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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why won't my inlaws listen? We are ds parents!

26 replies

ThinkingFace · 07/08/2022 08:06

So inlaws have 3 year old ds round or take him out sometimes. He loves that and so do they, great. But they don't want to listen to any 'issuues' that are going on. Ds is being assessed for adhd at present. His behaviour can be unpredictable, erratic and very impulsive. If we're not on him, he would run off when out. He's got no sense of fear or danger. My inlaws are very dismissive of this putting it down to him being 'a lively boy'. We've told them that there are triggers that make his behaviour worse, like getting overtired. We're mindful not to over stimulate him too much, he needs quiet times during the day. Inlaws don't get this. We're also mindful of his diet. Not ott but we don't want to overload sugar, etc. When he goes to the inlaws, they give him juice, multiple ice creams/lollies and generally unsuitable food.

As parents, we're worried about ds at the moment. We struggle with his behaviour at home and dh and I are trying to manage it as best we can. Of course I want ds to continue seeing his grandparents but why won't they listen to what we're telling them? I think they think we're being controlling but we're just concerned about our son at the moment. I've noticed recently that they're not telling us what they've got planned for him. Recently they packed in loads to about 5 hours - aquarium, beach, amusements, lunch out... ds was so exhausted that afternoon/evening and we had the repercussions of his behaviour as a result.

AIBU or are they for just not listening?

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 07/08/2022 08:09

They are, I’d simply only allow him to see them with you until they do listen!

AnnaMagnani · 07/08/2022 08:12

They no longer see him alone then as they have shown they can't be unsupervised.

ZekeZeke · 07/08/2022 08:14

Simple.
Don't allow them to take your son out.
If they ask why they cant mind DS, get your DH to sit them down and tell them why.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/08/2022 08:17

Yup as above. If they can't respect your wishes then no more unsupervised access. Are they ever around yo witness the aftermath or the particularly challenging parts?

Citylife · 07/08/2022 08:47

We’ve had similar in the past but with my parents. A lot of ignoring my requests and atmosphere if I even slightly mentioned something as obvious as all of their doors open allowing access to the road when they have my very unpredictable toddler with them. I wasn’t allowed to mention the excessive sweets or sugar either without an argument. Now we don’t have to use them as much for childcare and everything is a lot less tense and we feel a lot less irritated by the whole situation. If you don’t have to have them looking after him for childcare stop until they will listen.

Shtfday · 07/08/2022 08:49

ND traits are often difficult for others to see especially at a young age.
Many many people wont see what you see. Many people will dismiss your concerns. Its good to prepare yourself for this.

I dont know if restricting /stopping time with grandparents is a good idea. It wont help them see the issues and you also lose support from family. Believe me when i say you will need the time outs as child gets older. Restricting activities and diet will not be enough as you will need the down time too as it is exhausting both the day to day but also the fight to get support for the child in every area.

Grandparents age means they have less knowledge of ND, they wont want to acknolwedge that the child has anything diffierent/wrong. They will see your conflict as a direct critisim of their ability as parents to your partner and there ability to look after their grandchild.

The more time they spend with the child the quicker they will recognise the triggers and struggles the child has. The more conflict about this the more resistant they will be to acknowledge it .

I write this as someone further ahead on this journey and who has had simular thoughts about activities and food with my own parents. But we didnt stop contact and other than a few arguments we let it go. I am at this stage so grateful i did my parents now recognise and see what we saw early on. And without their support i believe i would have had a breakdown by now as the road is tough and often its hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck and best wishes

TeenDivided · 07/08/2022 09:05

When they have him for the day, let them have him overnight afterwards too? They'll soon learn. (Only slightly tongue in cheek).

bubblescoop · 07/08/2022 09:07

If you don’t like what they’re doing stop using them as free childcare 🤷‍♀️

Citylife · 07/08/2022 09:23

@Shtfday very good advice

FloozingThePlot · 07/08/2022 09:54

In short - they're meeting their own needs (to be 'fun' GPs etc), not your son's.

SarahSissions · 07/08/2022 10:21

Pay for childcare then

NerrSnerr · 07/08/2022 10:23

How often are they having him alone? Is it a regular arrangement or is it just occasionally?

justfiveminutes · 07/08/2022 10:29

Do they see any challenging behaviour at all?

Even if they don't agree that he is ND, you'd expect them to see some unusual behaviour.

If he is very well behaved with them, and they have lovely days out with no issues, then it must be hard for them to understand why you are asking them to curtail them.

Having said that, they should respect your wishes and maybe a compromise would be for them to just have him for a shorter time. If you have him before/after, and they only have him for a couple of hours, you are minimising the impact of those hours.

Original poster
ThinkingFace · 07/08/2022 10:29

This isn't childcare for work. I never said that. This is them seeing ds when they want to.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 07/08/2022 10:31

How are they coping with the impulsively and the running off?

Are they managing it or is he masking his behaviour when with them so they're not seeing the issues?

My DD has adhd and asd. When my DD was 3 the only person she could be left with was a very able and professional childminder.

None of her grandparents could have coped.

With such a full on day with activities I'd expect behaviour to be very challenging whilst he's with them. If not all day but for at least a significant part of the day. A 3 year old with adhd couldn't mask for the whole time whilst being that stimulated with so many activities and places.

Either they're coping OK or they're not in a safe situation whilst he's with them.

If you have concerns about what is happening then he can not continue to visit them without you.

justfiveminutes · 07/08/2022 10:31

Could you have a conversation about how overstimulated he gets, the negative behaviour you see afterwards, and ask them for shorter trips until you know more.

Hopefully, that will prompt them into following your instructions.

Bunce1 · 07/08/2022 10:36

Could you try saying that “the doctor” said this/that and look a bit put upon yourselves?

So it’s not you who is telling them what to do it’s the “doctor”? Maybe by shifting the authority over to them and acting like it’s one big headache for you all it might soften it a bit?

I might try….

“We took DS to the doctor again as he’s juts not been himself after a really busy day. We have noticed a pattern. And I know he loves it here so we are really scratching our heads. Anyway the doctor said that we must stick to one simple outing and no sugary processed foods. The doctor said that it’s so important to do this for a while to see what difference it makes. The doctor said for example a trip to the zoo and then one of these types of snacks and that would be the limit (have some snacks to show them). The doctor said then it’s chill time the rest of the time playing with his (insert favourite at home activities). It’s going to be hard on all of us but that’s what the doctor is telling me and I know we all want the best for DS. I think we can do it, what do you think? I don’t want to put you out and so we are happy to increase his childcare hours and save the GP times to the occasional weekend when we can all be together and I can help you with DS and the doctors advice”

grey12 · 07/08/2022 10:44

I think your child having some fun time with GPs is worth a little bit of difficult behaviour. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think having a fantastic day in the aquarium and whatnot is always a win. No one goes to Disney for a peaceful day for example 😂 still worth going in my books

The food they are SUPER crossing the line!! That is terrible for his health!!! One icecream and a few biscuits is okish, but several sweets in one day I would get really mad!

justasking111 · 07/08/2022 11:03

ThinkingFace · 07/08/2022 08:06

So inlaws have 3 year old ds round or take him out sometimes. He loves that and so do they, great. But they don't want to listen to any 'issuues' that are going on. Ds is being assessed for adhd at present. His behaviour can be unpredictable, erratic and very impulsive. If we're not on him, he would run off when out. He's got no sense of fear or danger. My inlaws are very dismissive of this putting it down to him being 'a lively boy'. We've told them that there are triggers that make his behaviour worse, like getting overtired. We're mindful not to over stimulate him too much, he needs quiet times during the day. Inlaws don't get this. We're also mindful of his diet. Not ott but we don't want to overload sugar, etc. When he goes to the inlaws, they give him juice, multiple ice creams/lollies and generally unsuitable food.

As parents, we're worried about ds at the moment. We struggle with his behaviour at home and dh and I are trying to manage it as best we can. Of course I want ds to continue seeing his grandparents but why won't they listen to what we're telling them? I think they think we're being controlling but we're just concerned about our son at the moment. I've noticed recently that they're not telling us what they've got planned for him. Recently they packed in loads to about 5 hours - aquarium, beach, amusements, lunch out... ds was so exhausted that afternoon/evening and we had the repercussions of his behaviour as a result.

AIBU or are they for just not listening?

All these activities for a three year old in one day. I would say you have a grandparent with ADHD. Plus the total blanking of your concerns.

I have an OH a son and now a grandson like this. They're all exhausting at times You're learning coping strategies as I had to. I would suggest you start by lending them books, showing them articles and hope that the penny drops

Abouttoblow · 07/08/2022 11:52

The "pay for childcare" brigade are always so quick to jump in on these threads.

Take 10 seconds to actually read the post before you decide the OP is wrong. It'll save all the unnecessary posts.

justasking111 · 07/08/2022 12:40

Abouttoblow · 07/08/2022 11:52

The "pay for childcare" brigade are always so quick to jump in on these threads.

Take 10 seconds to actually read the post before you decide the OP is wrong. It'll save all the unnecessary posts.

You noticed too 😁

Hankunamatata · 07/08/2022 13:29

Iv ADHD children. As long as they can control his behaviour and he enjoys being with them I'd cope with the meltdowns at the end of the day.
Surprised he is being assessed for adhd at 3 I thought it was 5 or 6 before they could diagnose.

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2022 13:30

He sounds like the vast majority of 3 year olds that I’ve known!

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2022 13:31

Hankunamatata · 07/08/2022 13:29

Iv ADHD children. As long as they can control his behaviour and he enjoys being with them I'd cope with the meltdowns at the end of the day.
Surprised he is being assessed for adhd at 3 I thought it was 5 or 6 before they could diagnose.

In my LA, he wouldn’t be accepted for a referral for ADHD assessment until he was 7

Original poster
ThinkingFace · 07/08/2022 14:04

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2022 13:30

He sounds like the vast majority of 3 year olds that I’ve known!

@Soontobe60 sounds like something my inlaws would say

OP posts: