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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There is a typo on my grandmothers headstone

30 replies

IIama · 09/08/2022 11:22

Hi,

My grandmother died in her 40s when my mother was in her early 20s. I was born a decade after she died. My mother found it too painful so has never visited her grave. I did not even know where it was until my grandfather passed away last year and was buried with her.

I decided to visit this weekend as I was in the area on holiday (it is in Wales and I am in southern England). I noticed a typo on the headstone. It says she was an adopting grandmother. I assume it was meant to say "a doting" grandmother.

I feel bad that it has been this way for nearly 30 years and no one has noticed.

AIBU to want to get it fixed at a cost of a few thousand? Or should I leave it? I have not mentioned it to my mother. I am not sure what her reaction would be.

Thanks

OP posts:
ThePomegranateClause · 09/08/2022 11:31

Oh dear, that's bad. Also bad that nobody who knew her has ever noticed it before. What's that actual wording? Does it say "an adopting grandmother" or just "adopting grandmother"? If the latter you could perhaps get a stone mason to infill the 'ad', create a 'd' from the 'o' and infill parts of the 'p' to create an 'o'. I'd be tempted to have a go myself! Otherwise get a new stone. Is it a shared family stone? Is that why it would cost £££ to replace? Otherwise a single stone should be less than 1k.

Happymumofonee · 09/08/2022 11:42

Hi OP,

If it has the word 'an' before it, I'd assume it was meant to be 'an adoring grandmother'.

Original poster
IIama · 09/08/2022 11:48

@ThePomegranateClause It is bad isn’t it? She was adored by my mother and grandfather but they both just found it too painful to ever visit. I share my grandmothers name. My mother says she isn’t really there so that is why she has never been.

The headstone is quite large. It has my great grandmother, grandmother and grandfather on it. It cost £1,200 just to add my grandfather to the headstone last year. It says “an adopting grandmother”.

I might contact a stonemason just to see if they can suggest something. Thank you for the idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
IIama · 09/08/2022 11:49

@Happymumofonee Ah yes, I think maybe you are right.

OP posts:
GodspeedJune · 09/08/2022 11:53

Ah, that’s such a shame. I would want to get it amended too, hopefully a stonemason will be able to assist at a reasonable cost to you.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/08/2022 11:55

Had this happen with a relative of mine. Honestly, this long after the fact I'd just try to laugh it off.

LunaMuffinTop · 09/08/2022 11:58

That’s bad I would assume that it should say adoring I would see how much it would cost to have it fixed.

vroom321 · 09/08/2022 11:58

Assuming she had grandchildren other than yourself?

vroom321 · 09/08/2022 11:59

My mum spelt my grandmas surname wrong. Obviously this was also her and for 25 years lol

WhenDovesFly · 09/08/2022 12:00

Hi OP

I'm a funeral arranger and we organise masonry too.

You can get a quote from a stonemason. If the stone needs to be amended they may wish to renovate it at the same time if it's suffering from any wear and tear. A quote should be free though.

However one thing to bear in mind - if your grandmother is buried in a public cemetery then you must be the person named as the grave owner on the deeds to get any amendments made to the stone.

larkstar · 09/08/2022 12:02

I would leave it - it's a family story to pass on.

After my aunt died I inherited suitcases of old paperwork - letters, old birth, marriage and death certificates, and discovered that my nan's headstone has her first name spelled incorrectly - a double "l" where there should only be one; almost no one will know.

LindseyStauffer · 09/08/2022 12:02

To address the elephant in the room... are you sure she didn't have any stepgrandkids? Or adopt in any way? That seems like an odd typo to make given that it makes sense...

If not and it's a typo honestly I'd just leave it. I doubt anyone who's dead would want the living to spent hundreds of pounds on changing something like that. She will never be aware of it.

If you are wealthy and have endless cash then go for it if it won't make any difference to your life. But if not I think it's a daft idea for the sake of something like that!

Somatronic · 09/08/2022 12:03

I'd try to see the funny side. For over 20 years my uncle's gravestone said "and his brothers John and Daniel" when it should have read "uncles". As it happens my uncle did have 2 brothers with those names who were in their 20s when this mistake was made. So my 2 uncles were erroneously marked as dead on the gravestone instead of their uncles.

No one paid much attention to it and we eventually fixed it when my grandfather died a few decades later.

I always found it kind of funny, rather than upsetting.

Albern · 09/08/2022 12:03

12 years ago when my Dad died I made a mistake in the information I gave the headstone engraver I put 05 instead of 04, when I spotted my mistake I phoned them and they charged me £35 to put it right. They said it happened quite alot , I thought it would be in the hundreds.

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 09/08/2022 12:03

Are you 100% sure no one was adopted? If so, it would be easy enough to get it changed. Or you could leave it as a dummy quirk for generations to come to laugh at.

TokyoTen · 09/08/2022 12:14

You'll need to be the owner of the grave plot to get any work done. Usually if you call the local council they can advise who manages the cemetery and then you can call them to find out who owns the grave plot.

However, in view of the length of time I'd leave it.

starfishmummy · 09/08/2022 12:16

IIama · 09/08/2022 11:48

@ThePomegranateClause It is bad isn’t it? She was adored by my mother and grandfather but they both just found it too painful to ever visit. I share my grandmothers name. My mother says she isn’t really there so that is why she has never been.

The headstone is quite large. It has my great grandmother, grandmother and grandfather on it. It cost £1,200 just to add my grandfather to the headstone last year. It says “an adopting grandmother”.

I might contact a stonemason just to see if they can suggest something. Thank you for the idea.

It is possible that the stone could be polished back and re-done. We have had to have it done twice to the same stone....
But both corrections were done immediately they happened, clearly the fault of the Mason (first time) and the funeral director (second time) so we didn't have to pay.

MrsElm · 09/08/2022 12:20

Is the lettering in capitals? P can easily be changed to R, if so?

Johnnysgirl · 09/08/2022 12:26

Why are you assuming anything? If you don't feel able to ask your mother (or whoever commissioned the headstone), you'll need to let it go.
It's quite odd to assume "an adopting" was a typo for "a doting".

Or indeed take it for granted that it's a typo at all.

TroysMammy · 09/08/2022 12:31

Did people not related to her look on her as the grandmother they didn't have?

LindseyStauffer · 09/08/2022 12:33

Also good point made by a PP, this might not have been an error from the stonemasons at all. Maybe the person who wrote the text out to be carved got it wrong.

wonderstuff · 09/08/2022 12:38

WhenDovesFly · 09/08/2022 12:00

Hi OP

I'm a funeral arranger and we organise masonry too.

You can get a quote from a stonemason. If the stone needs to be amended they may wish to renovate it at the same time if it's suffering from any wear and tear. A quote should be free though.

However one thing to bear in mind - if your grandmother is buried in a public cemetery then you must be the person named as the grave owner on the deeds to get any amendments made to the stone.

Sorry to hijack thread, but I’d it possible/easy to get deeds to a plot transferred? I would like to bury ashes of a relative in a family plot and add him to the headstone, however the owners of said plot are deceased. This is in a chapel graveyard.

starfishmummy · 09/08/2022 13:02

wonderstuff · 09/08/2022 12:38

Sorry to hijack thread, but I’d it possible/easy to get deeds to a plot transferred? I would like to bury ashes of a relative in a family plot and add him to the headstone, however the owners of said plot are deceased. This is in a chapel graveyard.

Show quote history

There are provisions to transfer in certain circumstances but you would need to check with the local council or possibly the church/Chapel concerned. Various proofs are often required so probably not that simple.

wonderstuff · 09/08/2022 13:07

Thank you

Sweetleftfood · 09/08/2022 13:14

So if she died at 40 did she have grandchildren? you came along 10 years after she died, if I read correctly?

I don't think I would change it either, do you think your mum or other relatives will visit at all?

Hope you get it sorted, for all it's worth, you may as well get a quote even if you are not the owner of the plot