getting engaged when both not divorced

[housinghero]

What's your view on getting engaged when still married to someone else.
Brother in law is been in a 'new' relationship for 4 years. He has been separated for approx 8 years but not yet divorced.
His current partner is also not yet divorced and has been separated for several years.
They got engaged to each other at Xmas.

It's an indication of intent to get married. If they intend to do so, it's fine.

Why is he not yet divorced?

I wouldn't really have a issue with this. They are both well out of old relationships.

he is lazy. She is staying married until her youngest is 18.

I don’t see a problem with it. It’s just an intention to marry, it’s not legally binding.

I think if it had been only a matter of months since they split with respective partners and then an engagement popped up it would be a bit off imo, almost a decade down the line and with different reasons behind not divorcing I don't really see an issue with it - they're making the commitment to each other, and I'm sure will just have a longer engagement?

For me, being engaged is the period between deciding to get married and the actual wedding.

On those terms, it is I suppose possible to be engaged for years, including waiting for your divorce to come through.

They both seem well suited.

Depends, if the divorce is being processed fair enough but I wouldn't get engaged without setting a date so unless I had my provisional order (decree nisi) it's a bit risky

It does seem not quite in the right order especially since they've both been separated a long time and could have sorted their divorces by now (I presume).
But engagement does not have any legal meaning any more. It is simply a personal/social express of an intention to marry at some point in the future. So no reason not to become engaged either.

My SIL got engaged when her partner was still married to someone else. He been separated a long time but either he nor his ex were good at getting round to things. He and SIL split up eventually and he finally did get divorced a few years after that, prompted by his ex's desire to write a week and get things in a proper order. This was about 30 years after they separated. Better late than never!

I dont get loooooong engagements either but I guess they have their reasons.
Just feels like a way to proclaim their love on social media eg status change

Write a WILL not a week!

For me you can't be engaged to be married until you are officially single.

I’d think it was silly. Being engaged to a married man/woman doesn’t sit right with me. I’d hope he’s sorted out financials/updated his will.

I don't see an issue, but then I'd be a hypocrite if I did.

DP is divorced, but I'm not yet. I started divorce proceedings 5 years ago but due to stbxh being a narcissist it's still dragging on. DP and I got engaged when I was granted my Nisi as we stupidly assumed things were finally moving forward. I can't afford to take stbxh to court (as he won't agree on finances) so we're stuck in this limbo!

I'd be concerned if they were both fresh out of relationships but sometimes the legal bits take way longer than expected!

Or maybe they actually do really love each other and want to make a formal commitment. You sound like you really dislike them. Are you one of their exes?

Divorce can be an expensive business and they've both been separated for years so who cares?

My first impression is that it's a bit tacky. Neither is free to marry the other however much planning they do, so it's not really an engagement, in my view and I wouldn't take it seriously. If you want to promise to marry someone, you need to be single, in my view. Still, whatever, not my circus etc etc.

I can’t help but think that middle aged people who are embarking on 2nd marriages getting engaged is a bit daft. Particularly if they’re both married 😂

No problem with it.

However my ex h, got married while still married to me, with our 2 young dc present and oblivious to the fact.

It was a big wedding but not 'official' as it was hippy, forest type thing.

I found it hugely distasteful at the time!!

It's up to you but I personally wouldn't. Why would you want the 'baggage' of previous marriages to taint your next marriage? Getting engaged as in any sort of announcement at the moment will just look odd because it is.

You can privately promise each other but say and do nothing until you both have your decree nisi.

I tend to not really think about what other people choose to do if it doesn't affect me. Who cares really? If it suits them, it suits them. Engagements mean nothing. To be honest, I see engagements as something teenagers do to convince themselves they're adults. I'd let it wash over you.

It's a bit silly to me. You can't be seriously engaged to someone if you're still married to someone else 😂

I agree - both second marriages, both still married. I just find it weird. I don't let it bother me but just thought it might make an interesting debate.
Its definitely one of those 'im doing it on facebook/instagram perfect life , i love him so much situations....'

@housinghero I personally would file for divorce before getting engaged again if I was ever in that situation. I’ve just got married though so hopefully that never happens 😂

maybe I'm old-fashioned, but personally I feel like if you're still married to someone, you're not "free" to propose to anyone else, so an "engagement" is meaningless tbh

To be perfectly honest I think it lacks class. But I would never say so to someone in the situation.

I remember a former colleague who was potentially going to have to put her wedding date back as he was divorcing his wife who wasn’t being as cooperative as new fiancé felt she should be so lots of “she’s such a bitch” etc etc. of course had Mr Perfect been willing to arrange a decent settlement in the first place he may not have had his back to the wall. Had to restrain getting the tiny violin in for that.