To be dealing with grief in this way?

[Capricorn8990]

Quick backstory; I’m adopted and my adoptive parents adopted me when they were 55 and 56, 28 years ago. I’ve got severe OCD and it’s always revolves around fear of them dying so I guess you could say I’ve prepared myself by going over the aspect of it so much.

My dad has been unwell for a long time with COPD and heart failure. He had multiple heart attacks and admissions to hospital with pneumonia. He also had vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s but early stages. My mum was his full time carer.

My partner and I found out we were pregnant November last year and due July this year. Our beautiful baby girl arrived 20 days early on 18th June. I had to spend 2 days in hospital and unfortunately my dad couldn’t leave the house to visit us on day 3 but on day 4 we went to my parents house.

My dads health then rapidly deteriorated. He became bed bound due to not being able to eat properly and he stopped taking his medication. These issues arose around April 2022 but got a lot worse during June and July.

On 4th July, my dads birthday I was informed he was on end of life care. This is the day my partner went back to work and I was caring for our baby alone in the day.

My dear dad passed away on 12th July. My baby girl was 3 weeks old.

I feel like I’m not dealing with his loss properly. I cried a lot before he passed away due to his dementia diagnoses and fear of losing him. I have cried since but feel like I’ve been quite strong overall.

I feel guilty to enjoy time with my partner and daughter.

I feel guilty that I’m not there for my mum enough. My sister and I have been the main ones supporting her though we’ve got 3 older brothers.

I feel guilty that I don’t cry every day.

I feel blessed my dad got to meet my daughter, but robbed of the time that we should have had together.

I feel like I’m just getting through the days.. I feel sad for my mum who spent 62 years with my dad.

I just don’t know if I’m dealing with grief as I should be. I’ve never lost someone this close to me before.

I have been referred for counselling but I often don’t talk about how I feel and only usually cry when I’m alone, like when I’m having a shower.

How can I process this loss properly whilst being a mum and supporting my grieving family?

sorry this is so long, just want to ensure that my mental health doesn’t decline as it is very fragile from having OCD and being on sertraline.

x

I feel guilty to enjoy time with my partner and daughter.

I can assure you that your lovely dad would never want you to feel this way. Guilt over what? Living a happy life is nothing to feel guilt over.

There's no correct way to grieve, but you are clearly struggling with very misplaced feelings of guilt. You really need to see a grief therapist to help you work through this. Your dad would not want you to be burdened like this.

There are no rules to grieving, it sounds as if you've done a fair bit of processing beforehand.

You just be yourself and do what you can. You're a new mum. Are you being supported enough? Misplaced guilt is a thing. Would your dad want you to feel guilty?

I’m so sorry about your dad. I don’t think it’s easy to grieve when you have a newborn as they take up most of your time and energy.

I lost my dad when my eldest was a few months old; it was expected so I’d had time to prepare but I spent most of the next year knowing I wasn’t accessing all my grief properly. I didn’t feel how I thought I would and spent a lot of time questioning myself and feeling guilty.

It all came out over time though so go easy on yourself. Having a few hours to yourself a week will help, in my experience, just to think about things and process a bit. Support from your partner as well - mine understood that I was dealing with it as best I could and made allowances for me I’m sure, as I was often angry rather than sad for quite a while. Hope you can allow yourself some time to deal with it.

I meant to put I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone close the same time as having a baby. Please be kind to yourself.

So sorry you're going through this. A couple of thoughts I had:

• I had a boyfriend who died when I was in my 20s. I remember telling someone about it and laughing. I think I thought the joke was 'can you believe all the bad luck I've been having lately?'

The other person, a colleague, said gently 'do you maybe it hasn't sunk in completely yet?' Feeling numb or anything like that is normal - some things are too big for your brain to eat whole so it just lets you feel a bit at a time.

• sometimes with dementia you start grieving before they've died. My mum has it and I feel like I'm gradually losing her already.

Can't imagine going through this at the same time as having a newborn.
Make sure you look after yourself.

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. There’s no road map for grief or loss, and your situation sounds very hard.

I lost my mum when my newborn was 3 months old. Our baby was really sick at the time, in the hospital more than home, and I stuffed down my grief while I cared for our baby. Looking back, I was probably in survival mode. I’m guessing you’re doing similar; you have a newborn who needs you so you’re left with little choice. I grieved for my dear mum years later, once my situation was more stable.

Also, I wanted to mention something called anticipatory grief, which could be something you’ve dealt with, given your circumstances and what you’ve mentioned.

In any case, please take very good care of yourself.

There's no one right way to grieve and it's not something you stop doing its something that over time you grow around. You have just had a wee baby and your hormones and emotions would have been all over the place anyway never mind with everything else you're now going through so you deserve to give yourself a bit of grace. You sound like you're actually being incredibly strong in really tough times. There's no 'proper' way to process its something that will happen organically for you as an individual and even though it doesn't feel it right now you are processing at a rate that your mind and heart can cope with. There will be waves and some days will be harder than others so all you can really do is let it wash over you and use the supports you have available like what you've already done with referring for counselling. There are ways you can honor your dad, teaching your little one about him and telling them stories is one, your time with your baby is important as well and you sound like a great mummy doing what you need to to look after yourself so you can be there for them. Just be gentle with yourself it will get better.

“The depth, breadth, and longevity of your grief are not a reflection of how much you cared for that person” 🌻

(quote from Dr. Phil)

Im sorry for your loss. I also suffer from OCD and take sertraline so I do understand why you’re questioning yourself but PLEASE know that the love you have for your Dad and for your Mum is not measured by the amount of tears you cry xx

(congratulations on your Baby Girl! 🌸)

It sounds like you’re doing an awesome job of it actually: grieving inside but outwardly strong for your daughter, mum and partner. Crying in the shower is totally normal. Don’t worry if it occasionally leaks out in front of others, but also, don’t worry if it doesn’t. It’s not a test. You can do it in whichever way works for you.

Op, I'm sorry for your loss. I feel for you greatly, I have said these things myself.

Nc as outing.
My DM died suddenly a few weeks before my DC, her first DGC, was born. This was in an apartment away from home and my DD decided to stay away until a reasonable time before baby was due.
Baby arrived a few days before he did.
I was tired, struggling with BF and with a new DC. I felt so bad for not being with him, but I needed that time for my family. I saw him lots but not as much as I wanted.
Four months later, he died suddenly. I was 32.

I can appreciate the crap time you are having!

My advice, from someone who's kinda been there (I've lived grief for two years):

• be kind to yourself. Always.
• grief affects everyone differently. It's OK to be OK, it's OK to not be ok.
• your mum is an adult, she will understand and hopefully can look for support in several avenues. It's not all on you.

-Newborns are hard work. All encompassing. You need to look after you in order to look after them.

• let people help you, if they offer. It makes others feel good to help and you've got enough to deal with. Even little things will give you physical /mental rest.
• kids grow so fast, please keep on enjoying it when you can

It sounds like you have been mourning your dad for a while?
There is no formula, no stages, no order to grief and no end date.

Yabu
Your being adopted and having ocd
Has nothing to do with this.

You have a newborn. That's your life now. And it will be hard but you are not required to cry everyday
Tbh the crying will come later. Maybe in a half year time. Or when your baby turns 1.

It's also not your job to be there for your mum op. Your dad died of old age. You should be thankful for the time you had him around. But at that age: death is part of life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Your grieving sounds well within the range of normal, OP . It's awful to have to go through this grief at the same time of what is 'meant' to be a joyful experience, having a baby. Both those things are about as heightened as emotions can get. What a confusing time for you.

It's brilliant that you're seeking counselling. Even if you are not accustomed to talking about your feelings, a counsellor is used to helping draw out your thoughts and guide you to processing them. Hopefully they'll also show you that you're going through a very normal and expected response to a sad and stressful experience.

It is very early on. It hasn't even been a month since he died. Take it easy. Grieving takes time.

Thank you for everyone’s lovely replies and messages of condolences.

I think the guilt is a huge part of having OCD and it’s been exasperated due to the loss of my dad.

I know he would not want me to feel guilty for enjoying my baby girl at all so I am going to do my best not to feel that way.

I know it is early days with losing him I just don’t want to not be processing things properly and it come out later down the line. I had an assessment with Vitaminds earlier today but they don’t offer bereavement support, however they informed me of a charity called Cruse who do and they are making a referral to bluebells for me too.

I know with time that you learn to live with the grief a little bit easier. I just need to be patient and kind with myself like you’ve all said.

If I can afford to I will seek bereavement counselling if need be.

x

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

I also lost someone extremely close to me just a few days before you lost your dad - while no two griefs are comparable and no-one can truly understand what you are going through, for what it's worth I am going through some of the same feelings (sometimes feeling OK or even strong, enjoying moments of life, other times as though I can't function whatsoever, sometimes just numb).

I too have felt guilty for feeling OK, like it's not right - but nothing is right and there is no normal right now. The body copes in mysterious ways and I believe there is an element of going into pure survival mode and whatever we feel (or don't feel) when something like this happens, it's OK to feel it.

I agree with PPs that your father would not want you to suffer and would want you to enjoy your lovely baby daughter and time with your partner. Be kind to yourself and absolutely give bereavement counselling a try if it may help you.