Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HOUSEHOLD CHORES

12 replies

HmmmWhatDoYouThink12 · 08/08/2022 07:36

DH has mental health issues & is on anti anxiety medication. My question is, AIBU about my expectations for him doing his share of housework or is he using his mental health as an excuse ?

I do all cooking, cleaning, foodshopping, manage finances, manage the garden. We've just had a baby and I've done every single night feed by myself while he sleeps in a different bedroom as he started a new job 2 months ago.

He takes the baby for a few hours at the weekend to give me a break bit other than this, it's on me.

He says he has a different view of cleaning & it doesn't need to be done to my standard but he leaves plates, bowls, food wrappers all over the house.

Any ideas ?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/08/2022 07:39

Kick him out. Honestly, my DH says the same thing about me cleaning too much ( I do the minimum I can get away with weekly, like my DM did before me ) and it’s an excuse to do nothing. He is on medication for his problem so he has no excuse, he’s just lazy and will let you do it because you will.

Goandplay · 08/08/2022 07:44

I think you need to agreed basic levels of acceptable daily housekeeping. Most people would accept rubbish and dirty plates need dealing with.

You are not the housekeeper. It would help his mental health to take care of the house.

I agree he is being lazy. He gets a full nights sleep every night, you need a break daily as well as the weekends.

MissMaple82 · 08/08/2022 07:44

Working with individuals who suffer greatly with their mental health, I can say almost all of them manage their household chores. Obviously mental health impacts motivation at times but if it's used all the times, it's just an excuse

PinkSyCo · 08/08/2022 07:53

If he’s well enough to work he’s well enough to at least clear up after himself. He is being at best totally disrespectful towards you and at worst lazy and dishonest on top of that.

sst1234 · 08/08/2022 08:14

He needs to pay to outsource the work he’s not prepared to do.

AntlerRose · 08/08/2022 08:22

I think mental heath can affect things like motivation to do anything at all. I dont think medication miraculously cures people, it takes the edge off and i think if you have a new job it could take all your mental health capacity to manage.

However, i dont think that means you should be a skivvy and you need to protect your mental health too. Picking up wrappers and putting your own plate away isnt some sort of chore. Its being an adult. I dont get why some adults think other people should pick up after them.

I also think if he isnt doing actual chores like hoovering or cleaning he could pay towards a cleaner for his half, whilst the baby is so young.

AntlerRose · 08/08/2022 08:25

Oh, my petty idea would be to pick up all the crap he leaves everehere and place it in his special seperate sleep room. He can then live in a dump if he find your standards too high and it shouldnt bother him at all as he doesnt mind crap everwhere and you can live with your high standards of no festering wrappers everywhere.

Unanananana · 08/08/2022 08:51

AntlerRose · 08/08/2022 08:25

Oh, my petty idea would be to pick up all the crap he leaves everehere and place it in his special seperate sleep room. He can then live in a dump if he find your standards too high and it shouldnt bother him at all as he doesnt mind crap everwhere and you can live with your high standards of no festering wrappers everywhere.

Thats not petty, it genius. Its exactly what I would do.

Mental health issues do not exclude him from parenting or taking care of his family environment.

He needs to adult more, new job or not. He can pay for a cleaner. You need sleep and rest too.

justfiveminutes · 08/08/2022 08:56

I think some everyday things seem very challenging when you are suffering with poor mental health.

But if he is able to work, and is receiving treatment, then he also has a responsibility to his family.

Continuing like this will result in you burning out too and then who will be available for your child.

You need to agree a fair division of labour.

If he is particularly rubbish at cleaning then he needs to pick up more of the other chores to compensate.

If he can't, I'd be asking myself what the point of the relationship is. Has this situation only developed recently, during your pregnancy or after the birth of your child?

JorisBonson · 08/08/2022 08:58

I have mental health issues and have been on medication. There are days where I haven't been able to contribute, but apart from that have had no issues managing my house.

JonahAndTheSnail · 08/08/2022 09:06

It's a been a dick issue rather than mental health. I know some people will say what one person with depression can manage another cannot...However, if you live with someone, putting your rubbish in the bin and plates in the dishwasher/kitchen sink is the basic stuff you do out of respect for the people you live with. Did he do his fair share of housework before he started to feel unwell?

Goldbar · 08/08/2022 11:01

AntlerRose · 08/08/2022 08:25

Oh, my petty idea would be to pick up all the crap he leaves everehere and place it in his special seperate sleep room. He can then live in a dump if he find your standards too high and it shouldnt bother him at all as he doesnt mind crap everwhere and you can live with your high standards of no festering wrappers everywhere.

This. Throw it all into his room and he can deal with his crap.

Also, he can do his own cooking, laundry, shopping... Just do stuff for you and the baby.

It's not acceptable to treat someone the way he is treating you. Don't stand for it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page