To be fed up of being a step mum?

[cunkers]

I'm finding it so hard.

I have 1 dc from a previous relationship and one with my husband. I have a great relationship with my step daughter. I always have done and we are very very close so I don't feel I can be the problem. Or am I? My step daughter is from a separate relationship.

The issue is with my step son. I've been in his life since he was a toddler. He is now 9. There has been an issue for a long time but neither his mother or my husband have realised it until the last few months.

When my step son returns home, he has began crying to his mum about when he gets told off in our house. We have been away for a few days where his behaviour wasn't great - his dad dealt with this though. I then looked after him yesterday and both myself and my mum had to tell him off. My mum because he ran into the road. This was not telling him off - more because he was running into the road and my mum had to react. I also had to tell him off for trying to remove my daughters hands (she's 4) off the swing that he wanted to go on in the park. She was screaming and he was screaming at her.

When he has returned home, he has cried and says he feels like no one likes him. He failed to tell his mother about the bad behaviour he displayed when we were away and only told her about the times myself and my mum had to tell him off. His mother then made my step son call my husband and tell him why he was crying.

Now this has been going on for years. It's only been picked up on now by both his mum and dad however people around us (on our side of the family) have come to me before to say they can see something is not right with my step son. My step daughter doesn't have a close relationship with him. She tried for years but half the time, my step son refuses to speak to his sister. They just aren't close.

He is the type of child that will do things deliberately and then say it was an accident. For example, the other week all the kids were drawing and colouring. My step son drew all over my daughters drawing (which was actually very good and I made a comment that it was probably the best picture she had ever done). He drew all over it and then when questioned, he said he thought it was rubbish - to go in the bin.

He's done it many times in birthday cards, if you ask him to write his name, he will scribble out the other kids names.

If you ask him not to do something, he will do it. When my daughter was a baby, he would deliberately be loud to wake her up and then claim he didn't know she was asleep. I have so many examples of this kind of behaviour.

Also at the weekend, he gave my daughter the box of one of his toys and shoved it in her face. The box then bent and he went crying to his dad saying our daughter had broken the box and she did it on purpose.

This has been going on since as long as I can remember. I have tried so many times to speak to my husband about it gently. I've told him I feel my step son is very jealous of the other children and maybe he just needs some alone time with his dad. It falls on dead ears.

Now his mother is also a huge problem unfortunately. She gives my husband a hard time about anything. If we send him home in the wrong shoes, she is distraught- not joking. She will moan if we don't do anything with him on a weekend. She feels it's acceptable to book holidays/weekends away on my husbands time without asking. She deliberately took him away for Father's Day this year which was my husbands time.

We always have my step son half the holidays but she will always change it last minute so he comes earlier and stays for longer which means I look after him alone. I work in a school so I'm off for school holidays but she well and truly uses me for childcare. I had him for the first week of the holidays and it was a nightmare. At home with his mum, he is allowed to swear. He tells me his mum finds it funny. We don't allow swearing in our house so I have to repeatedly ask him to stop.

She will not refer to me by my name. She refers to me as 'her' and calls our children 'a bunch of people who are more important than her son'. She admits she's asks my step son a lot of questions when he gets home to check we have looked after him properly.

So add it all together and it's all just one giant mess with one very confused kid in the middle. I don't think I can do it anymore. It's getting to the point where I cannot say anything to him without him going home crying to his mum.

I love him very much, treat him as my own - which means he is disciplined in the same way but also loved in the same way. I include him in as much as I can. I'm there for childcare.

But I feel I'm now walking on egg shells around a 9 year old.

I cannot communicate with his mother - she's blocked anyway as apparently I am manipulative and half the issue. Yet she will happily let me look after him when she needs a break.

My husband just thinks the whole issue is that he is sad when it's time for him to leave us. I give up telling him it goes much deeper than that.

I've had enough.

Too late not to have a joint child with your husband when the issues with his first family were nowhere near resolved.

How old is the stepdaughter? Is she a full sibling to this boy? You say sister but the “from another relationship” comment is odd.

The source of the issue is separate homes in general and his mother specifically. You can’t fix the latter, only mitigate. But mitigation means his father stepping up with some effort, and sadly he doesn’t seem to care.

No they aren't full siblings. My step daughter is now 17 almost 18. I've been in her life since she was 10.

We also both a have a great relationship with her mum and her family. We do things with them every now and then.

My husband's relationship with my step sons mother was very short lived - more like a fling I suppose. They tried to keep a relationship when she fell unexpectedly pregnant but it didn't work out.

I wouldn't say he doesn't care. He just can't see what's going on in front of him. And it's draining all my energy trying to make him see.

“My step daughter doesn't have a close relationship with him. She tried for years but half the time, my step son refuses to speak to his sister. They just aren't close.”

Focus on what you think you can change.
He’s a 9yo boy, so no wonder he has little interest in a 17yo girl he’s never lived with, and is - to him - possibly just 1 of 3 children his dad has with 3 mothers. I doubt he sees a lot of permanency in his dad’s relationships so it’s not surprise he isn’t going all out to be close to the latest one.

I think you’re letting your husband off the hook with him not seeing. Poppycock. He doesn’t care enough to see, or to listen to you. Riot act for him, I think.

What do you mean by he doesn't see a lot of permanency? I am the only relationship he has ever known. He's been brought up with my daughter (from previous) and he knows no different. He has a stable home with us.

Unfortunately it's his mother who has given him no stability. She has had another child with a man who already had 7 children. That relationship broke down quickly and she's already onto the next. My step son has been introduced to 4 different men in his life by his mother.

I am in no way putting the blame onto her however she has made some decisions that has ultimately affected his life massively.

She will also take no blame in this what do ever. She blames my husband entirely. While he blames her also. The pair of them are as bad as eachother but it's only me that can see it.

My husband becomes more of a Disney dad when my step sons around. He absolutely dotes on him and gives him everything he asks. But it's not addressing the real issue.

I don't even know what the real issue is anymore.....well I do. It's terrible parenting on both sides.

Both of his parents sound very fickle and chaotic. Of course he is unsettled and jealous. You probably are the one stable adult in his life but you’re not his mum and he senses that your own DC are your priority. You probably mean a great deal to him underneath it all but he’s drawn the short straw with his parents. Poor kid.

You look after the child alone yet his mother doesn't speak to you or acknowledge you in any way? I wouldn't be happy about this as at all as you aren't the trusted adult and children pick up on this.

Your husband should spend time building a real relationship with his son and not expect you to discipline or do child care. Especially given how his mum feels about you.

The poor child is seeking attention

Thank you for saying that. I have always felt until recently that he really respected me despite me having to be quite hard on him sometimes. Now he just doesn't listen to a word I say which I completely understand is his age also.

But it's at a point where I dread him coming and it's awful. Especially because this isn't his fault.

Last night we decided that this coming weekend, I would go stay with family and my husband will spend the full weekend alone with him. This is 100% in the best interest of my step son.

If my husband decides later in the week that we don't need to do that anymore, it will speak volumes to me as it will show he really isn't putting his son first. I think this will be the dealbreaker for me.

And not to be selfish - I need a break from it too. I dread Sunday evenings and the crap we get off his mother every week after he's been dropped off.

I sounds tough for you.

It also sounds like he is caught in a lot of hostility which can't be easy for him.

I guess you have the choice to leave, or continue as you are.

Yes attention seeking is what I've said all along! It's as clear as day.

It's at a point now where he will fall over and pretend to hurt himself and pretend to cry. To me - there's nothing wrong with him. It's all attention. But my husband falls for it every time. He will ask my step son to wiggle his fingers (for example) and he will cry and say he can't so off we go to get an ice pack. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him. It happens at least 3 times in a weekend.

I go along with it obviously but it's more of a cry for attention than the no pain he is in. I don't understand why his parents are absolutely oblivious to this.

I suggested counselling the last time I spoke to his mother about this but she replied and told me I was the most manipulative person she had ever met. That's when I blocked her and haven't spoken with her since.

YANBU.

I have a 9 year old DSS and there's a vein throbbing in my forehead just reading this.

I think you need to be firmer with your DH (and obviously the ex) if you choose to stay, and tell him that you just can't handle providing childcare for him if he (DH) isn't going to listen to you and accept what you say about the issues. I would personally say I am unwilling to do it under those circumstances.

There's a lot to unpack here but I think your DSS is insecure and this is fueled by his mother. I don't know what you do about this but the starting point surely has to be his father building him up, spending time with him, praising him etc. You need to as well but you definitely can't do this alone.

I think you need to make yourself busy with your own stuff so you’re not the go-to childcare. And let go a bit. Develop more of an Aunty role.

I have a similar set-up. I include step-son in all the fun things I do for my kids and have a laugh with him and discipline him the same as I would mine if he’s out with us, but anything else is for my partner and his ex to sort out between them. I give my partner advice and if he takes it or not is up to him. The most I’ve communicated with her is a smile and wave at drop offs and pick ups.

OP, I work with children who often have challenging or complicated family set-ups and have seen many over the years with similar behaviours to your DSS. Behaviour is communication, he's crying out for something that he isn't emotionally mature enough to articulate or even understand. It also sounds as though, despite your best efforts, there has been a lot of upheaval in his life and he has probably witnessed or at least been aware of a lot of conflict between adults. You were absolutely right to suggest counselling. In your shoes I would worry about how your DSS's obvious unhappiness, anger and insecurity will manifest itself as he gets older and moves into adolescence. Without wanting to be alarmist, this is likely to escalate if not addressed. I know his DM wasn't open to the idea of counselling but it's worth talking again to your DH about this, maybe she would accept the suggestion if it came from him and not you? Most schools have a counsellor, and they would be used to working with children in similar circumstances. I also agree that some one on one, positive time with his Dad is absolutely crucial for this child. Your DH needs to be on board with that though, and if you have to badger him to make it happen that's concerning and says a lot about why your DSS doesn't feel secure in their relationship.

Get out Op

life is too short

Thank you so much for this post. It has really put my mind at ease as I was made out the be an awful person and 'over stepping the mark' as a step mum yet I am dragged into arguments and not even referred to by my own name. It was when I tried to defend myself and offer advice that I mentioned the counselling and I got abuse back.

I absolutely agree that he has had no stability whatsoever.

In terms of his mother - she works cash in hand in a pub (I'd like to say it was for my step son but it's for her social life and Botox) so through the week, my step son is very much passed about with her family as she works most nights. As mentioned, she's had numerous relationships and another child with another man. My step son did not like this man at all.

In terms of us, I try my hardest. My husband doesn't realise that my step soon needs quality time with his dad. Part of the main issue we have is that whenever it's suggested that he just has time with his dad, my step son says he would rather play with his siblings. Meaning he calls the shots.

He can have an absolutely great time with his siblings. He gets on incredibly well with my daughter who is slightly older but I fear this won't last as my daughter gets even older - she's going to be into things like make up, going shopping with her friends etc and I know 100% my step son will feel this when it happens. He will feel left out again.

The issue we have is my step son really does call all the shots. I try not to make it like that but my husband thinks it's best. He wants my step son - understandably - to have the best time when he's here. But I have repeatedly said that he is not a guest! This is his home and he has to follow our rules and our boundaries. I have them with my other 2 dc but when he comes, it's all thrown out of the window.

I will absolutely suggest counselling to my husband again. The problem with the pair of them is they would both rather get one over on each other about who's the best parent. They cannot see there is a little boy suffering here right in front of their eyes. They are more concerned about their image.

There is so much to unpick as suggested but the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to unpick and they are both oblivious to it anyway. They would rant her blame eachother over who's at fault.

Also, as previously mentioned. It has been agreed that this weekend coming is just to be spent with my husband and step son alone and I will stay with family. This was all on him and not me which I hope is a positive step but I won't be surprised if I return to this post at some point to say we don't need to do this anymore.

If he sticks to his word then maybe it's finally clicking. If he doesn't then I give up.

Quality time with his dad is good but his dad needs to also set boundaries and make it clear that he has to behave himself appropriately too. Otherwise it’s just going to increase his resentment of you if his dad lets him run the show when they’re alone together all weekend.

Regardless, I wouldn’t be looking after him alone in these circumstances, I’d be telling his mum and dad that they need to work out the childcare themselves.

“The problem with the pair of them is they would both rather get one over on each other about who's the best parent. They cannot see there is a little boy suffering here right in front of their eyes. They are more concerned about their image.”

Why did you decide to have a child with him? Everything you say about him makes him sound like a lazy, selfish, arsehole of a crap dad.

This child is screaming out for boundaries and attention. His parents have taught him life is unpredictable and chaotic; by the sounds of it Mum lacks awareness of the impact of her behavior and how this will have contributed to the insecurity this child feels. He's jealous, insecure and acting out as a way of trying to control what he can (or thinks he can). He is suffering and lacks the skills to manage this, or articulate how he feels. Unsurprisingly, he's resorted to manipulating all of you with the triangle he's created between you / dad and his Mum - they seem oblivious to this, Mum even actively re-enforcing this?! It's a vicious cycle. While it sounds like you are the most stable influence in his life (hence why you are possibly getting the rough end of the stick) he needs this in his relationship with his parents first and foremost. It may feel counter-intuitive but you need to step back, way back. Definitely no looking after him alone - all that does is re-enforce the insecurity. I hate to say it but this will only get worse as he gets older so really best to tackle now before the teen years creep in..

Both parents stepping up and the child definitely needs counselling. Maybe his Dad could raise this with the school? They can arrange counselling at school which is often helpful in situations like this. Mum may be less likely to fuss if it comes at the school's suggestion.

“What do you mean by he doesn't see a lot of permanency? I am the only relationship he has ever known.”

It’s not just about the relationships he can remember.
His dad has had 3 children by 3 differing women.
Even without there being little common ground between a 9yo boy and 4 and 17yo half sisters, why would he think your 4yo - and you - are always going to be in the picture?
See it through his eyes.
At the same time he’s got a sort of stepdad who has 7 kids and has been through 4 “stepdads” on mum’s side.
That boy won’t trust in the permanency of his dad’s relationship - and he's right not to, as it seems you’ve realised you’ve made a mistake with his dad to.

Look at his “siblings” - not a full one among them.
17yo girl - shared dad
Your girl - will probably never see her again when you see the light over her father, not related to him.
4yo girl - shared dad. If you split up with her dad, how well do you really think their dad is going to manage contact with both of them? You’re already doing his parenting for him. Be honest - how much were you a factor in your partner seeing the 17yo? Bet it was a lot.
Half sibling of the man with 7 kids…

That’s 4 children in a “sibling” role, and not a single one has the same set of parents as the others.

That’s what I mean by permanency. Poor kid.

I’m a stepmother by the way, and my own kids have stepfather and stepmother. There’s no moral judgement here on that… but this specific situation is a car crash and his dad is doing nothing to help him.

mum sounds awful too - worse - but that’s not relevant here. The action in your family has to come from dad, but I don’t fancy your chances. 😕

He's screaming out for attention, to feel.part of the family, to not be a spare part. Does he ever get any quality time with dad?

I have to say to do have it wrong about my step daughter. It's a completely different kettle of fish with her. She has a great relationship with her mum and dad. I have a great relationship with her mum and regularly go round for a cup of tea. In fact we are all going out for a family meal in a couple of weeks to celebrate her doing so well in her apprenticeship. Her family came to our wedding.

That's why I find it all very confusing - there are no issues with my step daughter and there hasn't been since I've been in her life.

Me and my step daughter quite regularly go out shopping, have lunch etc. I feel like I should also include my step son in things too as I can't out more effort into one child than I do the other.

Then again....I don't see it as effort with my step daughter. It's just natural and I feel very lucky about that. She is also very close to both my daughters. And I think that's sometimes why my step son finds it hard also. He can see that his half sister gets on well with everyone but he cannot get on with her himself for whatever reason. My step daughter really does try but it's my step son that will just step back. If she asked him for a cuddle, he would say no. Where as my daughters would be all over her. One is older then my step son and one is younger.

It just makes me feel even worse to be honest but I can't say I haven't tried.

I just know from both his mum and dad....they are absolutely not going to admit fault in any of this. They are also not going to realise that he really is suffering. Ill suggest counselling again but it won't get me anywhere.

This is why I try to include him in everything.

For example my daughter was invited to a soft play party the other month. It was after school on a school night. When my step son came and was playing on my phone (he has a habit of this) he looked through my pictures and saw that we had been to soft play. He asked why we went and when we went. I explained it was a birthday party and we didn't do this without him.

I can see this is where I've gone wrong as it's really not my responsibility but equally someone has to try stand up and take action.

This issue we have about spending 1:1 time with his dad is he doesn't want it. Whenever it's suggested, he says he wants to just play with his siblings. And this where my husband is going wrong because he lets it happen. I have said time and time again that they need time together.

Sometimes they will spend a few hours together on a weekend and he does play a weekly sport that my husband takes him too every Sunday he is with us.

It just seems we can't win. If my husband does suggest that they spend a full weekend/day together then my step son will say he doesn't want too. But equally he will go home and cry that he's not spent any time with his dad.

He also recently went through a phase of ringing his dad off his mums phone and trying to change our plans. For example - step son knew what weekend plans we had coming up. He rang my husband and said he didn't want to do what we had planned and could his dad take him to the park instead. This wasn't possible because we had booked tickets to an event. He also lives 50 mins away from us (his mum moved) and it just wasn't feasible. So my husband said no and then got it in the neck from my stepnsons mum despite them both knowing we had quite big plans that weekend.

When he was younger, his mother would quite regularly make my step son ring his dad and ask if he could come and stay with us when it wasn't our time. There were times when it was such short notice that neither of us could go collect him and he would have to say no. Again making us look bad when it should of been his mum asking in the first place.

I'm not making excuses for my husband though. It baffles me why he cannot see any of this.

Because he doesn't want to!