To think MIL should remember the basics of my cancer treatment if she phoned ‘every day’ during it

[Dingledanglegoosberries]

I was very ill during my chemo. Spent most of my time in hospital between sessions. My BILs boyfriend is now unwell. MIL is fussing like anything. Knows all the details and talks a lot about how sad it is (which it is of course). This persons regimen is going to be similar to my own, equally as harsh, and I am (in the nicest way) saying what he needs to be wary of.

Cue total shock that I had had such a hard time. Like total absence of any understanding of my trips into hospital which took up most of my life at that point, that DH was looking after two young kids whilst I was away. But then followed it up with ‘of course I supported x, we spoke very day’.

AIBU to think that’s utter bollocks. I don’t care that she didn’t and had never thought she did give a shit (which I am reconciled to) but AIBU to think she doesn’t need to pretend she did and that it’s understandable it slightly grates when she takes such a different attitude to my BIL’s partner who’s been on the scene for less than 2 years with no kids.

How long ago did you have cancer? My mum had cancer 9 years ago and then again last year and honestly even I get mixed up with the timelines of everything because its such a worrying time that everything blurs. You've had cancer, and I'm truly sorry you were so poorly and hope you're fully recovered now. But in the nicest way possible, he has it now. And it's him that's going through it now.

Most people who haven't been through it, don't have a clue and there is no reason that they should.

Your MIL may have spoken to your DH every day but she probably asked about him, and how he was coping with the dcs. Maybe your DH preferred not to share intimate details of your treatment. Maybe he felt you would prefer your privacy to be respected.

It seems your BIL has chosen to tell your MIL every detail, and she's sharing all the detail. Having been through it myself, I'd have hated that.

There's no point in getting annoyed now. Who does it help?

Oh nobody. It’s mild inconvenience. She just wants to drag me in as BIL’s main support and I can’t be arsed

Do you know if she did speak to your DH frequently? If she did, perhaps they spoke about the two children, how he was managing, with broad brushstrokes about how you were-‘better today, still tired but less nausea/this round has really knocked her about, we’re hoping she’ll come home at the weekend ’- but without the nitty gritty of treatment.

She didn’t. The reality is I know she didn’t. She never phones and I always encourage DH to phone her

Maybe it's because BILs partner is male, and therefore much more important than you. My MIL has a habit of treating women as lesser beings and not worthy of her concern. I've been quite unwell and she hasn't asked how I am or offered to help, whereas if DH sneezes she's all over him like he's dying.
Does that sound familiar?

Refuse to discuss Bil’s partner with her. When she brings up his illness just change the subject. You can still offer to support and advice to them, just leave Mil out of it.

Some people like feeling important and pretending to have deeply cared about your treatment makes her seem like she knows how to help. Correct her when she lies, offer advice to BIL/BF if they ask you directly but don't pass messages through your MIL