To be pissed off and furious?

[HerRoyalHappiness]

This is going to be long so bare with me.

I brought in a feral cat. (Black cat) He was blind in one eye and needed surgery on the other (which he's not long had and has had his stitches out yesterday) I already had two cats. (Ginger cat and tuxedo cat)
Tuxedo cat took a dislike to black cat. They didn't get on at all.
My ex had asked to take tuxedo with him when he first left so I gave tuxedo to ex, but I was still providing food and litter for him as ex claimed he couldn't
afford to. I told him that unless he paid he was still my cat. He agreed and everything went well.

At first.

Ex then bought snek. The snake. And since buying snek has lost all interest in tuxedo.
I went round yesterday to check on things as DS1 had told me that they were bad.

Tuxedos wet food had gone dry and crusty, his dry food had swollen with damp, his water dispenser was black with mould and slime. His litter had 6 poos in it and stank to high heaven.

I told ex that the cat was coming home to me and I'd deal with reintroduction. I gave him the night to say his good byes.

Tuxedo came home yesterday (monday). When I sent him I put a puppy pad inside the carrier in case he peed or anything on his way. He came back with the same puppy pad in the carrier, covered in stale urine and mould. The carrier reeked. Everything, including the cat bed needed washing and disinfecting. He's now holed up in my bedroom until we can sort a decent screen door out to separate the living room and kitchen (tuxedo can open regular doors).

He's nervous and flinching. He didn't even jump up on my bed like he used to.

I called him up and he jumped up and led down the bottom of the bed. So I stroked him and he turned around then fell asleep with me holding his paw.

My poor kitten. Had ex just told me he couldn't cope with both pets I'd have taken tuxedo back sooner and brought him home. But he lied to me and told me that he was fine.

Tuxedos lost 3lb in weight. I have him booked in for a vet check on friday to make sure he's OK and there is no underlying condition causing the weight loss.

But I'm so so angry. At myself too for believing ex would take care of him. I feel so guilty for letting him go there. I really thought ex would look after him. But since he got snek he's become uninterested and according to my DC, throws things at tuxedo to keep him away from sneks vivarium. No wonder the poor thing is flinching when we lift our hands. Ex will of course deny this because God forbid he take any responsibility for his actions.
And despite not paying tuxedo any attention he told the DC today that "Mummy stole my cat"
Luckily the DC are just glad to have tuxedo back with us and paid no attention to their dad's rambling.

So now I'm working on getting tuxedo settled again. I'm not even thinking about reintroduction until he's happy and settled and realises we won't hurt him.

AIBU to be so pissed off at him or should I be more pissed off at myself for trusting that he'd take care of a defenceless animal?

And the reason I was wondering if I'm being unreasonable is ex has a way of getting in my head and convincing me I'm in the wrong no matter what I do. He told the DC that I had stolen his cat, kicked off at me over the phone for taking the cat back but he refused to even take him to the vet when he started losing weight unexpectedly.
He also kicked off at me because I contacted CMS to make him pay for his kids as he refused to pay me any money at all. He's now on about moving back in with his parents as "you doing that means I can't afford to live"
So I'm always questioning myself, am I doing the right thing? Maybe I am being too harsh on him etc etc.

Clearly over this I'm not being unreasonable.

Let's think about this logically.

1. Your ex is clearly a colossal bellend to treat the poor cat like that and refuse to pay for his own kids.

2.You sound like a nice person to take in a poorly car and do your best for all pets and people involved. Backed up by your kids reactions here, especially the eldest.

1. Your ex is using your mental health struggles to make you think you are not a nice person to him, probably because you have called him out on his behaviour.

Given that information, do you think you are in the wrong?

To be totally honest, I think you're going to find your biggest flaw here is believing someone else is capable of being a nice person to an innocent animal because you wouldn't be capable of not being nice to it. Unfortunately it's a tough lesson realising not everyone is a decent human being.

Your poor cat, but there is no way you could have known that your ex wouldn't look after him. Focus on the fact that he's back where he will be loved and cared for - he'll soon realise that he has you back under his paw😻

As for your ex, don't give him the headspace. He's not worth it (and it sounds like he likes playing the martyr), both you and your cats have had a lucky escape. You deserve better💐

My mum used to get/give away pets on a whim so this thread is frustrating to read tbh. I voted you were unreasonable because there were red flags about the cat situation from the beginning, him refusing to pay for the cats was pretty indicative of his lack of commitment to the situation. I think you have been unreasonable throughout, you didn't even try to rehome the black cat? Just assumed that it would be difficult? So rehomed Tuxedo in an unsuitable environment instead? I know you've answered that there was no need for concern because your ex only ignores your DC, he doesn't abuse them? I literally don't know what to say to that.

I didn't give away tux on a whim. I gave him to someone I believed would care for him.
As for the situation with the kids, I cannot risk the courts saying I'm alienating them from their dad. I need him to properly fuck up. Trust me, I'm watching and waiting for it.

So sorry to hear what Tuxedo had to go through and what you have had to deal with from this man.

The only one who is responsible for his behaviour is him! He owns it, not you. Please don't blame yourself for his treatment of your cat. It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job of resettling and healing Tuxedo xx

Are you always so pedantic?

I think snek is the snakes name...not that it makes a difference to the point of this post....🙄

It's obvious you don't understand family court. Convicted paedophiles still get access to their children via the courts. Watching TV all day is not going to be on their radar for concern!

My comment was nothing to do with the children, and nothing to do with family court. I don't know enough to comment on that (And I worked for children and families SW department so I know children playing games all day is not top of their radar). My comment was purely on the basis why would the OP think he would take good care of the cat when he ignores his children? She already knows he ignores the children, she's waiting for him to mess up further with the kids based on previous behaviour? So why would he take care of the cat? It doesn't make sense to me.

It doesn’t sound like black cat was a feral, they can’t be “tamed”? Maybe he was just a stray. Have you have him scanned for a microchip?

I am glad the cat is back with you and well.
However, ex sounds like a Dick who won’t even adequately care for his children so why the hell did you let him take the cat?

Black cat was given to me by previous owner who told me he couldn't cope with him as he was feral. He left him to go blind and become unwell with infection after infection. Its no wonder he acted "feral" poor love was in constant pain.
He's now neutered, microchipped in my name, registered at the vet as mine and he's vaccinated.

I let the cat go because when we were together ex was fantastic with the cats. (Ginger and tuxedo) He showed him love and attention, he fed him, cleaned the litter trays, even taught him to give high fives. So of course I thought he'd look after him properly. He'd never given me any reason to doubt his behaviour with animals.

OP

Poor Tuxedo. Lots of TLC for him and don’t forget TLC for yourself.

I have heard excellent things about Jackson Galaxy’s guide to introducing cats, hopefully this will help to minimise further stress:

www.jacksongalaxy.com/blog/the-dos-and-donts-of-introducing-cats/

Thank you for the link. My mum mentioned Jackson Galaxy too.

We've separated them off apart from each other for now. I'm not even considering getting them together for the time being. Just letting tux settle in and get used to being back here.

If his animal care is this poor, what on earth is he like with the children? Are you sure that he's got the skills to provide a clean, warm and loving home as it sounds pretty disgusting and unfriendly from your description.

Unfortunately his standards don't reach to the point that anyone would be interested and it would be me getting into trouble for parental alienation.

The last thing that I need with my health, (physical and mental) is to be dragged through the courts and have every aspect of my life scrutinised and told i did the wrong thing by stopping contact.