dp's friend giving money to one child and not the other - again!!

[Alishanty]

Dp thinks I am overreacting but here goes. Just as last year, dp's friend has given dp's dd (my sd) £10 for christmas and our little boy nothing. As I have said, he did it last year and I wasn't happy, the excuse dp gave is that sd is older (she is now 11 and our ds is 17 mths). Dp says I shouldn't be ungrateful and he didn't have to give her anything. My argument is that he didn't have to spend twice as much but could have given £5 each or said buy the kids something with this OR dp should have taken it upon himself to split it between them and tell the friend that's what he was doing. This friend hasn't got kids but even so I think you should know that you treat all kids the same regardless of age, what happens if it carries on when my ds is old enough to realise? Even if it doesn't happen again, sd knows the friend gave to her and not her brother. I know sd is seen as a bit hard done by because of her home situation but I just don't think people should treat them differently.

I totally agree with you. When my ds was born my mum made a point of telling me that she would never buy one without the other just because ds was a baby and didn't understand yet.
I think the only person who ever has is my siter and I did say to her after she had done it a couple of times, she is not being nasty just not thinking.

I think your dp should have split the money and said the the friend he was doing this it is a subtle way of saying it to him.

I had the same feelings never expected twice as much just the £10 split.

So no YANBU.

Well, people will treat them differently if they consider that their home situations are different. The friend may think that because your ds has two parents at home loving him he is well provided for. However, your sd obviously only lives with one parents she is missing out on that.

My sister is a single parent of two children. My whole family treat her children more favourably because they feel they have to make up for the fact that they don't live with their dad as well. My children are considered to have a better life because both their parents are with them.

Not sure there's much you can do about it if dp won't either split the money or tackle his friend about it.

This really annoys me.My MIL spend £80 on dd1 and £10 on dd2 this xmas.I was really pissed off told OH to tell her not to do it again or she could have the presents back.I will not have one of my girls being treated better than the other.

My fathers parents did this to me as a kid.
They gave a card and £10 to all the kids except me, but they did include my younger sister whom my dad never saw and who lived hundreds of miles away!

My dad told me not to be upset and that they probably just got our names confused! My GP's...forgot my name...my dad sent the money to my younger sis...I got nothing and everyone else got money...I was 11!!

It was really upsetting. Obviously because I still remember it!

he is only 17mo though, he wouldn't have a clue would he.

Maybe if it happens again, he could indirectly say something, like thanks for the present, it's ok if I split it right, cos we don't like them being treated differently or hwatever, so if it was a genuine oversite it brings it to attention & if deliberate, still gets the massage across that you won't accept them being treated differently.

No, not at 17 months...but whose to say it will happen when he is older.

The guy sounds like a pillock really. I mean, how much would an age appropriate toy cost?

Sorry but I think you are all mad.

Blokes don't have the first clue about buying toys and I would be seriously stunned of any of them got something appropriate for a baby that the baby didn't already have. My DH has a mate who really tries and always gets it woefully wrong. The others don't bother.

He has a relationship with your SD that has been ongoing, and she will expect a xmas present. Therefore he gets her one. He will do the same with your DS in due course.

He may be being a bit insensitive, but you are blowing this up by making an issue out of it. And what exactly do you hope to achieve? Have DP 'tell off' his mate? (won't happen). Or just have the hump for a while longer with your DP because he won' tell off his mate? You are on the lose-lose here. and even worse, your SD will feel as if you are picking on her for something that isn't her fault.. all for a bit of moral high ground?

Your DS is 17 months old. He doesn't need presents. let it go.

Squiffy: "Your DS is 17 months old. He doesn't need presents. let it go."

Well said.

I think you are over-reacting.

Agree with other posters that you're overreacting. An 11-year-old (who understands what money is and what it can buy her, and can interact properly with DP's friend, and who he has probably known for a long time and perhaps feels sorry for is her home situation is bad) is very different to a 17-month-old. I wouldn't bat an eyelid. Do you think it's possible that you're being a bit sensitive as the money went to your stepchild and not your own DS too?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your SD is 11 and your DP/s froiend has known her for a whle. A 11 year old will enjoy having £10 to spend. Your DS is 17 months and won't even notivce.

She obviously feels upset. So U doesn't really apply here.

I can see there may be a bigger issue. This is her first child and the gift is from one of her dp's friends to his daughter from a previous relationship.

Maybe she feels like ds not getting a gift means that he may not be entirely accepted by her dp's friends. Most of us know what it can be like living in the shadow of "those who came before". It is all about acknowledgment at Xmas and it is a bit of a slap in the face.

YNBU imo, agree with what sugarmatches said, dp's friend could at least, have bought your ds a small toy, it doesnt matter that a 17mth old will not understand, its like the friend is not acknowledging that he is your dp's child too! i would be annoyed!