In-laws driving me crazy

[DrivingMe]

Hi, first time poster here.

I have a 9 week old baby following a long journey involving previous losses and IVF.

In-laws do not live in this country and are staying with us for a month.

They are lovely people but MIL is driving me crazy already with comments and actions in relation to our baby. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or whether she is crossing boundaries, maybe it's a bit of both. I also don't think my husband is helping in some cases.

Some Examples

• She was holding him and I said I would like to change his nappy and she says leave him a bit longer - she'd been holding him for 2 hours. Surely she should just pass him to me!

• We had the fan on in the living room because it's been so hot (26 degrees on this occasion). She asked if he was ok with the fan and I said yes (he was not directly in the path of the fan). I leave the room and come back in and the fan is switched off. There has also been other comments about whether he is too cold.

• We went out walking for the first time together. Whilst I was getting ready she stood with her hand on the pram ready to push him. Ok, I'm understand she wants to push her grandson so I said I'll just get the pram out of the door. I let her take the pram whilst I put on my shoes etc. I come out of the front door and can't even see her! She had already started walking down the road without waiting me! She also wandered off with him on one of the shops we were in.

• I have really struggled with breast feeding and am currently bottle feeding. I said to my husband that I would like him and I to be the only ones to feed him for bonding purposes etc (something I had read). I was out the room and husband gave bottle to MIL to feed baby.

• We try not to hold him for too long whilst he is sleeping and settle him in his Moses basket whilst downstairs. She often doesn't respect this and holds him for long periods of time.

• She kisses him on the head. I wouldn't kiss a newborn baby that wasn't mine without asking

I appreciate some of these things may seem insignificant but the constant comments etc are really starting to affect my confidence as a new mum and I feel like I'm constantly being watched when feeding, bathing etc. It is also affecting our routine and I feel like I get very little time to alone with my husband/baby, if any at all.

Any advice on how to handle this without hurting her feelings as I'm sure she means well would be gratefully received. They have only been with us for a few days so far!

Sorry for typos..

Honestly? None of these are worth stressing over.

I think you”re being a bit PFB, which is understandable but MIL is spending time with a grand baby she won’t see for a while as she lives in another country. Unless she stays with you every other month or something.

How long until they go home? If it’s just a week or so, I would bite my tongue and count down the hours. If it’s longer, I would get your DH to step in and tell his parents to back off. These are his parents to deal with here.

I had the same with first baby and MIL. None of the things you’ve mentioned sounds that bad but I totally relate to the feeling of having your parenting experience invaded whilst you’re trying to build your parenting confidence. Honestly I’d try and relax and let it go. Very tricky, and something I didn’t manage to do myself! I’ve just had my second and now I have to live with comments about how uptight I was with number 1.

Some of it are non issues but she should hand back your baby when you ask for him, she shouldn't walk away with your baby and should comment less. Best is to let your husband tell her this.

Also, learn how to say "no". No, I want to have my baby back now. No, I don't want you to walk away with my baby. We are going for a walk together. It's much easier if you say no now, a couple of times, which sets the boundaries really clear, than explode in a few weeks time. I know it sounds rude but it really is best to do it now a couple of times while they'll forgive you for a lot because "new mum". And they will remember from now on that they cant take the piss. Really handy for all those visits in years to come

I've just had DS2 and I'm the same. For me it's not necessarily the actions but more of the feeling of being listened too and being able to trust MIL.

Mine are currently staying for a week and im so fed up of MIL interfering and taking over. Baby is only 2 weeks old and we are still betting to grips breastfeeding but when I ask for baby back as he is wanting a feed she continues to hold him while I let down over my clothes l.

Thank you for the replies they have really helped me to rationalise my feelings. I acknowledge that I am quite sensitive
/protective and want to tread carefully since they really are lovey people and only mean well. I'm sure they would be horrified if they knew that I felt the need to write my first ever MumsNet post! It also helps to hear that others have felt the same.

To answer the question, they are here for another 3.5 weeks.

I certainly need to be better at saying no and should get husband to intervene but I will choose my battles. DH has already spoken to MIL re walking off with the baby as I don't think he liked that either. She was defensive but I don't think it'll be happening again.

I think this has also (indirectly) got the message that DH and I are the ones to feed him.

Other than that I'll try a mix of biting my tongue and saying no. I do feel better after reading your posts so thank you.

@DayToNight just wanted to say that you should be firmer with your MIL and say no too (I know it's easier said than done as I've demonstrated)! It's not acceptable that the baby is hungry and you let down over your clothes! Good luck :)

You need to be much more forceful that's ridiculous I'd be furious