be surprised if any woman didn't feel a bit traumatised by that, tbh.

I think it's pretty awful to think, in retrospect, that this bloke was getting some kind of sexual thrill out of the opportunity to touch you, which he then weaponised against your husband.

And at the time, despite being uncomfortable enough to move away from him, you kept being put in the situation of having to partner with him.

It's worth talking through with a professional.

My daughter just did a first aid course and they used special dummies. I'd suggest to your work in future they run these courses with that sort of equipment.
I would see if talking it out with a professional might help - you'll have to pay though as the wait will be months on the NHS. But to get this upset over a comment when nothing actually happened is not normal.

You don't "need to work on your anxiety". What he did was abusive and you are reacting to his unacceptable behavior. Is there someone you can talk to about it? I feel like maybe you need to get some things out that you didn't process at the time.

Also, I'm sorry this happened to you. It really takes you aback when your just trying to do a normal activity like any other regular person and someone e turns it into an opportunity to victimize you.

I think that's quite a dismissive comment, and places all the responsibility on OP and her (normal) reactions, rather than placing it where it belongs, which is with the man who quite deliberately engineered an opportunity to subject her to unwanted touch so that he could gloat about it later.

I wasn't being dismissive. But the level of anxiety a year later needs addressing. Just because we aren't responsible for someone else's actions doesn't mean we shouldn't seek help if it's affecting our lives. He doesn't care, he's just another twattish man going about his business, he probably doesn't give it a second thought. So the only person who can get help is the person it happened to.

Thank you so much for your replies, lots of different opinions but the key thread is that I should do something about the anxiety. We do have a well-being scheme at work that offers counselling so I’ll look into it.
also really grateful that some of you have been able to put into words how I feel, really appreciate this.