Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to ask for advice

14 replies

WhatTooDooo · 06/08/2022 21:18

I've name changed on purpose because my DF knows usual username.

My DF is struggling very bad with depression and anxiety and has only recently opened up to very few people recently on the advice of her GP. She has been very honest about the extent to me but less so to another friend and only sharing what she felt comfortable with.

My DF is quite isolated and doesn't have a lot of people in her life which is partly due to her depression and pushing people away. I have found out that her other friend has been telling DF sister who she is no contact with for very good reason, all about her issues and whatever has been confided in her she has relayed. She doesn't see the harm as she says her sister is heartbroken and should know but if my DF found out she would be devastated, embarrassed and would cut Friend off without hesitation because trust is extremely important to her.

I don't know why I should do now. Friend won't stop sharing and even if I tel her to she won't but just won't tell me and then I know my DF confidence is being betrayed but if I tell her she will be hurt and cut this person off and becoming more isolated.

OP posts:

ChampagneCharlieIsMyName · 06/08/2022 21:36

Tell your friend she is the subject of gossip. It’s up to her if she believes you, but you will have done the right thing.
Be there to support her, it seems she needs you more than ever now.

Original poster

WhatTooDooo · 07/08/2022 07:00

ChampagneCharlieIsMyName · 06/08/2022 21:36

Tell your friend she is the subject of gossip. It’s up to her if she believes you, but you will have done the right thing.
Be there to support her, it seems she needs you more than ever now.

Thank you, I have no doubt that my DF would believe me and I have proof but I'm worried about making her more isolated when she's being encouraged to open up. I don't want to it to knock her back.

OP posts:

SavoirFlair · 07/08/2022 07:15

What is a DF??

Original poster

WhatTooDooo · 07/08/2022 07:23

SavoirFlair · 07/08/2022 07:15

What is a DF??

It means Darling Friend on MN

OP posts:

MRex · 07/08/2022 07:44

You have to tell her. She can still trust you, it just removes one toxic person. It is useful to talk to her about broadening her circle of actual friends, but that's a separate topic.

Original poster

WhatTooDooo · 07/08/2022 07:56

MRex · 07/08/2022 07:44

You have to tell her. She can still trust you, it just removes one toxic person. It is useful to talk to her about broadening her circle of actual friends, but that's a separate topic.

We've spoken a lot about her becoming more isolated and cutting people off for very minor reasons and I think it's amazing she has admitted she is slightly aware that she is doing this but it isn't something she is ready to face/deal with/ change at the minute because she's so overwhelmed with other stuff going on.

Im so angry my friends confidence has been betrayed and that I've been put in this position.

Is there a way I can discourage her from sharing more with this person but without telling her why?

OP posts:

MRex · 07/08/2022 09:12

I don't think that would be appropriate, because then she can't trust you either and will be confused. She clearly comes with some childhood baggage, please show her what a respectful relationship looks like by treating her with respect.

Thatiswild · 07/08/2022 09:19

Encouraging her to open up within trusting friendships is great, but by allowing her to continue to talk to the other friend she is making herself vulnerable without realising. You need to tell her gently what is happening and as pp say it will strengthen her trust in you and your friendship. What an awful situation for your DF.

ElegantlyTouched · 07/08/2022 09:23

I also think you have to tell her. She doesn't need to cut the friend off completely, just not tell her anything of importance. I had to do that with my mother who insisted on telling my sister everything by about me despite e me being her not to (for very good reasons which she knew and understood). At least mum told me she'd be passing information on, if have been devastated to find out later.

alnawire · 07/08/2022 09:45

It means Darling Friend on MN

Or Father. Or Fiancé.

Original poster

WhatTooDooo · 07/08/2022 10:00

Okay it seems unanimous I have to tell her and I will because I want to do the right thing by my friend. She has been leaning on me a lot for support which I'm happy to give I just didn't want to be the one to tell her bad news and bring her down.

Do I think I should say anything to her other friend or just skip her and talk to my DF?

I know she doesn't have to cut her off but I think she will be because she will feel betrayed and embarrassed and won't let that go.

OP posts:

MRex · 07/08/2022 10:07

Leave the gossip out of it. Nobody needs to inform her

Chamomileteaplease · 07/08/2022 10:37

Your friend has problems and I would say that being in full receipt of the facts with no hiding of anything will be of the most benefit to her. She needs clarity.

The friend who is blabbing is of no importance.

Tell your friend what is going on and be there to support her when she is naturally very upset. She can then decide how she wants to proceed.

Original poster

WhatTooDooo · 08/08/2022 09:15

I've told my friend who was grateful for my honesty. It didn't go down very well and she's very angry, upset and confused about who she can trust.

Her friend doesn't think she has done anything wrong apparently so that's drama all on its own but thank you all for the advice

OP posts:

Flip