Trans friend

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I desperately don't want to say the wrong thing, and I want to support my lovely friend. Which I will do, whatever they choose/whoever they are, whatever the weather!

My friend, who I've grown up with as female, came out as gay a year ago. They have been sadly met with a great deal of hostility from their family.

They have very recently said to me that perhaps they are male, and are thinking about pursuing surgery.

I can't shake the feeling that my friend has an almost internalised sense of homophobia due to not being accepted by family, and feels they will be accepted as a straight male rather than a gay female - this is an opinion I should keep to myself, right? And just be supportive?

Is it transphobic of me to think wanting to transition is sometimes mixed up with internalised homophobia?

I adore my friend, I want the best for them.

If you are genuinely looking to support your friend, then I don’t think the AIBU board on Mumsnet is the best place to ask for advice.

I would have the same concerns. How old is your friend? What’s your relationship like? Can you encourage her to slowdown or is she likely to take offensive do you think?

How come there’s so many trans threads tonight?

This. In buckets full.

Although many people who grow up in religious/homophobic households have at least a little bit of internalized homophobia, I don’t think that is the case here. If your friend is thinking about medically transitioning, then I think that their decision to do that is out of a gender identity crisis. Many people have this (all ages) and often the beginning of it could be questioning sexuality. Remember, communication is key so if you have any serious questions, ask your friend but try to be open-minded.

She's late 20s, I'd say we have a good friendship; we're both quite positive people and focus chatting about our shared hobbies and general chit-chat rather than in-depth conversations, though.

When she came out as gay, it was very much in passing and she skirted over it, I was as warm and supportive as possible, so she knows I support her 100% which I think is why she's confided in me about transitioning, but again, this wasn't an in depth discussion and I didn't pursue it when she changed conversation.

I want to be sensitive and not offend!

Remember, communication is key so if you have any serious questions, ask your friend but try to be open-minded.

I will, thank you. The trouble is, I'm nervous about approaching any questions for fear of saying something naive/offensive.

I'll do some research, though it feels like an overwhelmingly big topic that is also very individual.

I dunno I can't imagine a family that's homophobic not being transphobic too? I would just support her/him I guess they have some sort of counselling as part of the transition?

Is it transphobic of me to think wanting to transition is sometimes mixed up with internalised homophobia?

I don't think so. Whistle blowers at the Tavistock expressed concern that gender non conforming children who they thought in all likelihood would grow up to be same sex attracted were being pushed down the path of transition to avoid homophobia. Some parents told clinicians they would rather have a trans child than a gay child.

Your friend must be very hurt by her family's rejection, it's upsetting to hear that such attitudes persist so I'm very glad she has a good friend to continue to support her.

Your OP makes it very obvious you have her best interests at heart and I think you could gently probe her reasons for thinking surgery would be the right decision for her without alienating her. Perhaps suggest some counselling or therapy to help process her family's treatment of her. She may come to realise that is the cause of her to desire to change her body.

Of course it's possible that surgery could be the right choice but starting to consider it after an emotional traumatic experience suggests the two could be connected and it would be unwise to rush such a big decision. I think I would say as much to her.

Whatever happens it's good you will be there for her.

Yeah there might be a better place to ask?

Why is this such a persistent attitude? There are all sorts of people on Mumsnet, with all sorts of views. The mods delete transphobia, so you won't see any. This isnt KiwiFarms.

I personally have given a lot of my time on here to advising people about sexuality and gender, having experienced issues with both over the years. To discount the whole forum as "transphobic" is incredibly short-sighted.

I think you are right as in some countries where it’s illegal to be gay but not to transition many gay individuals transition due to escape the judgement and punishment. Your friend could feel similar in that her family would accept the transition over the homosexuality. It’s hard to bring it up though in case you get it wrong. Such a personal thing for her/him.

I’m not discounting the whole forum as transphobic. AIBU in particular is a pretty brutal place sometimes, and seems an odd choice to start when looking for support on a difficult and sensitive topic.

You don't need to have the answers or 'right' things to say. Just be their friend, listen, if they want your help then be there. It's not your job to affirm or challenge right now.
It sounds like they've had a really tough time and need some kindness.

Of course homophobia is a route to transitioning.
It's openly talked about by older traditional transsexuals.
Magic away the gay...

It's more likely however that your friend is caught up in the trend to trans, it's very compelling right now. Very fashionable. They've probably spent a lot of time on social media.

Christian here. I would just like to point out that most of us aren’t homophobic!
Sadly some are (as are some atheists) and they can be vocal, giving the impression that they are more numerous than they perhaps are.
OP, I wouldn’t try to analyse things. Just be a friend, listen, support but don’t try and be diagnosing anything.

I feel sorry for your friend and you seem like a good friend. I would tell them you care and that you will always be there for them (assuming that’s what you feel). Encourage them not to rush into anything and to seek some proper counselling in order to support their decision making.

Is it transphobic of me to think wanting to transition is sometimes mixed up with internalised homophobia?

No, not at all, I think this is very prevalent actually