To think people should understand that it's not always easy to 'speak up' without shouting?

[Merrygoroundtoo]

I've always had a relatively quiet voice and have spent time finding out how to project my voice and vary my tone etc

I have asthma (made worse by allergies) which hasn't helped with the volume of my voice but I try to make a conscious effort to speak slowly and clearly.

My elderly parent (who doesn't have the best hearing) doesnt seem to understand that short of shouting it's virtually impossible for them to hear me.

Phone conversations tend to start:
Me: 'Hi'
DP: 'Hello??'
Me: 'Hi, can you hear me?' Slightly louder
DP: 'Hello??'
Me: 'Hi, can you hear me?' Slightly louder
DP:'Can you hear me?'
Me:'Yes, can you hear me?' Slightly louder
DP:'Yes, no need to shout!'

Halfway through similar happens and I end up raising my voice to say what I'm trying to say. This frequently ends up with them getting upset and telling me I shouldn't be shouting at them and asking why I'm so angry at them. I have said many times that my asthma means it's not easy to control the volume of my voice, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Is it unreasonable to think that someone with hearing issues should understand that sometimes people need to raise their voice when they can't hear them without getting upset?

I don't want to raise my voice, especially not to an elderly person! But how else can I get them to hear me? Email and text is obviously easier but they live on their own and frequently say that they like talking on the phone for company.

Why don’t they wear a hearing aid?

Do they have hearing aids?
Would video calls be better?

I think the issue comes when you 'raise your voice' and 'shout' that it can also affect your tone. So where the hard of hearing person wants you to be louder they get shouted at instead.

There's a world of difference between speaking louder and shouting.

I'm not sure really.

My dad is very deaf (hearing aid doesn't help on the phone) and sometimes when people raise their voice for him, they do sound aggressive/angry because they're getting frustrated with him.

This obviously upsets him because it's not his fault. He's 90 ffs.

You have my sympathy. I’m the same. As hard as I try, increasing the volume affects the tone and pace of my voice and not, I think, for the better.

There is, and as a teacher I know exactly what it is and how to do both. I still used to get accused of shouting at my parents in this situation though. I think it’s because they are defensive and a bit (unnecessarily) embarrassed by not hearing the first time.

A hearing aid sounds like it might be a good option, although I think there may be some resistance.

Good point about the difference between raising voice and shouting and how the tone can make a difference. It's difficult to hear what DP hears on their end of the phone to be honest.

Unfortunately they refuse to video call as they say it gives them a headache, so phone calls are the main communication route when it's not face to face

Do you enunciate clearly and move your lips and mouth when you speak? Sometimes people talk inside their mouths and it's really hard to hear them. Even with hearing aids.
Some phones are terrible too, even with hearing aids and the volume turned right up. I have to buy smart phones with really good speakers so I can hear, does your mum have a good phone for hearing loss?

That does sound really tough, it's really hard to put yourself in the other person's shoes and hear what they hear, especially over the phone

That's a really good point, she just has a normal phone that's around 10 years old, so not the latest technology. I didn't realise they had special phones for hearing loss, I'll see if I can find one as it could really help

Speaking a bit more slowly, loudly and clearly is what we need, not shouting. Shouting changes the shape and pitch of words and sounds aggressive and impatient.

Hearing aids do help a lot of people with hearing loss but they only go some way towards solving the problem. I have powerful hearing aids and a high tech gizmo to help with the phone, and phone calls are still a nightmare. Video calls are so much better.

To anyone saying “why don’t they get hearing aids”: Hearing aids are really, really hard work to adapt to. Everything sounds completely different, not just louder. It’s possible for the sound to be uncomfortably loud but for speech to still not be understandable. Some audiologists are unhelpful. It was hell for me as a relatively younger person; for someone elderly it can be almost impossible. It’s nothing like glasses, that you put on and bingo, perfect vision. Hearing aids just allow you to hear a bit more, but not everything.

A good quality modern phone might help a lot. It’s sound clarity that’s needed, plus the ability to boost the volume when needed. Look at the Connevans website for ideas.

Thanks for reference @FictionalCharacter ,ans for the info, didn't realise how much of a challenge it was to get used to hearing aids.

It’s honestly extremely hard @Merrygoroundtoo , some people just give up.

Check she hasn’t got the volume on her phone turned down low.