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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel upset. (TW bereavement)

21 replies

ohnoohnoo · 09/08/2022 20:26

My grandma passed away this morning. She had been in a home for the last 3 years. She had dementia and blood cancer, so her passing wasn't a surprise. We have been expecting it for the past 3 weeks (the nurses put her on end of life meds etc). I loved her dearly and visited her daily but I feel like something must be wrong with me because I haven't cried or anything. Towards the end she was so unwell and was basically just a shell, it felt like she had left already so I'm not sure if that makes any difference. But now I'm really worried that I must be a terrible person because I just haven't felt any sadness yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohnoohnoo · 09/08/2022 20:30

Also to add that I'm lucky in that I have never lost anybody before. I have (up until today) had all my grandparents around etc

OP posts:

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 09/08/2022 20:31

Nothing is wrong with you. You may have already grieved for her. Or, maybe you are numb from the news and you will feel
some emotion later. Neither is wrong. Neither is controllable.
Sometimes it is just a relief, your loved one is no longer in pain and suffering. Doesn’t mean you love them any less or that you are broken. Emotions are varied and fickle.

💐💐

bare · 09/08/2022 20:32

You are not a terrible person at all. She was living a half life and now she's free of that. Please don't feel like that - just remember all the wonderful years she had before that

hazeydays14 · 09/08/2022 20:33

Sorry for your loss OP. My gran also has severe Alzheimer’s. She has been bed bound, unable to speak or respond to people for 3 years. They expect my grandad to starve her to death when they’ve been together almost 70 years, which is how she’s still going because obviously he can’t do that! I don’t think I will be sad when she goes. I’ve grieved and cried for the woman we have lost already, unfortunately dementia robs us of the person we once loved.

Don’t beat yourself up for not crying, grief affects everyone differently, especially in such difficult circumstances.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 09/08/2022 20:33

If your parents are deceased, how long did it take for you to feel happy again?

this thread might provide comfort in that you are not alone. @ohnoohnoo

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 09/08/2022 20:33

My Mum died over 2 years ago, yes i was upset but she also had dementia and I'd been grieving for a number of years before she died as the dementia had taken away my Mum.
You're not a terrible person, sorry for your loss

AWobABobBob · 09/08/2022 20:34

I've never really cried over my grandparents dying. Dying of old age is a natural thing and they were now at peace after living a long, happy life.

I have however cried at the funerals of a teenage friend who died by overdose, a family friend who died during childbirth, a family friend who died of cancer in their 40's leaving behind teenage children. Those deaths were traumatic.

Igotjelly · 09/08/2022 20:34

Nothing at all wrong with you. My gran died in July. She was elderly and lacked the quality of life she had previously. I’m still waiting for the grief to come. I suspect as PP says I’ve already grieved during those last months of her life when she was a really poor old soul.

Macadamiamama · 09/08/2022 20:35

Sounds like you’ve been prepared for this moment enough and have been grieving in advance. Totally normal. Plus I’m sure you’ll still feel waves of sadness. Don’t feel bad.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 09/08/2022 20:37

I felt like this when my dad died, of Huntington's disease. By the time he went, he was just a shell with a heartbeat - the disease had robbed him of everything.

I'd grieved for him for years. I didn't cry either. I didn't cry at his funeral. I just didn't... feel. I didn't feel anything. I'd already done all my feeling, if that makes sense.

This IS normal, OP. I promise.

Original poster

ohnoohnoo · 09/08/2022 20:37

Thank you everyone. This has made me feel like I'm not such a terrible person. I definitely think I have grieved for the person she was over the last year or so because the dementia took away so much of her already

OP posts:

Original poster

ohnoohnoo · 09/08/2022 20:38

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm thank you for your post and so sorry for your loss

OP posts:

BMW6 · 09/08/2022 20:42

Nothing wrong with you at all. There is no right way to grieve, there is no wrong response.

You may find yourself weeping a long way down this road for no particular reason, expect everything and nothing, all is well.

Remember her at her best, not as she was when she died.

When a memory makes you smile or laugh, is when you are truly remembering them.

AllThatAndMore · 09/08/2022 20:43

I felt relieved when my grandma passed. Like you, I had known for a few weeks and seeing her body and then mind go slowly had me in tears every day . In her last days , she told me ( and everyone) that she wanted to die . She was ready . When she finally passed , I felt relieved. I don’t know if I cried at all but I did cry at later dates like her birthday and her death date . There are no rules with grief and you’re not a terrible person .

mummyh2016 · 09/08/2022 20:43

I was exactly the same when my nan died. With dementia we lose them a long time before they pass away. The person lying in the bed was not the same person I grew up with.

TheresSomethingYouNeedToKnow · 09/08/2022 20:43

In my experience, you're on auto pilot right now. You will start the grieving process when your body comes out of that, could be days/ a week.

I'm so sorry for your loss and sending all my love and strength to you.

whatfreshheck · 09/08/2022 20:46

You are not a terrible person! At all! We all deal with grief in our own way and it sounds like the woman you loved went a long time ago. Big hugs

Dilbertian · 09/08/2022 20:55

When I was told that one of my grandma had just died, I felt nothing but a sense of relief. Her last years had been nothing but pain and confusion and fear until she sank so far in dementia that she no longer seemed to express any emotions. I think my reaction was because I had seen her through a lot of the deterioration and had already said goodbye to her, made peace with losing her.

5 or 6 years later I was at a Shiva for a friend's relative. A Shiva is a Jewish mourning ritual where friends and community members gather at the bereaved's house immediately after the funeral, and for the next 7 days, to mourn, pray and eat together with them. So I was at the Shiva for a person I barely knew, and I found myself weeping and overwhelmed with grief. I took myself quietly out of the room, because it would not have been right to make myself the centre of attention. I realised that I was crying for my grandma.

My parents say it was similar for them. They were so relieved that their mum/MIL was finally released that they didn't really grieve until much much later.

Your reaction is OK. You know you loved your grandma and she loved you. That's all that matters.

ErrolTheDragon · 09/08/2022 20:57

TheresSomethingYouNeedToKnow · 09/08/2022 20:43

In my experience, you're on auto pilot right now. You will start the grieving process when your body comes out of that, could be days/ a week.

I'm so sorry for your loss and sending all my love and strength to you.

And in my experience (grandparents long gone, my parents and ILs also, at ripe old ages) there may indeed be little or no grief. The old term 'blessed relief' is often apt.

CoodleMoodle · 09/08/2022 21:07

I understand too OP.

I wasn't upset when my final grandparent died, because he was already gone (dementia as well). I thought I'd be a mess (especially as I was 39wks pregnant!) but I was fine. Sad, but not devastated. It was 8 years ago and I still haven't cried about it. I think it was a relief in a way, because he wasn't my Grandad anymore and I didn't like seeing him like that.

Sorry for your loss

CrystalCoco · 09/08/2022 21:19

You've had some time to come to terms with your grandmother's illness and her imminent passing, you sound like a well adjusted adult who can accept death 'at the right time', yes it's sad, but she's enjoyed her life (hopefully) / had her time.

It's a time to celebrate her life in happiness and I'm sure you'll do just that.

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