To ask for help regarding my Dad and alcohol

[elm26]

My Dad is like 2 different people, he's funny and caring and loving and kind when sober but a completely different abusive person when he's drunk.

He used to get nasty (not physically but verbally) after drinking spirits, my mum (an alcoholic) would get violent after drinking so together they were a nightmare, I ended up living with my Grandparents.

They split and he remarried, had 3 more children. They split.

He met my stepmum 10 years ago and the first time he was nasty after drinking spirits, she made it clear it would be the very last time he touches it otherwise she'd leave.

Fast forward 10 years, he's now nasty after drinking beer, cider or wine. He has a weird relationship with alcohol and will go 6 months without a drink, then he'll do 6 months of drinking every night.

He's in his 50s, very overweight and has has 2 TIAs. Recently he's been drinking every night and has been having massive nosebleeds with clots and all sorts.

On top of this, he is verbally abusive and my Stepmum is often reduced to tears/feels like she's done all she can do to help even going with him to the drs who gave him antidepressants which he took for 2 months then stopped. She buys healthy food, encourages him to walk the dog with her etc but she's at the end of her tether with him after he's been drinking.

Tonight he's done 8 bottles of beer and 4 cans, told her to shut up when she was speaking and is just generally being an arse.

I'm worried he's going to end up losing his marriage, she's a lovely person and this would be his biggest mistake yet. She adores him and adores his children and treats us like we are her own. More seriously, I'm worried he'll end up having another TIA/massive stroke/heart attack.

I've tried talking to him, he stops drinking for a week then he goes right back to it.

I've given up with my Mum who's still an alcoholic after all these years. She knows she is on deaths door with it and nothing will make her change.

Any advice would be really appreciated xx

Your dad's an alcoholic. He won't stop until he wants to stop, sadly. He might do short periods of sobriety if he's doing it for others, but if he's not getting to the root of the problem (i.e. why he drinks too much) he'll keep going back to it. Your stepmother (and you) need to set boundaries for yourselves around his behaviour and then stick to them. If he becomes drunk and abusive, X happens and then you follow through with it every time. You both might find Al Anon useful in helping you learn how to look after yourselves and set those boundaries. It's incredibly difficult to see someone you love killing themselves and tearing their life apart with alcohol, but he has to want to change if he has any hope of getting better.

Does he ever talk about anything positive when he's off the booze, like sleeping better or having more energy? If so you could remind him of that as encouragement and remind him that there is support out there if he wants it, but otherwise all you can do is protect yourselves from his abuse and make sure he understands that you won't tolerate or enable it. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really unfair and so heartbreaking. Look after yourself.

Ah I'm sorry my Dad was just the same and he died at 54 from a massive heart attack caused by all the drinking. You could give him an ultimatum but unless alcoholics really want to get sober it is really hard. There is a charity called Children of Alcoholics which has some good stuff to help and a message board.

nacoa.org.uk/

Unfortunately no-one can make your father stop drinking.
He needs take the decision to stop drinking himself for his reasons.

You and his wife can give him dozens of reasons to stop drinking but until he decides he wants to give up alcohol it will have no impact at all.
He could lose his health, his marriage, his home, his job, his friends etc and still continue drinking. It is a disease and very difficult to understand.

Beat wishes to you & his wife as you come with this.

this. there is zip zero nada you can do.