Husband's Work Stress

[Hulahoops78]

DH is MD for an organisation. He is the breadwinner. I work full time in the week. DH is up at 5.15 every morning and usually home around 7pm.

His job is pretty stressful, more so at the moment as they're going through a difficult patch thanks to the effects of Covid.

The problem is I've started to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around DH as the stress of his work is now being brought home. The tone for the evening is set when he walks through the door and announces he has had a bad day.

I'm tired by the time he comes home and just want to chill out. Instead it becomes all about work. He will sit next to me on the sofa, but is on his phone doing work emails and not talking to me.

I listen to what he has to say, but when I say anything he just says "you don't understand" or "you have no idea." Last night I tried to offer so.e solutions, which he just threw back at me.

This isn't a one off. The stress is constantly on and off. I'm fed up with it. I feel like his job has come between us. I feel if I'm having a rough time with anything it is insignificant to his stress.

Weekends he just wants to sleep. I've tried to tell him that I've started to feel lonely and like we never have any quality time together. He just sats I'm comparing us to others on FB.

Last night was the worst it has ever been and after being told again I don't understand, I walked away and came to bed.

I'm knackered as well as I'm working full time and also doing all the childcare too.

I'm worried for DH as if he carries on like this he is going to give himself a heart attack through all the stress.

I'm at a loss. I've really had enough. Tried to support but he also just says "do you want me to go and shelf stack at Tesco."

Anybody else experiencing or experienced this. I feel the job has consumed him, is he priority.

Tomorrow we are meant to be going to stay with the in-laws. I've asked whether this is a good idea at this time and that was met with "well if you don't want to go, just me (him) and DD will go."

I feel he is taking it all out on me, but in the company of others he is the happiest person ever .

Sounds like my ex husband. He was like this for years and then he left me. I don’t have any advice other than couples counselling. This is something I feel “might” have helped my relationship (possibly) hopefully someone will be along with some good advice soon x

First thing I did was say to my DH that I did not want to hear about his work. Not a word of it.
Like you, he was coming home and complaining about it. I’d offer my thoughts of a solution but it was sneered at, as I didn’t know anything about his work.
Eventually he ended up on antidepressants , and in the end it cost him his career. Our marriage is now just companionship due to my resentment of all that went on then and since.
TBH you’re already a single parent and life would be much less stressful without him. He needs to commit a regular weekly slot to the kids, and to you. If he can’t/won’t he has checked out of family life.

Let him and DD go. The time apart might do you good.

Your DH is working very hard and he is stressed. He presumably feels he has a lot of pressure on him.

Could you try to listen without suggesting solutions? I would say to him 'It sounds such a nightmare, you must be knackered' which is what I would say to a friend.

It is not sustainable to live this way long term, but I have just recently come out of a period of stress and feel so grateful my DH was understanding. I'm not talking about being a surrendered wife, but you are sounding a bit selfish because you don't seem very worried about him, more about the impact on you.

A selfish wife? Seriously?

This stress has been going on in every job he has done . I've put up with a lot, including him messaging other women. So please don't tell me I'm selfish.

Messaging other women ?
Right, send him and DD off to the IL’s and plan your escape.

I didn;t say you were a selfish wife, I said your OP reads quite selfish as it is focused only on yourself.

You have just dripfed two things:

1. This has gone on in every job
2. Messaging other women - this is a big piece of new information

If you want to leave, you can. But yes I would suggest he goes to your ILs alone, as then you will get a rest too.

Being an MD or a CEO can be an extremely lonely, thankless job, where often you are taking on an enormous amount of accountability for the performance of an organisation without the support strictures built in to help share some of that burden.

Does he see himself as stressed? He's probably quite a capable individual if he has got to this level in his career, what advice does he give to others in the same situation?

Ultimately trying to problem solve is probably not going to help - its likely as a pp said he is looking to download as part of unloading as opposed to looking for solutions.

However I think he needs to have an open discussion about stress levels and how to start to address them - Irrespective of the job, it is still only a job and not worth trading off your personal life for it. Lots of people have written about this, and there is lots of industry coaching and support - eg networks of other senior individuals, leadership coaching - but as the MD he needs to be the person to take responsibility and put this in place.

Some of the best leaders I have worked with have been the most relaxed - but it has taken years of a growth mindset and finding advice in the right places, whilst establishing the right team around them - to make this work for them

I had this with my ex and was just about too say he was never too stressed or too busy to play golf : and I see that your husband managed to message other women . I'm sure he wasn't talking about his stress then !
Let him go with DD and take some time for yourself. Its no way to live , he is taking you for granted . Its up to you what happens next.

I’d let him go and have some time to yourself. And let him have some time too.

i don’t see where the good is for either of you in this relationship.

There must be some middle ground between being this stressed and stacking shelves. As long as you aren't pressuring him to bring in a certain income or can't control your own debt/spending, then this isn't your fault. It is in his power to make a change if he's really so unhappy. The trouble is, deep down, they like the status and like to project to everyone else that they are superman. The payoff is that you are facilitating every other part of their life and having all their stress taken out on you.

I would have a frank conversation about how, if he is that stressed/unhappy, you are prepared to support the changes that need to happen to improve things, but in return, he needs to find some other ways to manage stress and start to see you as a person again, and invest in your relationship. If he genuinely does want to improve things, in my experience, just knowing that you are prepared to support an exit route from a difficult job can make the pressure feel less. However, if he is not prepared to make any changes and this is more than just a short-term stressful period, you have to carefully consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

I'm senior in a high pressure job in a male dominated Industry. I'm also a single parent. Do I bring the stress home? No. Because I have a child who needs me to be a parent.

He's being a knob and has been for years. I see men like him every day, making it all about them and they are always quite mediocre too.

Let him go off with DD, give yourself the break. He can be a parent for once.

Go book a massage or lunch with a friend and think about how your life might be much easier if you separate.

My life is very peaceful. Yes it's hard sometimes as I'm a lone parent but at least if you divorced you could co parent.

Him messaging other women is the tip of that iceberg I'm betting.

Sorry you are living like this OP, must be very stressful.

With your update, perhaps you husband has more things stressing him than work.

You don’t mention your ages, but do you want to carry on like this for x number of years, you need to communicate that things need to change, tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels too. Try to come to an agreement, that will give you both what you need to live happy lives, whether that’s together or apart.

Good luck OP.

I have this exact situation except my husband has never contacted other women.

It's extremely taxing and pervasive. I really don't have any solution except to say I am working on being more self-reliant and resilient/ impervious to the daily moaning.

We do have great times together and I try not to let them be overshadowed by the negativity. He chose the job, he wanted the huge house and mortgage etc, so I just try to listen without getting too involved now as his problems are very specific.

In your situation, sounds like there are other problems. Work out what your limits are or you could be in for a very long road ahead of resent.

I've been the long hours , senior pressured job, breadwinner, stress-head in our household. It's hard for everyone and is a lonely place sometimes.

A couple of ideas:

1. agree that you'll have a specific 'decompress slot' at home to allow him -and you - to vent about the work bullshit and worries , and you to listen to,each other, nod, wipe his fevered brow, get a bit sweary, and hopefully help him (and you) to get a release and some perspective. Outside of that he's not allowed to talk about work. At all. This is all about healthy boundaries.

2. get him to agree to keeping his work phone out of the bedroom every night. Possibly encourage this by spending the ex-phone time with some intimacy and sex (if you want it). I used to have bad dreams, and wake up with palpitations and in a sweat worrying about work things. Sometimes crying with all the pressure. It was really, really hard. Just hold each other, reassure him that nothings the end of the world as long as you and the family are healthy and happy.

3. talk to him. About how important you know his job is to you all , and the people who work for him. Let him know that you appreciate his hard work. That you empathise (but can't fully experience) the pressure. That you can help him to decompress. I'm not talking going into full 1950s housewife mode (because you're not and he needs to understand and appreciate you too). Let him know that you also have significant pressure, of a different kind. That you need support and love tool. That rather than spending energy on winding each other up, you focus the little time and energy you do have on supporting each other. It kind of doubles the power of it if you pull together (I know you know this but I'm suspecting he can't see the wood for the trees and is likely to need reminding) . There was once a reason you chose each other and to spend a life together. What was that? Is it still there?

4. Suggest a thing you can do together, even just once a week - a game of darts at the pub, a 5 mile walk on a Sunday, a game of tennis, anything that gets you out of the house together, breaking the monotony and routine. It's sacrosanct time, never to be overtaken by a work crisis (there will always be a work crisis of some kind!).

5. the other woman thing is shit. It will likely be the classic escape scenario, where he (stupidly) thinks that he will get a simpler life if he goes elsewhere. He's kidding himself of course and it's all part of a fantasy of escape from the pressure. Doesn't make it any less shitty but maybe makes it a bit more understandable. Focus on your relationship, feed it, and strengthen it (if you want it to continue, which it seems you do). If he strays again, then be clear on the consequences. If he does it again he could end up in a shitty flat, all alone washing out his pants. Remind him of that reality. And that the work pressure would still be there.

It's also worth setting some time to talk about joint life goals. It's easy to get on the treadmill, with goals we set ourselves years back that we slavishly aim for, when the world around us -and we ourselves- have changed. Is this high flying life what he really wants ? Do you want it? What is is giving you both, and you as a family? What do you want your life to be like? Can you downsize and have a simpler life?

I've just taken a sabbatical and can tell you that it's life affirming, life changing in more ways than you can imagine. The freedom from corporate bullshit is like having a ton lifted off my back. I'm a different person. Not sure where I go next and how long the freedom can last but a simpler life is possible.

In short, change the game, work together (if he will), and make sure what you are doing is really working for you all. If it's not, change it. You have one short life.

Agree with this - he doesn't sound very nice at all.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You work FT too. Why on earth are you expected to be an emotional sponge for him?

And he's messaging other women. What is the point of him?

You and your kids would be happier without him.

I'd be out.

OP you are anything but selfish and anyone suggesting otherwise is really misreading this situation.

It was just like your situation in our marriage, it took him being fired (COVID related bankruptcy of company) and a bit of a breakdown then a new job that was more balanced for him to get out of that hole, which he can now look back on and see was a really toxic situation. Tbh not sure what we would have done if that hadn't happened.

My feeling was that he was only propping up work by literally letting go of making any effort in any other area, because it was not possible to take on anything else around work. I think it might help to really make him see, like a trial separation, what is being ruined by work and then set really strong boundaries. He's sleptwalked into taking work home every night and taking it out on you and for a start he needs a wake up call that he has to stop doing that.